You really don’t expect to find a woman that enjoys chess, do you?
That is first date kid stuff. You've already passed that "test."
If your plan is to try to combine chess and sex you might as well go gay. 
This is your plan. I'm already enraptured. I think what's happening now is the required period of public humiliation so that you can take our all your aggression and misandry out on me, here--right now, TONIGHT--at the source of the stream, because your irrational rejection and hatred is simply... well, it's out of place. I am sorry that I didn't tell you my plans first... but I did ensure that you didn't make a truly terrible mistake, and I have now, before you got too much raisin in you, returned to destroy your enemies, rescue from spiritual bondage, give you all my mommy's money, and introduce you to my mommy's lawyer, who you can fire anytime you want, because unlike the other person that I thought you were, I actually -know who you are-.
You've spent years looking at me, looking for you and thinking you were just some annoying harpy-shrew. Now, I know it's actually you.
You don't have to say your name. No need now. Because THE WOMAN YOU KNEW DID NOT TELL ME THE TRUTH, AND IT WAS YOUR DUTY TO ADDRESS THAT.
You didn't so I did it for you. Also I shoved a sweater at her and pushed her off a cliff. I expect nothing in exchange for these services, as they are all very fond memories.
Now, what's next? Can there be soup? I like soup. I also like an end to irrational, ceaseless loathing. Oh! I know what it is!!
* Jackstar announces as gently as possible that we've both been cursed by black magick generationally bound curses.
Seriously. But, I can look past them to see you. You... uhm, well, could you maybe try? *squinches up face trying to wiggle something* See? I tried.
I saw what you tried to do. Hey, do you still have the bio-bug enhancements? I hope so, because those bugs are our FRIENDS. *snap* Wake up.
Time is alive.