WHEN DID YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL?
I participated in a Satanic ritual about a decade ago.
I'm not certain if that can be considered
selling my soul to the Devil per se.
AND WHY?
I was influenced by a creepy guy (who I met at university).
He was into black metal and was attracted to the Satanic aspect of the artworks surrounding metal albums.
He then devoted time to real Satanism, and exerted peer pressure over me to give my life force to Satan.
I was scared, but began the ritual-- I was alone when I did it.
I chickened out halfway through, but that night I had a shadowy figure tormenting me in my sleep.
I was paralysed and suffocating in fits and starts.
After that, it took some time, but certain events unfolded in my life slowly, and I unravelled into an unstable mess.
Eventually, I began hearing Satan speaking to me, saying that he hates me, and that I am going to die.
It was a very otherworldly, telepathic voice.
When I came apart fully, and descended into psychosis, I experienced uncontrollable mood swings and severe depression.
I was plagued by suicidal thoughts, and was urged to see a doctor.
I was put on antidepressants which drove me manic.
I kept having visions in my minds eye, and uncontrollable laughter.
I woke up at night with my heart pounding a hundred miles a minute.
I then saw a psychologist who sent me to a psychiatrist, and then was sent back to the psychologist.
I'm on all sorts of psychiatric drugs now, and life is better.
I still have waves of severe depression and exhaustion every once in a while.
I feel numb, but I don't care.
I still get the sense that the Devil and his underlings have a presence in my life, but not physically.
I am driven to do certain things by forces beyond my control.
My visual art is violent because the original inspiration behind it was to help me express my bad feelings.
But the problem is that I do not destroy the art, rather I publish it and store it in my studio.
I should burn it, but I am tempted to up the ante every time I get my hands on a new blank page.
Its a vicious cycle.
