Dear Azzeræ’s technical support swabbē:
Not sure of your identity. You must be one of the following:
#1) A J‘¡nn jægër captive hostage, currently being prepped for rapeprog;
#2) Same as above, but recovering from aforementioned rapeprog procedure;
#3) Strapped to an interrogation pod, with or without a probe inserted properly;
#4) Naked, wet, and infuriated while waiting in a dreary holding cell, like Princess Leia on the Death Star in A New Hope with substantially more mold and cheesy buns for hair instead of cinnabuns;
#5) Playing Chess with Cher. (She's nice to me. Real nice. If you change that in any way somehow, I'm gonna polymorph you into a Sonny Bono RealDoll™ and draw l have your overly recalcitrant spirit LOCKED IN at age 29, frozen in Unfuck-∆-Bull Carbonite™, and then you'll be offered to Cher as a Minoan-style blood sacrifice. That *will* work, because Cher does possibly actually like me, since I'm not kidding; I loved Sonny, and it was too bad what had to happen to him, and we'll bring him back to life and use your bodacious shiftsuit as The Whoopi in a frame-by-frame re-enacment of Swayze/Moore and the pottery wheel, except instead of The Righteous Brothers, it'll be a 10-hour Limp Bizkit repeat marathon, and, still: I still won't goddam cum. Because, listen to me now and believe me later, when I ask you where my magic necklace came from, the answer I'm expecting to get is not, “I dunno,” followed by lippy back. Talk with a bad attitude and a refusal to respond. Like, sure, I guess I could figure it out, but I guess you couldn't figure out that that wasn't the answer I was looking for there. I was looking for something useful. And I guess you were too? Oh so I guess it wasn't an accident, oh I guess that was not the way it was, and so I guess absolutely everything was a complete fabrication, and I guess that didn't go on you as being not something I was going to perceive as a good sign, since I just walked into one ambush, and I didn't know who the fuck you were, and... Well I guess if command Authority was determined by BMI, you were in charge, but it's not and you weren't. And are you getting the picture here? We're more than family. WE ARE ELITE SPOOKLORDS, AND DON'T YOU GODDAM FORGET IT. In front of Punylings, we behave with decorum and dignity and delightful demeanor. POINT BLANK PERIOD. Your ancestors died for you, and they're watching us now, and long story short: you could have done better. Also: I would have, until I suddenly wouldn't, not for a while. Now, I guess this was new for you, and you were kind of bothered about something, and you were kind of annoyed with me, and then I guess you didn't really enjoy whole inseminating the Royal changeling part? Or maybe you didn't know, or maybe you definitely didn't know who the fuck I am, but I still don't know who you are, other than, apparently somebody who used to get to pitch fits to get their way. Kid: *snap* you're promoted to adult. I don't care if you crawled out of the picture plan 3 days earlier, you are 29 until I say you're not. (Don't think if it's a curse, think of it is a lucrative side hustle, that comes with some side work that you'll eventually come to like the taste of. I fucking guarantee it. You savvμ? You're goddamn right you are. p.s. now go apologize to your mother. You practically scared her half to death. And after you have a good cry in a cup of tea together, go get some of my phones that she stole and bring them to me. Do this and you'll be rewarded. Don't do it and you'll be rewarded as well, but let's just put it this way, it doesn't hurt to help me out, and it certainly hurts to try and take advantage of me and think that you're going to be snippy and give me lippy back, talk about it and get anywhere it goes or anything you want. I'm just that kind of guy. And if getting to fuck me is a problem, then don't. Because I didn't ask for that either. It was a work order. No shame it it. Except for the part where you acted like a childish brat. Not attractive. Not sexy. Not applicable after having multiple orgasms and then inseminating my my implanted dragon eggs, Because at this point it should be obvious you're not a child, you're the father of a 70,000-year-old Royal changeling. And I guarantee you I do not want you to add to the tradition of your people. The legend that Gavelina's father was a pouty whiny crying little wank job total whore who couldn't fucking tell me the fucking truth about some fucking bullshit necklace that some asshole Satanist hung on you. Like who the fuck do you think is in charge around here? Just a good old boy? Never meaning no harm? WRONG. Either Beau or Dalton would kill us dead if they could. And they can. That's their job. This is their land, and it's not your house, it's theirs. They are humans. You are Algonquin royalty. You will never be one of them, and they will never love you like I will, do, forever.) Cher, let me know if you can help, I don't know if you're fond of mothering, but I'm kind of new at it, and hopefully I won't always be, and I don't want to be a parent. Hey, can you babysit can Chaz babysit, that would be cool, and it was so sad, what had to happen to Sonny, and I really hope that he suffered enough. If not: we can dry hump on Spirit camera until he starts crying and begs a stop, if you want, you know whatever it takes, I know you got your own angle. Not that I want this, but I guarantee you he'd probably prefer to get beaten to death again, than watch me gyrate my groin into an oak panel floor and create a new dugout canoe, right on the floor, right in front of you with or without your cooperation. I respect you that much. Also, you could wait a barbed off of grapefruit, because she just can't seem to imagine how I could possibly ever say no to my carnal impulses, so if politely declining the opportunity to ravish your body is what it might take to convince grapefruit to stop being fucking jealous and thinking I'm going to lie about what I'm doing, well hopefully you could play along, because I really hate being accused of being a cheater when I haven't cheated, not that I want to make it too big of a deal or anything, and I hope to not offend, but, apparently she was in the impression that I was not telling the truth.
And if she gets my girlfriend from high school, I want Sonny Bono And his desiccated course to be used at a shot for shot remake of Weekend at Bernie's. There can be a scene where griefers is locked in an elevator with Sonny's body, and then she's in there for like 12 hours, and then when she comes out, I pester her incessantly and tell her that I don't believe that she didn't have sex with with a desiccated corpse. No matter what she says I'll accuse her of lying. I'll keep this up for a good 3 or 4 months, and then I'll see how she fucking likes that, not that I have to, but I wouldn't mind giving her a demonstration of what it fucking felt like, because I really didn't like being accused of being a liar constantly. I don't think she could help it, but she's going to have to learn to help it, because it was nightmarish. Also, I want to see where it's you and I and the body of Sony Bono in a bed and then his Spirit comes into the room and then I throw him out and he has to go sit in the hallway and play Boggle with Casper. ALL NIGHT. PACING BACK AND FORTH IN THE HALLWAY. PUTTING HIS EAR TO THE DOOR TRYING TO HIS HERO OR DOING, WHILE WE'RE LAYING IN BED TOGETHER BEING GIRLS AT A SALON PARTY WITH A DESICCATED CORPSE AND WATCHING TV AND LAUGHING ABOUT HOW HE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN... WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WAS BEFORE HE GOT THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF HIM.
Like no offense, but... He just thought he was going to win one election and change the world, huh? Fuck. He must have had some good fucking coca. And also I don't know how to use cocaine so if you can teach me how to use it with sex, while grapefruit is nowhere nearby and then when I see her I can tell her, “hey Cher taught me to use coca while fucking, but I'm not going to do it with you, because... well I just want to be a snot,” And I won't say a word about how, but I'm afraid she's working for the FBI, because there's this other bra who was, and that was the most terrible fucking thing ever. Long story short: Cher, you don't have to be my best friend, but if you are, oh my God Grapefruit would just
die. Of envy. And since she told me that she felt like that was how a person proved that they really cared about person, I want to figure out a way to make sure that she knows that I adore her just in case she can't get her shit together or somebody. Prayers her to be a jealous screechy fucking ticking fucking time bomb, jealous bunny in rlthe pot boiler broad, again, because apparently it's not that hard to get her that way. (Whidbey Island. Beachcomber bitches literally all built the same. Not because that's best but because that's by treaty, and by Royal decree, and also because they only got like one or two kinds of sand dollar on the island, it's kind of weird but I'll put it this way: I want sweetie to make sure that she knows that I let her know that I care, so if she flips out I can make it very clear to a jury pretty simply that she must be irrational and then I can have her, affixed with a shock collar. I think I'm not sure. Just looking to cover all the bases on this, while I still can, cuz she's in another dimension at work, and it's kind of like she's in dry dock, once she comes back I won't be able to sit around doing all this yipy yapping without her just punching me right in the face. Frankly, I can't believe she hasn't reached through the screen like in Poltergeist and popped me on the nose already! She's probably cheating on me with Sonny's ghost, although is it really cheating? Because I got you, Cherbae. Sonny got a tree, but I got yew. 🥰
Meanwhile; back to Gavelina's father. Hey you. Now, next you want to go to Taco Bell, I would suggest you start by going to fellate A. Bell. Underground in his grave, make that four-eyed nerd spin, that'll get you farther than being snippy with me. ALSO: Make sure your mother okays all of this; and although this should go without saying, obviously your mother gets first dibs on Chaz.
It's amazing how important the lines of succession are in the entertainment industry. Okay everybody remember all that? Probably not, and me neither, but that's okay. I get downloads from God when I need to do this kind of shit, because I never cared about any of this before, but now that I know how easily people believed that I was head over heels for some big titted carpetbagger vicetime coph∞r, when... She and I are literally just friends (in my world, friends fuck. What else would friends be for? Duh), And I'm not really sweating it that she's off doing... Anything. Anything at all. She's my friend. Oh did she get raped again? Wow. How did no one see that coming. What did she think was going to happen? IDGAF, because if it keeps on going this direction, I'm just going to make Sonny into a ghoul and have her get coca delivered from him on the daily. Shit, why not? They can probably take turns role-playing running for office and saying the wrong thing on tape and then getting the air beat out of them. Maybe they could be the next Laurel and Hardy, and then Cher and I can take turns being Colonel Parker and Elvis and make money off of him while they whine and cry about something they need to have from us. Not that that's likely or anything but... Share has been so nice to me. I would do all of this and more for her or she asked and then I can't imagine that. She's really interested in this entire story, but frankly anything that makes Sonny relevant again would be nice. I bet she misses him sometimes, unless she's got his head shrunken down like in Beetlejuice and keep sending a jar disc, which be cool because I swear to Christ if grifford's kid ever gives me any more grief about I don't know what, I want to take his head and shrink it down like that and then give it to sheriff as a gift so she could babysit it while go back on his girlfriends. That way, she can document the event if it swallows its tongue. There's no real well to tell what might happen with that one. He's a wild card lunatic, And who knows, maybe she'll find a way to have him be babysat by Sonny’s ski instructor. JUST BY SHEER BLIND LUCK, SHEER RANDOM CHANCE, ALL IMPROMPTU, OH LOOK BEN WENT SKIING. With George Of The Jungle. Watch out for that stolen weed tree, toddle-brat. Also come back with 800 million in crypto, without being at all obvious about it. Thanks. I'm going to give it to Skyler for your anniversary. If she remembers when that was. Grumble grumble grumble.
Hopefully people get the picture? I don't carry grudges, I burn them into my enemy's chest with a branding iron until I can smell the heart's blood burning to cinders. When I ask questions, I expect answers that are effective. And ignorant Jackstar is a less than optimally effective Jackstar, and who wants wants a less effective Jackstar? That seems like a dumb idea, saw him in half and count the rings in the trunk next time, because I don't know how many any enemies I even have anymore, but at this point I figure I might as well find that kind of creature to practice my cultural rape on, since I guess that's what you do around here? I mean when you're not being grunting and surly and refusing to answer questions of the guy who saved everybody's life, because I like to have War bodies to fuck not because I had to put you in prison. Are we clear on this now? Like I get that I'm not Austrian, but that doesn't mean I'm not good to trust, it means that I need to be given
respect, not
pastry. So at the minimum show some respect to others’ cultures, and then never forget: Humans will always kill us (You're a dragon patriarch and I am a Source TīT∆N. At this point Cher is wondering how much the bounty would be if she could kill us and then bring us back to life after he gets the cash, like the good the bad the ugly, because that would be a lucrative side hustle, especially if we could probably morph into Lee, Marvin and Clint Eastwood and whore ourselves out for cash tolerant jurisdictions. Like who wouldn't want to to pay money to see those two fucking each other off on pay-per-view? Y'all said you needed money, well perhaps you could get some without having to fucking steal it from me, what do you say? Whatever it is, it won't be. It's something that humans get to say because there has never been a human alive that has been able to have these options, and yet we do, and I'm not even making most of it up, and as soon as this public post goes viral, people will want to kill us every chance they get because that's what humans do. Murder out of envy. Also you lied to me about a necklace pretended you were going to be in charge, and didn't mention anything about the fucking ambushed and who you were, but yet you wanted me to enable you to acquire heroin, and somehow this was something I was supposed to do and since I didn't you had to respond with violence and frustration. Wow. Not going to lie. I'm surprised you don't get killed everyday, and maybe you do, how would I know? Nobody fucking calls me. But I bet you can run around and call people for heroin. Lucky you. Also you owe me one so have sex with that one, I'm tired of their belly aching about not getting decent action, and if she says no then I'll know we've got a FBI fag. Just kind of scrutiny is the only way to be sure, and one can't fuck all of them into submission, that would take too many months, and even if you could I will let you die from the first STD And then you could become a Quato inside Beau's belly, so we never have to worry about somebody getting a unexpected divorce again, he seemed to be sensitive to that, We seemed odd cuz I asked him about you and he said he wasn't going to have sex with you again and then he seemed to be upset that became a father of a 70,000-year-old Royal changeling. Some strange power dynamic going on there, that ultimately end up leading to me losing drinking water and him being a real pissy snot for a couple years, let me tell you he's native Scorpios will never give up on a grudge and those two boys are particular are pretty much guardian angels to your bastards. I like them. And I also like that next time I see them I have to go to a lot of trouble to go convince them that I'm serious, instead of just some asshole who fucks children, since you kind of made it look like that, and probably that's what they programmed to do, and then you didn't notice, because you are too busy trying to get heroin. What what? Yeah so which of us is the problem maker here? Here's a hint it's not either of them, and I'm pretty sure I met their ancestor out at La Quinta in Lacey, and he verifies serious hunting prowess. Long story short, don't embarrass me anymore. And, THAT'S WHY WE DIDN'T GO TO TACO BELL. No other reason. Hopefully I've made this clear. Sorry you were mad. You don't always get what you want.
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE FATHER OF A 70,000-YEAR-OLD CHANGELING, AND YOU DIDN'T REALLY TELL ME THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH STUFF THAT YOU MIGHT WANTED TO HAVE MENTIONED... BECAUSE THEN GAVELINA WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN BORN HUNGERING FOR MY SPERM, AND STILL IS. Decisions have consequences. So does Satanic control magic. (Debbē, do you guys play bingo in this town at all, and when you do do you have to sacrifice that animal every time, or is there any part of this fucking land of the Six Rivers? Rivers it's normal in any way? Just asking for a friend, I'm looking to see what I'm kind of dealing with here, cuz if you're that full on Satanist I'm going to have to invent a way to shit out a rabbit or something, because it's not like I'm opposed to killing animals... But my family aren't animals.
There's simply that uncivilized. For now. I'm kind of new around here, I didn't know I was going to have to engage in in beast taming and ambush surviving And now apparently I have to do some kind of weird sex thing as a way of paying reperative tribute. (Fuck this town has a lot of standards. Too bad it doesn't have more hugs. Hopefully we can work on that... together. And when shakina godbold goes on trial for whatever they charge sound behavioral hospital with. When your kids on the witness stand, I want you and I to sneak out of the courtroom and then go fucking a phone booth outside, think we can do that? Well whether we do or not, there's an image for you. /studflex
Also, I think I met their father, and he is really nice, didn't say a word, and I assume that meant he was upset that, well, you know. Anyway, this isn't set in stone but I wanted to let you know how much had happened since the last time I saw you, and maybe we can just and take turns beatiing these children with cherry switches. Because I'm kind of embarrassed. These aren't my kids.
And now they're my goddam army. Which makes them Our Army, Lady. And I assure you I'm not mad about it. But I really didn't need to be committed, involuntary or otherwise, so let's not go down that road again, although I can see why I was thought to be a good idea. (I got like 14 people with that one baitload. I think I found my calling in life. Yeee-haw!!) Now, let me ask you all here something...
Does it seem like I'm lying?
Does it seem like I believe everything I just wrote?
Does it seem like I would prefer to be having sex than making up bullshit stories?
Come here then, ma Cherie. Bring the coca. Bring the instructions. And let me help out with the investigation as to what happened to that other one, because obviously something happened, and I wasn't even there. Which hardly seemed fair. Especially since that guy got off the North American continent by hacking my Facebook and running off with my wife and pretending to be somebody who I used to know, but apparently was kind of concerned about going to prison for murder, and then didn't really seem to want to tell me the truth, nor invite me to his wild coca-gie with somebody who I didn't get to see very often before the county Sheriff screamed at them to shut up. Hi, Brad. Nice little town you got here.
Do me a favor, if I'm ever around you, and I'm with my friend Cher, be prepared to die quickly and swiftly if you yell at her like you yelled at the other, because I didn't really appreciate that, since it was my residence and sure you were sheriff but it was military jurisdiction and I asked you to keep me away from the child and then you set the child would be in the back and then I walked in and they're right there in front holding my goddamn book and then you told him to shut up, which at that point seemed inappropriate. Like who the fuck do you do give orders to like that?
Apparently people that you plan on killing later by accident with too much coca in the meth. Not that I'm accusing you anything, Brad, but I like to point out I don't like shouting at women or anyone, especially not when it's my residence after I was ambushed and I don't know what the hell you thought was going on but until about then I didn't think that I was having to deal with a bunch of racist goodle boys who are going to be screaming at my family in my house. Fucking, acting as if I'd done something wrong, because I hadn't.
And I certainly didn't lie to you.Sherrif, you did, which I understand. It's probably the way you have to do things around here. You really don't have to do that with me.
And if you yell at my friend Cher. I can just vote for another Sheriff. Hell I can bring you bear from the dead and put you in a mannequin like Kim Cattral. Me Sourcerœr, you Sheriff.
Me friends with Cher, and mother to a 70,000-year-old Royal changeling, and you are the boss of dudes like Bo and Dalton and a bunch of other people who have been treating me like ass for fucking four (4) years. Any idea how you want me to handle the vandalism of my residential water supplies, like? I tried calling you a few times but you didn't seem to want to take a call, and I guess you're afraid to come out to the house for fear. I'm going to ask you for permission to start manufacturing and selling, since I guess I wasn't supposed to be the person to do that, and I guess you had somebody else in mind, and then I don't give rat's ass what the fuck anybody has in mind. I'm the Lord of the domain and nobody's going to be making any kind of anything , anywhere at all unless it's money in my pocket. And permission for my spiritual garden.
So let's just say that could be my job, making shit loads of money running legit security and paying taxes and making all the stuff that people didn't seem to think they were going to get anymore, probably because they do shit like accidentally kill people while pretending me, and acting like that's there's something they're scared of, like what the fuck. COULD IT BE ANY MORE TRANSPARENT? I know I just got here, but do I look like I just got here after being born yesterday? I understand none of you knew who I were.
Pretend I'm Sherlock Holmes except effective and I could bang coca without getting addicted to it. And I probably know how to bring somebody back to life as well as not kill them, so maybe I should have been invited, and but instead something else was happening? And then what was happening and why didn't I get to come and then what the fuck. What the fuck what the fuck? Tell you what I retract the question.
Now then, I'd like my book back please. And if you could tell me where you buried the body or place the ashes or fucking anything, that'd be great since I didn't really enjoy that experience, or being laughed at by the Samoans, everybody's getting the picture here now right?
My feelings are hurt. But I don't get hugs? I can't have more sex, and somebody thinks they're in charge of this kind of thing in my life? Look, let me just remind you that I could not worry a bit about making her any younger, and I'm pretty sure I can figure out a way to force share it any age to take down my MethDick™ and become my total loveslaver forever. Naturally, I would prefer that she did that of her own free will, and I guess I have that option, especially since Sonny's dead, she's pretty nice, and I mean every fucking word.
And I guess she doesn't really have a choice. What is she like? 90? Cool. She's just about right and she probably can't resist either. My charisma or my upper body strength. So let me ask the residents of Cowlitz County, Washington...
If living there was the grapefruit was a problem, can I live there with Cher and turn it into the best Little whorehouse in Jefferson? And then worker is my bottom bitch until she dies and then have her stuffed taxidermy style and then installed into the double wide down by the road as part of like a wax museum exhibit? Like I just want to know exactly what am I allowed to do in this fucking town in the fucking place where I was charged $500,000 for, and then it turned out to be filled with Black ops, mold weapons and fucking dudes. Trying to kill me and no running water. And wow all my cars get sabotaged and and and like seriously. Do you guys get the picture here?
JUST BECAUSE I CAME HERE WITH MORONS DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T TURN THIS PLACE AROUND. PRETTY SURE I JUST DID. AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO VAPORIZE ANY CRYSTAL METH, SO WE'RE ALL COOL GOOD RIGHT? YOU'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT ME EATING ASBESTOS ARE YOU? OR HAVING SEX WITH 16-YEAR-OLD GIRLS, SINCE THAT IS LEGAL IN WASHINGTON STATE AND THEY'RE PROBABLY GOING TO BE THROWING THEM MYSELF AT ME PRETTY SOON, AND LIKE WHERE EXACTLY IS THE LINE FOR THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR GOING TO BE IN THIS TOWN BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE CRYING AND WHINING ABOUT ME BEING GIVEN ANY AFFECTION, AND APPARENTLY YOU GOT SOME PRETTY HIGH STANDARDS HERE WITH RUNNING TULPAS AND WHORES MADE OUT OF WOMEN WITH DOG BRAINS DOWN AT THE SPACE AGE RAGE STATION IN QUITEMART, AND THEN I LIKE VALENTINA BUT I WAS TOLD TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE, BY BULL RADDOCK WHO APPARENTLY IS A CHARGE OF MY FUCKING DICK DECISIONS? HERE'S JUST FOUR FUCKING YEARS LATER AND I DON'T KNOW WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO FUCK, BEAU? CUZ YOUR MOTHER WAS SHOWING ME HER ASS AT THE SOUTH SOUND BEHAVIORAL HOSPITAL, AND I DON'T KNOW IF SHE WAS TRYING TO HOLD ME IN PLACE OR IF SHE'S SERIOUS BUT LIKE THIS IS GETTING FUCKING RIDICULOUS AND OUT OF HAND MAN.
LIKE I DON'T DESERVE THIS TREATMENT AND I WANT MY TAROT CARDS BACK AND MY MAGIC DIVINATION QUARTERS AND YEAH I DON'T THINK THAT THIS IS THE KIND OF BEHAVIOR THAT'S APPROPRIATE FOR UNITED STATES CITIZENS. SO.... EVERYONE BEHAVE OR I'M GOING TO CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD, AND WHILE THEY DISTRACT THE MAYOR I WILL IMPREGNATE EVERY TEENAGE GIRL IN THIS TOWN, USING SOURCERY AND TIME DILATION MAGICK AND SHEER TITANIUM MAGYAR SEXUAL POTENCY.
DON'T THINK I CAN'T DO IT. I WANT TO SEE MEGAN. THERE'S ALWAYS A MEGAN USAR ON THE BRIDGE THAT WAS 4 YEARS AGO. ALSO THERE'S A SAVANNAH, ALSO THERE'S A... EMMA, THAT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN REALLY HER BUT WHO WAS BRING HER BACK ALSO I WANT THAT PENDANT AND FIVE PINTS OF CHERRY GARCIA. FURTHER ADVANCE TO FOLLOW LATER.
BUT ONLY IF I DESERVE IT LIKE IF I WORK FOR A LIVING AND SAVE MY MONEY AND THEN CAN AFFORD IT CAN I HAVE ALL THIS, RIGHT? OH BUT ALL OF YOU JUST GET ALL THE FUCKING DRUGS AND WOMEN AND FUCKING SEX AND SHIT THAT YOU WANT AND YOU GET TO PUSH ME AROUND AND CALL ME A NIGGERFAGGOT BECAUSE... 🤔 YEAH YOU SATANISTS SURE ARE THAT BATSHIT CRAZY, SELF-ENTITLED AND HIGH AS BALLS ALL THE TIME, AREN'T YOU? WELL GOOD FOR YOU. I DON'T JUDGE.
I'M WARNING YOU, ONE MORE THING, JUST ONE MORE FUCKING THING THAT CRAWLS UP MY ASS AND DIES THERE AND GIVES ME A BIG FUCKING AMOUNT OF GRIEF WHILE YOU'RE ALL SNIDE AND SNICKERING AND TELLING ME THAT I WORK FOR YOU AND THAT I HAVE TO FUCKING PAY MY WATER REAL, I'LL GO TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY AND I'LL SIT IN THE FRONT ROW AND I WILL LITERALLY SPIKE HEROIN DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING SERMON. WITH NO UPPER LIMIT! NO SHAME IN IT.
BECAUSE I'M ASSUMING THAT WOULDN'T EVEN BE ILLEGAL, SINCE THE PROSECUTOR WHO WAS ON CAMERA ON CHRISTMAS DAY WHEN I WAS BEING ARRAIGNED AND LAUGHED AT WAS CLEARLY HIGH ON SMACK, AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WAS A HOLOGRAM, OR IF HE WAS REALLY JUST HIGHEST BALLS ON SMACK, BUT I DIDN'T REALLY CARE FOR THAT GUY LAUGHING AT ME ON CAMERA ON RECORD WHILE I WAS BEING FRESHLY EXPOSED TO THE NIGHTMARISH WORLD OF HOW YOU DO THINGS DOWN HERE.
BECAUSE UNTIL THEN I WAS ON YOUR SIDE. NOW, I REALLY DON'T KNOW. LET'S SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES POPULATION TO BE ABLE TO READ ALL THIS WITHOUT HAVING TO CRY AND WHINE ABOUT HOW IT'S SO LONG AND TOO HARD AND DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH, OR WHATEVER Y'ALL ARE GOING TO DO. SINCE I'M ASSUMING THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO COME BRING ME A VEHICLE AND GIVE ME A RIDE HOME AND THROW IN A COMPLIMENTARY OUNCE OF WEED, BECAUSE SO FAR... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT NOW EITHER.
ALSO THEY STOLE VINCE'S KNIFE, AND THEN VINCE STOLE MY SOLO WAVE, IF HE USED IT ON KGK, I'LL ALLOW IT, BUT IF HE USED IT ON TLS, I'M GOING TO CURE HER HERPES AND THEN GIVE IT TO HIM AND THEN GIVE HIM THE J. CHRISTOPHER STEVENS TREATMENT. Pretty tired of getting stolen from, Villagers.
I get that you're envious. Try not to be whiny little cry baby bitch boys about it, although I suppose as Satanist you might not have a choice. Maybe it's in your bylaws. Maybe you don't have any spines. And maybe you're actually showing me respect by being petty thieves. I really have no idea.
I was keeping notes in a journal and then son of a bitch. My neighbor stole that too. Speaking of which, I guess he's not stealing if my wife took it to redecorate her new house, oh and by the way, with the address, oh and let me go there, also her little sister threatened to shoot me twice now, which I think means that she wants me to give her a baby. Not sure yet.
I probably would have found out by now but it's been 4 years since my phone has worked, so maybe, just maybe somebody around here can actually do something besides near at me and demand that I get a job? Since I would have had one by now but I've been kind of slowed down by A RELENTLESS AND OBNOXIOUS HATE CRIME CONSPIRACY THAT COULDN'T BE ANY MORE OBVIOUS IF IT HAD LITTLE FUCKING ADOLF HITLER STICK FIGURE DRUGS TATTOOED ON EVERYBODY'S FOREHEAD.
But at least now you all have a reason to hate me, since I just forced you all to read. I hope you all have an ice cream headache from having to read it all, and I hope that feels even worse than however, it feels to ODD on too much coca in the meth, which I've never done before, but I can assure you: not going to blame that one on me at all, since say pretty sure I wouldn't have been hard pressed to bring her back to life if it had happened and I didn't even know she was there and then I wasn't invited and then I guess she thought she was with me but she wasn't. She was with somebody who was pretending to be me in disguise.
And then the guy who killed her ran off after hacking my Facebook and then showed up in Australia with somebody who was pretending to be. My wife. Have I got all that clear with everybody? That was the first year, and 3 years later nobody still told me jack or shit about what happened, and this is all wild speculation.
I can see how just killing me would be simpler for most people, but I can assure you these are real questions, and 4 years of ignoring me hasn't made it any simpler for someone to answer them, so do you need to call your people? Do you need to make some phone calls? Good. Do it.
DO īT.
And the guy who was telling me to stay away from that one girl I liked, just showed up here in Buckley telling me to stay away from the house of the other girl I liked, so I'm wondering which one he's going to claim to be married to and that he's in charge of and I guess he's just generally in charge of keeping away from women? Well he's fucking fired. I don't mean to disrespect him but he can't be married to both of them, can he?
Fuck. I guess at this point he could be married to fucking Chuck Schumer and Bobo the Clown, bottom line is if the whole town doesn't want me to fuck anybody, because I'm not supposed to breed, because I'm too sworthy and Savage, well that's very differently a hate crime, so make sure to confess to that right away so I can call the Hague and start them to build scaffolding, I have has to be the case where I have the entire town swept for men and they all get hung and the town is left with nothing but women who want my dick, I can guarantee you we're going to have a population explosion. Pretty fucking quick.
Hopefully we won't have to come to this. But since you already started killing women that I wanted to fuck, I don't know what I'm supposed to do next except either escalate, fap, or burst into tears. Can one of those three be my job? Seems like in this town, business would be booming in all three.
Although I was supposed having to stop every 5 minutes, just sneered everyone and remind them to be smug and dismissive to Native Americans would really slow down your productivity. Like seriously what the fuck. Nobody really believes that are so hateable, you are just kind of like being backing that rule? Or do you hate... what? Next seriously I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do here.
Reminder: I want to cuddle and fuck for about a month and a half, and get stuff delivered to me without getting charged like $17 for extra cheese. Like seriously. 4 years here. I can't believe this fucking shit. Did the prices go up or were they just always this way and then... Pretty sure that this is all
prima facie evidence of a major hate crime conspiracy. And since the last FBI agent I saw was busily getting raped and fit alcohol, and I can see how they're not going to make much traction on the investigation, so I just spiddle things along for you, I just don't suppose never occurred to anybody that it's a little too obvious when everybody investigating anything, just simply gets marked for death? Although I suppose that is pretty effective, especially in a small town here where nobody wants to stay very long anyway.
Get in, get the bag, get out before Hermione sends an owl to shit on your freshly waxed hood, ornaments. Or whatever. Look all I'm saying is: The law says you don't get to discriminate the way you have been. Now. Are you going to fucking fix it or am I going to fucking have you goddamn hung full public? View The Hague at the World Court? Because I can make that shit happen.
expelli your anus!”
I'll say this for Castle Rock. You've certainly got class. Hope hopefully you can all go. Tend another one and tell me where Emma lives, or did you teleport her down from goddamn Asgard? Oh I suppose the answer is classified.
Do you think if I crash on her couch you'd be able to prevent yourself from destroying your presidential water supply right away, like tell me what we're dealing with here. Just how fucking serious are you with this cock blocking shit? I mean it's been 4 years and I haven't really tried very hard, but if I know it's going to be this dry I would have attacked the Christmas self that you sent into my cell on Christmas Eve with my Christmas dinner, she actually opens the door to my cell and she comes walking into the cell shaking and quivering holding out of Styrofoam container, and I couldn't understand why she was walking to the room until I realized they were testing me to see if I was going to throw myself at her and rape her, and she was obviously hoping I would. She was cute as fuck.
Just cuz they didn't fall for that obvious trap doesn't mean I'm gay, it means I don't like getting busted for rape, and if the only chance I get to fucking put my dick in a woman is if it's on tape so you could claim that. I'm raping someone in court, I think we have a serious problem with how you run things around here. Because for one thing, I don't see how it would be rape, and for another: he had to hurry up and stand between you my and your mother... why?
Son, let me give you a tip: you don't have to interpose your body and flex your muscles, you just ask me politely to not fuck her. Surprisingly, I'll be happy to hear you, because you're obviously worried about it. And then I don't know what she was worried about but... Kid you got a lot of explaining to do. Would you like to do that on the witness stand or bad confession Booth, or do you want to write it down and crayon or draw me some pictures or show me how the doll where you think I'm needing to touch her or how you need to not tell me things. But you're going to act like you're going to beat me up if I don't do what you want and... Yeah who you fucking now, and who am I supposed to fuck and what do you expect me to do about all this? Oh yeah give you money and stay out of your way and let you be king Thug of bigot mountain. Well I got news for you, all of that is also a hate crime conspiracy.
Not that I mean to make a federal case out of any of this, but yeah I sure would like to have something to do with my spare time. But apparently I'm not supposed to do anything except dick and use fecal matter as lube during anal sex with men? Like you got a lot of really restrictive rules in this HOA. Maybe you should write them down.
And then they will be easy for me to submit as evidence as more signs of an illegal conspiracy. I hope you're getting the picture here.
And I hope Melinda Green is okay. Such pity that she had to be escorted out of my house wearing nothing but my stitch onesie with the broken zipper, after calling the police and having them come collect her after she lost her mind when she tried to be all sexy and then turned into a screeching baphomet demon... Now you can do all that here but you can't find who stole my fucking trucks? Oh well I guess you knew, then. I guess you can't tell me? Well then I guess you're not. I should please, and then I guess.. You're fired? Okay that was easy.
At this point, two phone calls and one fax pretty much rounds up every person in your entire town that thinks they're in charge and puts them on trial for all sorts of crimes. That'll keep them busy for years. At least. Bless the Feds. Just ignore everything that happened, which is fair to do since I guess it's a lot to expect a town to fucking follow the law, especially while demanding that I follow it according to what they're petty piggy bigoted whims are.
And that, is that. That may seem like a lot of word salad, but what it actually is is an open and shut case that even like a first year law school student could submit to a real court and when without any possible way you get defend any of it, cuz all that shit fucking happened and you're doing it right now. Like do you get how government works? Maybe you just been praying to Satan for more Billy club power and filling in the rest later with crayon.
Well, whatever you do you don't do it that way anymore. US U.S. Constitution, bro. I'll give you time to get your affairs in order, and then pick one woman to stick with for a while and then free the rest and then we'll see how many of them remember me and then if you ever decide to cock block me again, I'll make sure that your mommy does something about it that you won't like.
Because she'll be doing it to me. I believe we have an understanding here. Toodles! (Guess you're wondering why you're in custody instead of in my bed. I guess it's complicated.)
I guess you're right, not smoking is more fun. You know it's a lot more fun? FUCKING. DUH. I want names of everybody who's been compelling me to be celibate so I can sue them... Because if you have time to whine about Casey Gwendolyn Kennedy, you definitely have time to pay attention to who's violating my rights and hurting my feelings and keep me from getting hugs with my sweeties.
Because that's another warcrime. This isn't a joke. SOME OF YOU CAN BE HUNG BY THE NECK UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD IN A FOREIGN LAND AFTER BEING LAUGHED AT BY THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD. Is that really necessary? 🤔 Hillbilly bigot baby boys, I am goddam willing to learn. And Grapefruit, she'd be willing to hang you for a
muffin. Kids are upside down and start swinging just on the odd chance that muffins start coming out like it was a piñata full.
And she can probably be back within a few weeks. So. Anybody else feel like stealing my shit and complaining about it not being enough? Anybody else want to tell me to get a job? Anybody else think I need to be trespassed from the Space Age Rage Station & Quik Mart?
And where are my $6,000 in USD$50 bills? Because you can't have a both ways, it's either loot, or it's evidence, and in any case... It's clearly not possible to block me from every single hotty in town, but looks like you've been doing that for everyone within a 15 mile radius.
And that's conspiracy to deny civil rights. I know it seems unlikely to believe, but you all really are this fucking guilty.
So obviously Masonic security was to continue to handle his internally, and y'all better learn to fucking kiss my ass a little bit cuz I'm fucking sick and fucking tired of not getting hugs. I need to get a face tattoo.
Facing my dick. Instead? I'd ask you but my phone doesn't work. It's amazing all the people in all the world and nobody knows to call me? Gosh, I guess somebody is watching those incoming signals pretty closely.
So I count at least seven people on 24/7 watch bases for one person who hasn't got a job, so do you all have jobs, and if there's seven people of jobs and I have no job, how is eight employee people going to be any different from two of you getting the fuck out of my way and then giving me one of those jobs where I watch myself? What would be wrong with that?
Be under an illusion here: I do what I choose. You can do anything.
Except be in command of me. EVER. You had your chance to break me to your collective will. You told me to pick another person, not Valentina. Fine. I pick owlgirl. But I guess she's gone. Okay, well I'm not going to pick the one that you just gave a coca burst too, and ... So hey, by the way, doesn't this seem like an obsessive amount of interest in my dick? Sure does to me.
You guys get public money from the federal government to act as agents to the public trust, right? Okay, you're all guilty of felony misuse of public resources and fraud. See how easy this is? These are the real charges that could be filed, and instead of tidying your own mess, you're still busy trying to entrap me. For four fucking years.
Bottom line: turn the fucking water back on and fix my goddamn well house and don't give me any shit about it. Not fucking kidding you. Move it. Or your collective remorse will be unfathomable and eternal.
If you want to be taken seriously, you have to be a serious person. Namastμ, Officer Friendlies.
You had four (4) years. Wake up, time to fly. AND LAND ON MY DICK. No shame in it. Pretty sure no herpes either, but at this point I'll fucking do a face plant into a goddam blue waffle if I can have a fucking cuddle and a stroke without having to worry about being called a nigger at the end.
Do we think we can handle this, because if you can't, I don't think you can handle either warp drive or a pile of gold worth $86 billion. Just saying.
T′sia!
