Get a grip, man.
My hands are
totes secure.
This whole life cycle is absurd, creating as much shit for yourself as you can, then making things worse every step of the way.
I had noticed that for myself already quite precisely not too many decades ago. As I saw myself carefully plodding my way forward in life, towards the inevitable moment of inflection in picking up and moving My.Whole.Three.D-Life from it's 4-plus-decade-ensconscement in the side of a gently sloping hill, tucked into the middle of the elbow between uphill and down Hell.
It was and is a goddam
castle. If my dad hadn't let the cornerstone damage go after he slammed his vehicles into the back garage wall 3 or four times over the years, or if there hadn't been five or six earthquakes from time to time... I would have
never left the place. I could have rented out the place to a rotating caravan wheel of every vagabond square up and down the coast, living in the tree branches that arched over the highway beneath, dangling from a hammock like a badass urban orangutang. That was Dragonlord's plan, and if he hadn't been such a careless, irresponsible, reprobate & gruesome junkie wretch... I might have allowed it. Maybe. COVID-19 was the last straw for sure.
Go fig: like 3 months after I make the final decision to fully abandon The Hood... the whole world shuts down and it was improbably complex to do anything. Tens and tens of weeks, sitting around, thumb twiddling, like, what do? Same thing we do every night, Brain. Head down, shoulders forward, how does one teach an elephant to tap dance?
One toe at a time. So I'm finally done, right? Here I am, new Castle, yeah? WELCOME HOME. *slam*
If you like this kind of slow motion descent into HELL,
Not exceptionally, but from my perspective, it's been a steadily positive, relentlessly upward trend for the last 10 years, non-stop. The various Turn Stiles Of Hell that I blow through with the bow wake of the Shields simply crumble and fall over, around, and are laid waste behind me, yeah, it looks bad from out there, yeah? Heh. Yeah, it's cute these days. SEEN WORSE. SEEN SO WORSE.
WEDNESDAY. What a fucking nightmare. Still, wrong turns inevitably teach right. Now--today--things look great from here! Ever onward--ever upwards.
you are well down the path. But you can still use a good editor.
Once the remaining half-dozen-odd Slanderettes are finished with their clearly necessitated courses of electroconvulsive therapy, everyone is all gonna be right as rain and this is all gonna be the best shaggy-wedding doggy-toast story ever. I'm giddy every goddam morning. I just can't believe it. A trial. AN ACTUAL TRIAL. For... Me.
Just you wait. You'll just see. The real Me... once they get a load, I swear, as G-d as my witness... I'm never gonna get another speeding ticket again.
Last time I got on the 5, I was coming off the on-ramp getting ready to take vanguard point on some rag-tag wolfpack, I'm hitting 90 going past the four or five in front doing about 80, the speed "limit" is 70... which is very reasonable, but I am not a commercial driver.
I cannot be limited. My discipline is self-augmented. Trust Me: I know how to drive. So I'm breaking 88 easy, about to hit the lead... I look to my left and I see as I pass Point Lead, because of early morning sunglare... I do not notice that I'm barrelling past Washington State Patrol, windows down, music BLASTING... just the radio, some decent throwaway tune, and I'll never remember what it was, as soon as I see myself about to accidently brace dominance on a Statie... I of course-respectfully-brake acceleration, so as not too pass. On the right. Did I mention? I come off the on-ramp and hit 88 as I pass the on-line as close as possible, every time... you know, just for fun. 321 GERONIMO! Oh, shit, I guess coming up fast on his starboard blindspot and then suddenly flat stopping right up next to him... I mean, it got his attention.
I imagine my gaping and wide-eyed surprise of expression and mischievous glee was somewhat less heart-stopping for me than was his own. Like, I just realized thinking about this event... I mean, I would never, but if I had wanted to just, you know, take him out on the way by, there was only two windows between us. Any decent sawed-off could have taken him right the fuck OUT, and while murder never does sound fun to me, what young adult has not ever imagined pulling out the finger pistols and silently mouthing, *bang-bang*?
So, I mean, yeah: I'll just start pulling over now. I'm giggling and figuring out how I'm going to correctly apologize without seeming too mirthful about it... I mean, I actually wasn't breaking any laws, but essentially it was my responsibilty not to scare the shit out of the legitimately present Lead Authority, and had I known it was one of them Thuggy Wolfy Piggy Packs... I never would have passed him. I would have been happy to follow along. Caboose is best pole position for my money anyway. The anticipation builds as one gazes ahead, ready for any excuse to floor it and blow past everyone if a tunnel to 111 opens up.
My speedometer goes to 125. I still haven't pegged it--oh, but I wanna, I so wanna. I love my car. I got a beastly black pickup truck--of course--and I thought I was gonna sell-down the Shipstar, but do not tell me that I would not always regret it, V6 with a manual transmission is basically an unbeatable combo when it comes to pure piloting pleasure.
I'll just say this: the car looks like shit. It is not named Christine. The windshield is cracked more than Walt's Aztec, like no shit, the upper right quad is like Charlotte left a Post-It note and the main break is at the bottom center, and just so happens to look exactly like a fork of lightning in reverse, and a new windshield is cheap enough, I can afford it--T--but, no need as yet, as I know the law.
It's legal. I've been driving this thing around ever since (PROT) lied to a Clergical receptionist while riding shotgun one day, we just so happened to be passing under an overpass on another highway, another day months ago, she answers the phone and goes, "Oh, Hi! I remember, I meant to call you back earlier!"
I mean, yeah, I know her pretty well. She is obviously not enthusiastic, and is being largely polite, and as I overhear the response from the caller to her little white fib, I figure it might be a little less little and/or white than an eavesdropper--is it still eavesdropping when I'm driving? Debatable--because right as she moves into the part of the convo that goes, "let me call you later!"
SUDDDEN WHAM CRACK! A rock. Or something. Enough inertia to put a reverse wishbone from left to right, and I know already, the impact point is close enough to the edge that it's not gonna be an easy fix, not a chance: Safelite repair? No, (PROT)fruit
fix.So, long story short, I give the best apology of my life, my last words are, "Thank you officer; I do believe I deserve this ticket! Bye!" He's come up from behind on my right, he's looking at me in through the passenger window rolled down, I'm all about the eye-contact with cops, lemme tell ya... so he never gets up far enough past the A-pillar that my busted ass Kirilian-cracked windshield even comes up in the conversation. The Staties waves me good-bye and I'm back up to 88 and seeing him trudge back to his PAT-ROLL-S.U.V. Land Whale, and his fuckin'
door probably weighs more than my whole
car, but probably
not my dick.
I toss the ticket over on the seat and see at a glance: $137. Jesus, is there anything I am guilty of? Fuck no. Sure, I'll give them extra too, $150? I pretty much flush that every time I crack back a piss. Totally worth it for the rush of wondering if that Trooper is gonna just go back to a sedate 80--yeah, the cop I did -not- speed past to pass was -also- speeding, so FUCK YOU JUDGE, I legit will say that if he decides my story isn't good enough; "Here you go, I brought you a hundred and fifty $2 bills, buy yourself a new gavel--*click*"
We can get away with this now. Just throw a wad of bills into the air, hold gaze on the camera for beat as they rain down around my head and shoulders in the background, then just click Leave Zoom. Here you go, Toll-Taker. Do you take Paypal? 'Course yo do,
Servant.
I swear to God, if there is a single Judge in any jurisdiction anywhere on the surface of the planet by now that doesn't know me by sight as well as--aboviously--by name, lemme have a blind date with any one of his daughters. His choice. His ruling. He'll remember me the next morning, that's for sure.
An Ajudicator Emertius outranks them all--even off-duty. I even have robes. Like, for real. I am LEGIT. And I am clearly, unfailingly polite. I wouldn't have made it past age 30 if I really were -this big- of an asshole, come on. Don't buy the hype, Kids. Hunter Thompson here, Fred Thompson out there. Both of them got my pants as hand-me-downs-flex.
And I get my mail in Vader from an Angel. My hand to G-d; every word of this story is as true as Life. So anyway, I guess I made R-Level. I'll tell you what, I want a bookcase that slides aside, I want firepoles leading down, I want a waterbed, I want a fireplace, I want a yacht... and I'm gonna burn that fuckin' yacht in that fuckin' fireplace while reading every drop of water in that ocean sea floor bed.
David had nothing to do with Me. Seriously, I
literally only just met him on that first phone call. "Hi, uh... who are you? You seem like..."
Seriously. I was here the whole time. Just me. .o7. Remember Fourth of July? God, I barely do, but that was one of the best blow-outs of all fuckin' time, and it did take awhile, but I do in fact miss The Pud. (Say "uncle." Say it one goddam time and I give the whole fucking cornucoppia to the A.S.P.C.A. TONIGHT.) I know it seems too fantastic to be at all believed.
Yeah, well--deal with it. That's Art for ya. Now, if you'll excuse me, I won't proof this; I gotta go take a ride with some mail. I don't click "post."
I CLICK SUBMIT--*click*