Author Topic: BEN! CHARLIE! PLEASE GET MOMMY A GUN! THANKS! -DAD  (Read 7044 times)

BEN! CHARLIE! PLEASE GET MOMMY A GUN! THANKS! -DAD
« on: April 18, 2022, 11:33:00 AM »
Cuckstar ✍ writes:

"This is well cuz I just got information on who killed somebody. Naturally, as a member of the clergial services, I don't have to tell you if I don't want to, Man, I'm sure y'all just think I'm stupid and high and totally off of my balls, Right?"

🤔❓
Hmmm...

RITE! Nailed 💅 it!
HOW DID YA GUESS?

Re: (BLANK) (CLANK) PLEASE GET MOMMY A GUN! THANKS! -DAD
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2022, 06:13:53 AM »
Cuckstar ✍ writes:

"This is well cuz I just got information on who killed somebody. Naturally, as a member of the clergial services, I don't have to tell you if I don't want to, Man, I'm sure y'all just think I'm stupid and high and totally off of my balls, Right?"

🤔❓
Hmmm...

RITE! Nailed 💅 it!
HOW DID YA GUESS?



I just noticed this here. Been here the whole time, just hanging out, and no one thought to drop it off? Wow. I mean, even I would like to point out that this is flagrantly disrespectful, defamatory, insensitive, etc...

Oh, but, there's a chance it make me lose social standing points. Worth it. Leave it up for weeks, then assume that even if I had the problem you are all getting' recompensed to front that I have, well, how is that helpful? Also, I'm fine. Hi! livetotesstrong. I don't even have ball cancer.

Some people are so hard to please. I'm just glad I haven't made things worse for anyone, except maybe me and those who were certain they knew better about my circumstances than I myself did. Well, let's just see. I'm game! I'm ready to wait! This is a rare combination of circumstances for a Hungarian.

Not like any of you are intersted. Stupid circumstances. Dumb context. Petty social commentary. You know, a satirist isn't all that far from a sadist, if one ever stops to think about it before being punched in the face. Bam!

Re: Psychotherapy on the Fly
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2022, 06:20:21 AM »
You know, a satirist isn't all that far from a sadist, if one ever stops to think about it - before being punched in the face. Bam!

Always nice to end on a happy note.

Re: Psychotherapy on the Amistad
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2022, 06:24:15 AM »
Always nice to end on a happy note.

Yes, and I appreciate having a steady witness for once. Seriously.

Once.

Ta! (I'm taking it all. You can have it back later. Needs a good dusting.)

Re: Psychotherapy on the Defiant
« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2022, 07:06:29 AM »
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjXilHNAacw

Always nice to end on a happy note.

Especially if Counselor Troi does something useful with empathy other than crashing the ship into a planet, on her first time in the chair.


Now, please, if you would, allow me to explain: somebody's getting liberated, someone else is pissed about it, and I really am Neutral. I am not involved and I am completely happy no matter what outcome results from... whatever you Punyling rugby squads are arguing over. Sounds serious, though. To you at least.

Guess how much better it gets by demonstrating a willingness to throw spackle on an uninvolved, relatively innocent bystander, and then when that person becomes the next hot sacrifice on an all-new episode of The Wicker Man... look, all I am saying is, I would rather be somewhere else too.

And I would rather not have caused us all such harm. However, as I did ask humbly and sincerely some time ago, we're kinda past all that now. Also, I'm past low-vibe entanglements. Like, do I want to take out my aggressions on you for frustrating me? Oh no. I wanna take them out on your President. Since he's not available (nor Human), I can just work on down the line.

You might be able to see what is happening here. One by one, talking to two by four.


I don't even want to be here. I had other plans. They got pushed back. What would you like me to do? Too late, I'm numb and deaf to transmitted commands now. Alas. Perhaps with more threats of violent beatings, or better still, threats of coercive rape and an implied promise to enjoy the notion?

Like I can't even begin to tell you how boring this all is, and since that's the legit truth, the 3 or 4 people who have been, in disturbingly recent memory, trying to assign blame to myself, for what are truly some horrific crimes (from what I have heard), well.. I can see how people with their logistical supply lines copromised and their information pool tainted with, perhaps, let's say... WENDIGO URINE... look, I'm just letting you know, I'm okay with myself, so you should probably relax a little.

I wondered what would happen if I got drunk and screamed about something and made that my last Five Minutes With Jackstar. "What will they do?" I wondered. Finding myself short on both focus group access and reliable sources of external wisdom, I just did my best and watched.


I did not expect anyone to actually fall for me having an anger mangement problem. That wasn't a problem. I wanted people to know what real anger sounds like. There have been those who have received erroneously produced reports. (I won't tell you how it feels to know that your awarness of my plight seems less than serviceably social.

Now, that being said, I am deliberately depriving you of my essence because I like to write, and I like to deprive people of my esssence. That's all. It's not punitive. It's not even personal. Here it is, what it is... it's art. No more. No less.


It's not the Art of War. It's the Art of Forcing A Flawless & Bloodless Surrender Onto A Numerically Superior Opponent. Trust me, I pull this off, they're gonna be talking about The Hungarian Tactician for a long time to come. First of all, you don't even know what I've even done.

Oh, but, you know it's cool to attack the source. lol. This is like Children Of The Corn... and, it is flattering.


Reminder: I wanted to talk about chess and Hunter Biden. instead, someone changed my plans. totesplans, toteschanged. And still! Totescomplaints!


Hopefully someone is paying attention here. Obviously, I'm not just a patsy, I'm a radioactive & leprous patsy. And obviously, it's the meth. Not like that wasn't someone else's problem, and I didn't see you commenting on that. Well, jokes on you, I'm going to launch the new show as this:

[IMETH]: date - funny double entrdre


and then I'll use ipots music, and I'll be smoking pot. The joke is that I didn't seek that out... someone else did. I would like something else.

It's not for me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll wait and see who gives up first before I start worrying about it, or casting aspersions. Obviously, some got a head start. Well, great! You don't see me judging, right?

I don't know what anyone sees, lol, because it never occurred to me that anyone could have mistaken my intentions so dramatically. I wonder if someone got out and pushed? Well, no matter...  because private, backdoor, backchannel diplomacy has told me everytihng I need to know.


So, uh... yeah. Bad Jack. Grrr. Arrgh! I understand, you're being coerced... best to put on a good show, just in case. I mean, obviously, I can't protect all of you all by myself, right?


Well, doing pretty good so far. By the way, what's all this tension? I am out of the loop! I bet someone thought that was gonna help.

Might as well trifled with me while they were at it. Stupid integrity. Dumb discipline. Absurd sense of ethic and fair judgement practices. I just ruined it for everyone, especially that gang of meanies who thought they had to be mean to me. Well, they didn't. But they were being coerced too.


Seems like a lot of trouble for the last Hungarian unicorn around (no really), but whatever, I'm a scumbag and the help I need is public shaming --tee-hee-- and, by Jove, I think you've all finally got it.


whispers: *that's what she said*

Re: Psychotherapy on the Amistad
« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2022, 07:34:43 AM »
(I'm taking it all. You can have it back later. Needs a good dusting.)

I am, of course, referring to all your rivers in Egypt, whether you're aware of them or not. A little trick I picked up on the way to Sourceror's Driving school.

Remember, you're not righteous beacuse I'm a rulebreaker... you're just pissy because I have a toy and you can't have your own. Funny, that was okay with seemingly all of you, not so long ago, when it was the other way around.

Note I take no pleasure. I am instead hopeful that you will all wake up soon, except for the (blank), who can stay assleep. I dont really have skin in the game. I am a neutral observer now.

I don't even care that I look dumb again. Wow, again? Big deal, it's not like I wasn't actually deliberately promoting a false picture of reality to see how long news of it would take to get here. Turns out, pretty fast.

Fancy that. Honestly, I had little idea. I mean, no one told me and I asked questions and all I got was punched in the face. Cool, right?


Not really, but yeah, I can walk it off. Big deal. Stupid shields. Doesn't even have any bookshelves. No sauna. No anything. What a waste of time, still being at liberty after years of persecution. I should have just gone and played tummysticks with Sakahrov that one time.

Stupid nuclear physicists. What do they know. Nothing, that's what, except, the shortcut to a gulag. Ho ho ho, it's Christmas time there a lot.

Oh yeah. Christmas. hehehehe.


God, it was awesome. No one ever saw whatever happened coming, I still don't know what happened, and I'm still getting shade all around for it. Now that's some spicy plausible deniablitity! Tell you what, maybe any of you could... I don't know. Anything.

Stupid anys. Dumb things. I'm just gonna sulk for 4 months. Then we can all be miserable about how I'm not going to prison. I know, some people were so looking forward to it, but, hey, guess what? Maybe--and here's a wild idea--I shouldn't be framed for shit I didn't do as a threat, and then actually try to file the fake shit, thinking I would be affected. Can you imagine? Wow, great case file work.


In the meantime... seriously, this is my first time. And I'm getting hazed. Jesus, talk about a tough crowd. Sorry I'm late.


I came as soon as I could. Who would think otherwise? I gave it a year before I thought to myself, "Hey, maybe I'm being lied to." Well, whaddya know. Still my fault thought I suppose, have I got that right?

At this point I bet most of you honestly can't recall. I love it when a plan comes together... in_real_time. Right before our eyes! It's like magic! Remember the K? That was worth screaming about, huh? Huh.

sure, I'm not traumatized at all. Stupid letters. Stupid alphabet. Stupid training system for (blanks). Oh, wait, those all work awesome, I'm totally happy, and, you know what?

If you weren't getting so well-incentivized to not break ranks, it wouldn't look so suspicious. bbl, gonna go knock over a gas station so I can buy a microphone.

it'll be the fourth, but I'm kinda being... meta. In case you're wondering why, someone killed my old neighbor's cat last week.


Huh. Gambling debt, probably. You know how these cats are.


Good night.

Re: BEN! CHARLIE! PLEASE GET MOMMY A GUN! THANKS! -DAD
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2022, 04:08:29 PM »
HOW DID YA GUESS?

I have been deliberately conveying the impression because it is fun to be honest and not have to hide myself from other people, mostly because I think it is fun to educate people with outmoded ideals. Like, "smoking pot all day is wrong." See, that's just envy talking.

Speaking of envy: I could have addressed the matter way earlier, and now it's way more delicate and amusing... for me. You're mean. You take advantage of people for no reason other than your own vain aggrandizement. Also, I can see why you didn't wanna send me any docusments that were real.

I have no idea what you have done, but I know what it has done to me--tickled me pink. Lucky you, I"m not into attachments, and lucky her, I feel like showing you what true Authority becomes when executed. I also continue to feel that you're getting exactly what you deserve, and I have no desire to call for more back up.

Okay? Boo! lol. Also, you're long gone and these are robots, this is an art project, and there is no reason to be this obtuse that is worthwhile, because I didn't arrive in search of. Someone was looking for me.

So, not you? I'll just wait. lol. Look, it's just not to be taken seriously. I was more than happy to get real... then everyone lied to me about everything. Wow, I'll just wait and see. I'm not here to impress anyone. And I already was impressed.

Oh, yeah, sure am still. #l8r

Re: BEN! CHARLIE! PLEASE GET MOMMY A GUN! THANKS! -DAD
« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2022, 04:11:52 PM »
I have been deliberately conveying the impression because it is fun to be honest and not have to hide myself from other people, mostly because I think it is fun to educate people with outmoded ideals. Like, "smoking pot all day is wrong." See, that's just envy talking.

Speaking of envy: I could have addressed the matter way earlier, and now it's way more delicate and amusing... for me. You're mean. You take advantage of people for no reason other than your own vain aggrandizement. Also, I can see why you didn't wanna send me any docusments that were real.

I have no idea what you have done, but I know what it has done to me--tickled me pink. Lucky you, I"m not into attachments, and lucky her, I feel like showing you what true Authority becomes when executed. I also continue to feel that you're getting exactly what you deserve, and I have no desire to call for more back up.

Okay? Boo! lol. Also, you're long gone and these are robots, this is an art project, and there is no reason to be this obtuse that is worthwhile, because I didn't arrive in search of. Someone was looking for me.

So, not you? I'll just wait. lol. Look, it's just not to be taken seriously. I was more than happy to get real... then everyone lied to me about everything. Wow, I'll just wait and see. I'm not here to impress anyone. And I already was impressed.

Oh, yeah, sure am still. #l8r

I thought you said you were going to stop this shit last night?!

Re: BEN! CHARLIE! PLEASE GET MOMMY A GUN! THANKS! -DAD
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2022, 03:58:24 AM »
I thought you said you were going to stop this shit last night?!

Did he say "...I'm not gonna lie..?"


hard glottal stop -- go fish
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2022, 05:43:47 AM »
I thought you said you were going to stop this shit last night?!

I don't think that one was to you, although I would be hard pressed to remember that it makes much difference. Not many known people, lots of dots to connect, and, I guess I did stop it. And I guess it started again? I am unclear on the target of your ire, other than my ethics in general.

First of all, it's not the scrolling. It's the mystic content. You know it's there. You don't control it, you don't like it, you don't even know it. Eewww, gross. Well, I can see what I can do by either doing it less often, or make it more occluded. On the other hand if it is the ongoing scourge of personal embarrassment I bet someone can bust out The Time Warp on the kazoo and you can jump right up and get started. Now as for any of that, I don't know, and I don't even know who you are.

Hey, here's an idea, I'll start issuing roughly issuing Halt! commands whenever I see anything that triggers my cognitive dissonance. Further, while I enjoyed the distribution of a tale I could have delivered anytime, that wasn't really the best time, and because of that, I did it anyway and assumed it would be gotten to in Divine Timing. I further assume that it won't matter either way.

I'm also unclear on this embarrassment thing. A sign of the maladaptive mind is the awesome assumption that the listener always knows exactly what you're talking about, which leads to things like what we have right here right now, which was, if you had a single plot of ground to erect an easel on that one, and then you could paint a picture of a person that looks like someone you might want to pay heed too, instead of one kept at heel. Now I'll be honest. It's nice to talk about anything anytime with you, since I like your writing and you've only recently begun to complain again, but even I do not even know what you are embarrassed about, and so, am I to just do nothing, or less of an unknown quantity, or, if you like, let me share how embarrassed I feel on a constant basis through the power of emotive dance: //o\\  That's a funeral pyre. It's a dance for cinders. Now, as near as I can figure, any attention at all gets you embarrassment unless it matches your protocol, and #1) been awhile, #2) look I can just be fled.

oops I am embarrassed. in any event I do not seek embarrassment for people and the stone cold fact is that I think you're actively seeking to promote and enjoy my embarrassment just as an aside. A chilling effect. Yet, consider: what if someone you didn't think hated you wrote the same? These are reasonable questions for a relative observer to have, and I agree with you, I am fullytoeson embarrassed right now. Why did this... oh, yeah, two (blanks) got rescued and you might recognize one or both. I didn't have much to do with it, besides remembering absolutely nothing useful.

I thought you said you were going to stop this shit last night?!

I'm a fucking ghost, Tootsie. (It confused me when you called me an anti-semite. I just though you were just kinda ig & cruel, but as you know I know whas a semite is, but I didn't know who the fuck that was and I was using a forum surrounded by people who also knew me, that I couldn't know back, and now know is basically typing class, anyway, it has haunted me. anon being insulting/cattty cant tell why and I guess it was ironic? I don't know why you would remember.)

Okay, that one is embarrassing, check. Or is it? Another one, I can't remember, however it seems clear now, wow! you hated me lots! It must be due to the fact that I denied you my essence... no? I still am puzzled by what sound drop you squeezed off there, "this isn't working" okay sure and you couldn't be bothered. Oh, but you could have been long enough to get your dope and to poke and prod me in front of other males who actually could breathe right. I'm not whining but when I consider it, I am of course able to see it quickly. But that's not what you did with me. Oh no... you made it special, and it was for a solid reason, I am sure.

I still couldn't breathe correctly but I didn't know anything about what caused it. And, well, you neither liked the kissing or the me enough to find out... bye dude! See you in a few years, HH down to Cali, hey uh... hold on. So you ki... oh, right.


This is one of those "embarrassing" things then. Tell you what. I won't go into this here. I knew it was the same setup gig when someone is taking me to meet a girl who says she likes me (yeah, sure, right.) and then in school someone is deliberately playing loud audio of a personal nature to provoke. I see all this as one event. No one paid attention to me, ever. So if there were any it would be typically part of an event. So some guy takes me out to see if I pass the test of mettle, and you're sending me IDFK, like didn't you just sound like you liked whatever name came out of a hat? I don't remember. I was dim, dull, and totesdrugless, and you were bright and vivacious and suddenly, much more popular once you started railing adderall DX, or whatever it was. I don't like sounding like this. It was horrible and I didn't even know. anyway, yeah, so you picked my name out of a hat or whatever, and then when presented with the situation, I got it over with. And here's why: you didn't wait on anything for me, and if I had waited, you likely would have made me feel small, because the whole thing didn't seem like you were interested, and I kinda didn't want to point out that you were really just kinda obviously trying to get a particular condition arranged.

I couldn't be directed, so, replace the cast. It wasn't that you did, it was how you did, it was without due attention to why, which was, some guy showed up and told yo uwhat I had done, and he did it in a way that made me less appealing, because I had fewer neurotransmitters, I wasn't on drugs, I didn't have every hot guy or just guy in school looking at you.

I had a medical condition and a growing awareness that it was basically fake. you drove for 3d goal markers and I was left behind and there was no hope even in person. Oh, but you got your stuff, and I obliged by making myself a cliffdiver so your mom wouldn't think it was just like you were just using me. (Not just you.) I couldn't believe, most of all that you thought I couldn't see it.

So, I'm over it, but rather than pick up with a new girl I just burned out the school and fled. I didn't have any energy, no one wanted to give me fuel, or whatever, and you were all, #peace! (What could you do about it? You could barely get your own hormone pills) I had hope and your plan confused me and it just seemed obvious to me, HEY YOU USED ME TO SCORE, which would be fine, right? but it was supposedly a secret, and you're like the only two women in my life to ever talk to me. (Cool.) And you ran some game without the truth in it. Sure, lie to me, what could go wrong. Well, nothing, ten years later I was mostly over it, I didn't dwell on it, Sue knew why I was pissed and what was she gonna say? Because you were careless too Yeah? So? That happens, and I thought that's all, and now I know why some things were awkward, and with the nose and the belly gone it's actual, and of course...  I don't think you think of me at all.

Why am I doing this? Something about embarrassment. I have an idea.

Did he say "...I'm not gonna lie..?"

Your slights upon me are some of the most petty shit I have ever seen, so. Not only are you, like, each others names holders, like who are you? you know what's going on here, and really, I ain't got a clue.

Having said that, I am obviously not macking on your wife, so unless I'm writing too many big words, I don't get the heatred. I imagine some of it is from an erroneous believe that you know about anything in my life. Here an embarrassment: this whole experience.

At first I suddenly realize that the person I asked for help was openly lying about it, reasons un clear but now wants attention. Well, let's see... where is T.? She's not writing back, and there must be a reason. Still don't know it. She does something back, not clear how. It's shady and cagey. Because, like, I'm a danger?

Okay, so there's like four embarrassments and put five on top, before Trollda, no idea who, not even my business, I ain't demanding answers, but okay, you and your mangang, tee-hee! hey there's Kuczi we've been ragging on him for approximately 20 fucking years and the poor fat fuck can't even breathe, we don't know that, and we wouldn't give a ashit if we did. we take the speed his "ex" gf shares with us, we laugh athe condoms she buys, etc... and you fucking know it, too. now that I have oxygen and I know my life, I can see how to push and roll you around. It's easy. For me. you're the one embarrassed. by feelings about me. care to cringe? Cool.

So even though I've been around, right? Oh, well, now it's meeeee. Now you all simile, I mean, it was cheerful, but it was your advantage and my ignorance and me kinda wondering? But no one tells me much. Why would they? don't know how to fuck or score drugs are project happy self-confidence. Nevertheless, I'm kinda okay. I have been writing a lot before, right? Totes, and somehow you say who you are today, and then, it's like, oh, there goes Kuczi, being embarrassing. What's embarrassing? Obviously, that I am here, and your pimp handlers are making it clear, they dominate your flesh. Now, that's embarrassing power.

It was okay for you before I showed up though.

I thought you said you were going to stop this shit last night?!

Been on Azzgab for a year, posting like normal, no idea Master Trollda, T. NONE. my supposed "girlfriend" only tells me to shut up and suck her handlers dick. doesn't even mention she's hooked up with some girl who thinks I hate her, no, I think you had no idea what you were doing and you were careless and, uhm, duh? So you're having a whole nother life and I'm not invited because I hate gay people, no, you just didn't like something and you blamed me, okay so fucking everyone knows it's you, and then, I finally realize, wow, Allison just fucking lies to me, and I think about it, and figure it out, and then I arrow at you... and, oh no. You're embarrassed thobe found. but you're here with your team. they all know me too. Suddenly, I activate and wake up and say hi, hi hi, As if I don't know shit. And I don't. And then on that, you're embarrassed. Is it new embarrassment? Well, yeah, I found out where you were and I didn't even have to ask. So I guess you felt safe for year, real safe, because why would you have anything to do with me? Oh, but since I -knew- it was you, I would do.. .what? ust start spontaneously start stalking you?

I was not clear on details but it seemed like someone who wanted to talk to me would do so. You ignored me and fucked my girlfriend. I mean, sure. Enjoy. I was bad why, how? Well, not a girl, sure, but... look, I asked her to look and she blanked me for year and that's wicked cold shit. that's not anything civil. Now, tell me again, y'all problems with jme why? Wall, competition, and, I don't care about acting sober 24/7. So I show up and even though I've been there, it's embarrassing you. To whom? Your toadies? That you... look, whatever.


Re: Psychotherapy on Serenity
« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2022, 07:51:40 AM »
Is there any reason for that beyond you looking to be as insulting as possible? First thing: "my" sake. Yah. Sure. And, you "hope." Like there's question. Already the insinuations puzzle me. First of all... uhm, not glad to see me? Sad. I felt less loney around peoele but now, oh, it's on, hating on Jackstar, who has literally been assaulted and kidnapped, but it is not less than is deserved. What does bunny have to do with anything?

There are not legal boundaries here, and you have no concerns for my sake whatsoever. Your snide implication is as follows: you better not cause too much trouble again or there will be I dont' care what but I bret it's lame, and I don't think you remember this, but, I am the one who behaves, and, I'm not getting fucking poisoned anymore. Relax the velvet glove, you're too wound up over nothing.

Court no doubt scans everything and this part will narrate where I went. Hey, I suspect we would all like a quick and uncomplicated case dismissed. However, let's remember, you're being a snotty fuck. Okay, well, can you journal in some.... hey. yeah. You know what? I give up. I don't need to feel hated with everykeystroke, and there is no one here who appreciates me. Begin: you are all disgusting to me here. I didn't even know I was being excluded, I asked politely and was met with a blank everything. Now, I'm here, and I can see, cringing. Go away. I don't feel welcome, and obviously I won't be. I like my name and it appears to remind of something unknowable but definitely awful. That's our Jackstar! No, it's not. I've never felt closer to dog vomit before. "helpful to you" hey, getting throw in jail over bullshit was helpful to you, now we know where the rubber meets the road. Did you have a nice time? Spare me the detalils. You used this as an excuse to have thug cops haul me out of my house. There is no assault risk here, and none of you did anything to help me. Y'all loafed.

It helps me explain to you what the new paradigm has brought to our world, so you can scroll past it. I didn't arrive and start saying names so I could join the salad bar. I looked to see how fast everyone hates me. Turns out, fast, okay, well, I am not wild about that level of revulsion, that looks pretty pathetic. For one thing, the notion is a poor one, huh? okay, so, I forget who I used to talk to here, but when it is imagined that I am harassing someone... when I am not, look, I can't abide that. It's insulting. Would I do that to you? Well, if I did, you have back up. wtf, anyway, since I found out I am being lied to, I expected something like this.

Are you really this loathsome of character? It's not really funny, it's quite the strawman. And you knew that. And this one worked out, I mean I have zero need for a message board. No what that I am 100% login banned I don't know what to care about. I don't care about people who just hate me. Look, the broad told some guy to get a gang and pretend to throw the football to catch it so they could steamroller me. Why? I guess I showed a bit too much free will. I remember the event. Staged. That she was the impetus was not obvious util, thirty years later, okay, he's around, and... oh, wow, within instants of finding the name, he's making go back moves on facebook.

Hey, here's an idea: make your own edicts. I wasn't here for that, I thought it a ridiculous notion since you weren't looking for me and you weren't hot before, and I appreciate -- DO YOU APPRECIATE THIS GIFT -- that you weren't asking. Tell you what, I was wondering how any people would assume that was the reason to come here. Well, it turns out you straight men have the lowest opinion in the world of her if you think that's what I am here for. She likes you so much,  what would I do? I'm not here for that, and your flunkies sneering while you giggle does not have the effect you think it might.

I never thought that hiding would be necessary as I didn't know how much I had been lied to. No wonder so embarrassed. Try this: I have no reason to find you attractive, so why would I come here for that, it seems the assumption is one of crass and low feeding boot. Obviously I was worthless then. I knew that, you all rubbed it in, and surprise, you still aren't any kind. Thus, it was fake kindness anyway. I didn't demand your body, you acted as if, long enough to score, and then bye! That actually happened. Nothing has happened between us that means anything. And as I suddenly show up--note: I asked off and on for a year, and I was ignored--like instantly I'm detected, and then I get shade thrown on me, for what? I ask you, is it real? or is it as one unit? As I was just curious.

If you liked me at all I wouldn't have been covered out. I only expected to see how much hatred there was, and I had no idea that you thought I was that lame. I am not actually even. Even so, uh... I mean that is some contempt. What makes the girl associate with you? Oh, right, your dope. Look, spare. Did I ask? Did I inquire? I am the most hated person I have ever been. And the reason why would appear to be instead of being gracious I had to beg for attention and vouch for my "not too loud" skills. Look, I don't need this and it is filthy stupid. It's my house and they like her but not me. Well, I would go. Why return? Why there at all?

It won't be for company, that's for sure. I didn't know my apartment mate was actively ignored me, like I ask, and it's nothing, and it's totally decked. Why would I be here ever? I guess if she wanted pregnancy? What the fuck. So  I wonder, how is she not looking, right? It's there, it's all the time, she's all around, and I am not invited, I don't know why I ever thought anything but hatred from them.

No invitations, told me nothing, had sex without me, never told me anything, I guess they got something? well forget it. I don't need to be leg-humped, but I also don't' need the experience of being spat in the face by the window curtains. I do need to know why. I need to not do it again, as well as to take them seriously. They have nothing but scorn and bile. they seek to be meaning. I am not wanted.


Like I thought it might be bad? It's been a year, they're having sex, sure I guess? hey, what the... and nothing. keeps forgetting. Well, here's why, she knows they all fucking hate me. Okay, I'm out. I don't need that kind of thing. And hating me now, that's some leage orguild thing, and they're fond of the girl they pass around I guess? Look, I've never felt so pissed away on. I was sad she couldn't tell me, but now I see I was being spared. I don't know why I even wondered what happened to her, I thought she was maybe nearby, but no, there's' nothing of similar interest, everything is either boring or embarrassment and then her stupid fuckheaded thugs get all pissy if she dares to smiles or say a non-cross word.

Hey, here's an idea, how about you pre-meditate a complete stage and front to dispatch that the man YOU ALL SAY you hate gets hauled away for Christmas. I have snapped out of it. I really misremembered what it was like. I felt warmth and friendly something, well, clearly something grim. You're welcome to not say why the loathing is upon me--I probably killed someone, right?

Anyway, I didn't come to fuck her,  I came to mention that I sought to speak with my new nose and somehow no talk got through and I realized these people do not appreciate -- DO YOU APPRECIATE THIS GIFT, yeah, I do, actually, I hear that and I remember that you ducked me and left away and never tried to find me yourself, I wasn't worth that effort. Worth the effort to tell me to go away, though. Like Jesus, that is really tacky. I wouldn't have bothered if I had known how little I am thought of and I simply won't ever be here again, I don't want to see people welcomed this way, and fo rme, well you've always been dismissive. I just marvel at the opacity. Such coverage.


DO YOU APPRECIATE THIS GIFT
I found that sound clip and I sort of remember you sending it to me because I meant nothing to you and you had no value in me at all. I see you excluding me and putting other men in and.. what basis? That's kinda gross. I don't know if you have a relationship at all, and i'ts obviously not my business. thanks for slicing me away, and this place feels disgusting now. I'm not welcome, okay, enjoy your home and ostracize me? Not really, I don't appreciate the gift, because you lied to me and expected me to pay barrels of money so your fun without me could continue. I wish I had never come here and I've been abandoned in my own flat, obviously you and are not getting along when you're trying to kill me, and this is not at all supportive. I assume that means a distinct lack of support  is intended. You aren't stupid. I am happy to just fucing give up. Nothing but impossible with all of you. Not that, not that, blah, well, explanations are scarce. And no matter what, I am never greeted happily. My own home? yeah, fuck it. enjoy.

You have failed to tell me what your problem is but I don't understand it. I don't have to. A YEAR. I get pushed around and confused left for ages and that's okay, somehow I don't measure up. She doesn't want me to  measure up, fuck this. I don't know why I missed any company. just contempt from everyone.

And it is. Oh, did I write too many words? That's your opinion, and if that's all it took, no wonder you're all so pissy.

I never am taught or told and with no patience or reason might as well not bother.

https://youtu.be/rkYRytc2nnI


Re: Psychotherapy on Serenity
« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2022, 09:05:30 AM »
do not like

Keeping some record of my mental conditions is not a bad idea for someone who is going to be doing this awhile, and continued exposure to derision and ridicule is having a cumulative effect.

I write lengthy posts sometimes. And sometimes too long. But nothing makes me happier to write a sentence of love, about those I love, and of those who love me, except they're dead, something happened, some kind of sever, anyway. Like, back when what's her nuts was so miserable to be in Seattle, and she wanted to go off, she talked and talked, right? Okay, well, she had been treating me like dogshit since we met. Never nuttin'. She acted like I was scum or something. That happened a lot. See? Wrote that down. It doesn't have to be good... but it has to exist.

For example, I met Grapefruit Alpha, and I met Grapefruit Prime. Prime doesn't exist. Alpha exists, sure. She doesn't really seem to like me now. I guess she thought I could lift us out of time now. Things don't work quite that way. Also, she goes with her friends and I am third class citizen. And I am okay with that.

I have four months to seethe. Four months. That's a really long time. What do you think they're going to do with that? Sex drugs and rock and roll, of course, and also, well, write things down. But not really, not anymore. This is just not working out.

FOUR MONTHS. So, great time to reconnect? old friends? Oh fuck no. I'm wired up, they think. I'm on house security, should dry up.

Why is there no one with me near, who cares for me? It's a strike. I don't know what gave people the impression, but, it's gone.

I think that I am being forced to be more open. And by that I mean, open to other activities than writing. It is assumed that someone will want a mini-snapshot of my mental state, but really, not so much, and that fucking dog, he takes my picture, he thought he was gonna snap in. Then they're arguing. I felt bad.

Those four can have all kinds of fun. I am revolted by what I mean to her. oh, I did something wrong? bullshit. Everyone else gets to do things without recrimination, judgement--but I am looked at badly by them here, well, okay. I can't say that I will even notice.

Let me explain to you how this serenity thing works. You have it until it pops and then it comes back after an interval plus effort. in any event, the serenity of writing is very helpful, BECAUSE AFTER SOMEONE BRILLIANT CALLED THE POLICE DISPATCH, AND LIED TO THEM ABOUT ME, I FELT MY WHOLE LIFE GO UP IN SMOKE, ALSO KATHLEEN, STILL WAITING FOR HER "TRADE" AND I AM STILL WAITING FOR events to occur, and so I'm not ever able to relax around her. That was not necessary. Maybe I should have let her go. Then again, maybe not. I am so saddened by what happened to her. And I didn't even want to have sex, really, and it's not like she likes me that much, I don't know why T. could have possibly thought that. I guess she believes everything about everyone but us. And there's no us anymore.

I've been alone the whole time and she had to go out, because, she did all kinds of stuff, and she left me out, and what can I say about it? I barely understand it. But there is calmness in these actions, and why not do them? FOUR MONTHS TO SEETHE.

There is literally no one else invovled, so how is four months away from here useful? I mean, "contact." What could possibly be said? I find it absurd. I would no longer assume we are going to be around in any way, because there is no point.  Why a conversation would be a problem makes no sense to me, however, I guess they think it makes creative restrictions more interesting. For example, HER ENTIRE GODDAM FAMILY HATES ME, and actually, they were gonna put me in prison and give her a new ID, which, lame for me. So instead of having blast on me, I did not, and I did not want it ANYway. they set it up for themselves, and thought they were so great. I was so abandoned. I mostly still am. And so... just empty and gone? That's all I got? Well, okay then. I mean, there's cars and trucks and stuff, and no one... at all. Well, that's it for them. They are ust out gone there past anything. I guess they hate me for my freedoms.


I SUSPECT THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOME MORE REPERCUSSIONS
FOR EXAMPLE I WILL PROBABLY NEVER SEE ANY OF MY "FAMILY"
EVER AGAIN
SINCE THEY TRIED SO HARD TO GET THROUGH. I MEAN, NO.
I THINK THEY MIGHT BE OVERLY SENSITIVE.

I GUESS SHOWING UP FOR FIVE O'CLOCK FREE RENT FOR LIFE GIVEAWAY WAS TOO HARD.
IT MUST NOT HAVE BEEN TOO IMPORTANT FOR THEM. (FIVE CASINOS)

THEY WILL REMEMBER THE JOY OF THE HUNGARIAN BUST FOR SOMETIME.
I HOPE THEY ENJOY EACH OTHER MORE THAN i WOULD ALONE.
BECAUSE THEY CAN GO FUCK EACH OTHER TO DEATH FOR ALL I CARE.