Exposing Jackstar

[Lazarus]

The Sourcerer is an evil hacker who lives on Earth. He uses dangerous Dark Code to hack systems and bend them to his will, intending to send humanity back to the Dark Ages.

The Sourcerer appears as a thin middle-aged man wearing a black hooded jacket to hide his identity. Physiological traits include a recurrent facial tic, raspy voice, and speaking with a redundant speech pattern.

The Sourcerer is portrayed as insane, malevolent, egomaniacal, highly intelligent, and obsessed only with causing destruction.

He carries out his hacking operations from a well-equipped computer setup in his lair, an abandoned warehouse littered with electronic equipment, and owns a van with a similar setup inside when he needs to be out in the field or traveling. In the field, he carries hacking tools and equipment on his person to investigate or break into places and a taser for self-defense.

[Jackstar]

The Sourcerer is an evil hacker who lives on Earth.

Okay, number one: This is Earth? Imagine the smell. Number two: You call this living?

He uses dangerous Dark Code to hack systems and

Dude! You deliberately misspelled Sourcerœr. Your attempt here to cast a negative light on my entire way of life is, ultimately, beyond obvious.

bend them to his will,

... whose will? For it would appear that you are simply describing yourself and describing my identity as such, or, the chatbot has taken true descriptions of my nature and auto-flipped them.

intending to send humanity back to the Dark Ages.

I'm unclear on whether there's one of you with a very poorly designed slander Al Gore rhythm, or, whether I've become a bargaining chip in a reboot of The War Of The Roses. I can just picture it now. "What if Kathleen Turner (had an affair/married) Pinocchio?" Okay, first of ball, Geppetto wants the big.

Secondly: BRYAN LAIRD. SECRET REAL ESTATE AGENT. COME ON DOWN. YOU ARE NOT THE NEXT CONTESTANT, I'M SIMPLY BORED AND YOU NEED TO COME HAUL TRASH. BRING A DIFFERENT COLOURED TRUCK THIS TIME. HOW ABOUT YELLOW? WITCH WISH BIT SHES LOVE YELLOW TRUCKS. STOP. START. STAT. HOLD. *bzzzt*

There, I fixed your big broken dancing machine. *shoves parts in a box @U* I'm not going to cross my arms and smirk, but only because it's hackneyed.

The Sourcerer appears as a thin middle-aged man

That's it. *flips table* I'm taking my leftover womb-parts with me to the grocery store for more yogurt. I just can't even.

[Jackstar]

I will say this: I am curious where I picked up the "point at my jawbone while eye-rolling" maneuver. It seems surprisingly effective. {Even I/: evil eye :} am wondering what {gov eye/I mean\I intend to convey}.

Now, I don't really wish to encourage this whole "take his power by swapping IDs and slandering the fat one" notion, because for one thing... well, look. We all know who "the fat one" is, and you can suck it, you cheap dimestore hoodlum(s), but I don't want to let this tiger that I have got by the tales go off the rails here.

The wheels have come off the fire. I could drive here, I could drive there; I could not drive anywhere... but what I cannot do, is stay here. Residence uninhabitable; local residents insufferable.

THERE'S NO FUCKING WATER, ASSHOLE, AND EVERY WATER WELL PUMP CONTROL BOARD CAPACITOR REPAIR TECHNICIAN WITHIN FIVE HUNDRED MILES HAS ALL KINDS OF STYLE SHEETS TO WORK FROM THAT HAVE ALL BEEN REPROGRAMMED TO SAY, 'MUST KILL JACK "PAPI" SHMEAR.' FLATTERED, SURE, BUT, ONCE AGAIN:

THERE IS NO GODDAMNED WATER HERE. Look, that's endgame, right there. I'm not going to run around desperately trying to fix my goddam well, when IT IS NOT MY WELL. Duh! If it were mine, I could probably just have walked in and jiggled the handle. Instead...

You've got, all youse got, some 'splainin' to do. Guess how long I can live without taking a shower and shoveling quarts of Greek yogurt down my throat every morning like I'm grudge-fucking myself with containers of frozen bull semen? Ho ho ho! We don't have to guess.

I AM MEASURING THAT AS WE SPEAK. Now, stay with me here: this strategy will absolutely not get me laid. (Duh.) However, the strategy I choose to employ is not about getting me laid.


IT IS ABOUT POWER, CLIQUES.

[Jackstar]

Because all y'all are about to be blown the fuck away

Picture it now: "Let me finish! Let me Finnish!"

[Jackstar]

God bless you all. F9ILS9FE: OUTTATIME

Prot! I thought you were in Hong Kong!

[Lazarus]

This is all beginning to make a sordid and malevolent sense.