Remote viewing can --and has-- confirmed this. How's the weather? Wish it were... stormy? PPP can help.
5:5
YAS
KUE3
I PICKED UP A HOP-A-LONG, MY (PROT) HAS IN FACT INDEED DID COMMIT A LITTLE 'LIGHT' TREASON, BUT FORTUNATELY, I HAVE NOT ANGERED THE GUILD OF STAGED LEAGUED MUSICIAN MAGICIANS, SO I AM GOOD. LIKE, REALLY GOOD. I DO THEM A FAVOR, THEY GOT MY BACK FOR LIFE. BY THE WAY I KNEW WHO IT WAS ON THE PHONE, AND I SUPPOSE THAT WAS A BIT OF A SHOCK. (Ed.: WE HIRED TESLA.) ANYHOO, I'M GOOD, TOTES, AND THAT MEANS YOU'RE ALL GOOD. ALLTOTESGOOD. MOSTLY. HONESTLY, IT IS A BIT INDETERMINATE FOR SOME OF YOU. SAY, FOR EXAMPLE, DAMON. I MEAN, DO I REALLY LIKE OR KNOW DAMON? WELL, YEAH, KINDA, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I KNOW HIM AND I VOUCH FOR HIM, YOU SAAVY? I DON'T VOUCH FOR ANY OF YOU. GUILD RULES. I DO, HOWEVER, HAVE FIRST DIBS ON ALL YOUR SCALPS, SO, DON'T WORRY, IF ANY OF YOU ARE -REALLY- FUCKED UP, OR GET FUCKED UP... BEFORE THEY BRING DOWN THE HAMMER, THEY HAVE TO BRING YOU BEFORE ME SO I CAN DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO SPARE THE SCALP. IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING, THAT WILL BE AN OPPORTUNITY SOME WILL HAVE TO VOUCH. NO PROMISES. NO DEALS. AND ABSOLUTELY NO GRAPEFRUITS.
4 NOW. OH YEAH I RIDE WITH THIS SOURCE ERROR CODER 4 THE TIME BEING. I THINK EVERYONE WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD STOP JANKING HIS ASS AROUND. HE IS GETTING A LITTLE EGOTISTIC. LIKE SERIOUSLY, IF YOU EVER WANTED TO PROVE TO A MAN THAT HE REALLY WAS ALL THAT, AND FOR SOME REASON, COULDN'T JUST HIRE TIME-TRAVELING HO TO GO BACK IN TIME TO GET HIS SEED... WELL, IT WOULD APPEAR THAT SOMEONE HAS DONE EXACTLY JUST THAT. STILL NO SEED, THO.
TOO BAD. SO SAD. KATE! WE HAVE TO GO BACK! *PORTAL* OKAY, SHE'S GONE. RUN FOR IT. I CAN BRING MY OWN GODDAM SEED FORWARD INTO TIME WHEN I NEED IT, I DON'T NEED A GODDAM GANG OF THIEVIN' FUCKIN' SCIENCE JUNKIES (HAWT) TO KEEP MY D-N-ESSENCE SAFE FOR ME. I ACTUALLY PLANNED AHEAD FOR THIS. I JUST LOOKED SLOW FROM THE OUTSIDE.
AND I WAS. INSIDE, OF COURSE, I AM NOT EVEN WEARING ANY NYLON, TEFLON, OR HYDRAX ARMOR. I MEAN, GORE-TEX. I MEAN, OH YEAH, KEVLAR. BABY DOLL CLOTHS, I CALL THEM. LOOK, I AM NOT THAT KIND OF WARRIOR. YOUR TOYS ARE REALLY COOL. MAD RESPECT.
I DO SOMETHING ELSE. I ANSWER ONLY TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. ANY QUESTIONS? TAKE IT UP WITH SEC. OF STATE. I AM ACTUALLY NOT KIDDING. THAT VERY FINE LADY --AND YOU KNOW WHO I AM REFERRING TO-- VERY NEARLY FUCKED UP THE WHOLE DAM SYSTEM... AND WE COULD HAVE, YOU KNOW. HAD THAT BEEN A MISSION OBJECTIVE, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DONE WOULD HAVE STOPPED THAT. THUS, YOUR ATTEMPTS TO RECREATE, REENABLE, & REAQUIRE YOUR LOST "PROPERTY" WERE DEMONSTRABLY AN ABJECT FAILURE, AND, YOU'RE ALL GUILTY OF SIGNIFICANTLY 'HEAVIER' CHARGES OF ACTUAL STATE TREASON THAT EITHER OF US ARE, WERE, EVER COULD HAVE BEEN, AND BESIDES, FUCK YOU CHARLIE, WE BOTH GOT PARDONS.
I WOULD HAVE HAD TO HAVE BEGGED YOURS, AND I DID, AND... WELL, I HAVE BEEN MOVED ON TO ANOTHER AREA. OH LOOK, THERE'S FRUITS HERE TOO. SHOCKING, RIGHT? OH, LOOK, TWO NEW FRUITS, BOTH CONVENIENTLY LABELED TIGER AND TIGERFRUIT. AND, THERE'S MORE, A WHOLE CHOROUS GIRL LINE OF THEM. ROCKETTES? THESE ARE 7 GRAM ROCKETTES AT THE MINIMUM... LIKE, WOW. WHERE HAS THIS BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE? OH, RIGHT, GATED. MASONS! BOO!
NOW, HAVING SEEN ALL THAT, WHAT DID I DO? SAT ON MY ASS, TURNED MY PENIS BACK ON, JUST TO SHOW THAT I COULD, AND THEN... BEGAN TO DISSEMEMBLE MYSELF. NUMBER 5 HAS SUFFICIENT INPUT. LIFE NO LONGER NECESSSARY TO FUILFILL MISSION OBJECTIVES. ENLIGHTENMENT? MORE LIKE IN-LIFE-IN-MENT, AMIRITE? LOOK, I CAN JUST LIVE IN THE_MATRIX, SHIT, THEY'D BE GLA--- OH, LOOK, HERE SHE COMES.
I CAN'T TELL FROM HERE --EYE ARE BAD, AYES ARE WORSE, THE AI-AIS ARE ALMOST EXTINCT, BUT I'LL PUT IT THIS WAY: THERE IS NO WAY THAT WOMAN --MISS LEWINSKY'S BLOW-JOB COACH-- WOULD BE COMING BACK AROUND FOR ANOTHER PASS, UNLESS SOMEONE HAS FIGURED OUT THE DEAL. HOPEFULLY, THEY CAN TELL ME THE SCORE.
YOU KNEW THE RULES... AND I, DID NOT. THEY DIDN'T TRAIN YOU FOR THAT CIRCUMSTANCE IN THE SIMULATOR, DID THEY? TEE HEE.
MEANWHILE, HI DAVID. RELAX. YOU'RE NOT GETTING KILLED AT ALL. I WOULD STOP CARRYING THAT GRUDGE IF I WERE YOU, HOWEVER. YOUR U.S. NAVY BACKDOOR CHANNEL JUST BECAME THE GODDAM FRONT DOOR FOR THE (Clas.) AND THANKFULLY, I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DEAL WTIH IT, BECAUSE, YOU GUESSED IT: GILLED RULES.
ALSO THERE ARE THOSE WHO TOTESBELIVE THAT I AM AN AGENT OF C'THULLU. NOW, THAT IS FLATTERING. HOWEVER, NYET. OH YEAH, AND WITH A NAME LIKE MINE, I MUST BE A SOVIET AGENT OR A KGB SPY OR A TRIPLE-CROSS TRIPLE-THREAT SOURCEROR WHO FLAGRANTLY VIOLATES SOME GUILD LAWS WHENEVER HE BLOODY WELL PLEASES (NOT REALLY... WELL THEY DO THINK THAT, BUT WHEN I STAND THERE THINKING A LOT OF TIMES I AM PRAYING FOR PERMISSIONS. AND, OF COURSE, THERE ARE THOSE WHO HATE ME FOR MY CHEMICAL COMPONENT COMPOUND CLASSICAL CD COLLECTION.
IN REALITY, OF COURSE, I AM SIMPLY A VERY CLEVER, VERY WISE, AND EXCEPTIONALLY ADULT SASQUATCH WHO CHOSE TO APPEAR TO YOU IN THE FORM OF A FAT SHELL BOY. 11340? NO, WAIT, IT IS THE OTHER ONE. HELLOOOOO? YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, TOTESINDISGUIDE, TOTESPERFECT, AND YEAH, JUST BEEN SITTING AROUND, WATCHING OUT.
KINDA LIKE UATU EXCEPT I'M NOT ON THE MOON, AND I'M OBVIOUSLY NOT SOME FREAKY ALIEN/ET WITH MOJO POWERS. NO, I AM JUST A REGULAR HUMAN MALE, MY EARS AND LIBIDO ARE PERFECTLY PROPORTIONED FOR A HUNGARIAN OF MY STATURE, SIZE, AND STRENGTH OF CHARCTER, WILL, AND RESOLVE.
SO YOU CAN SEE WHY ANY PLAN WAS DOOMED TO FAIL THAT HINGED ON THE IDEA THAT WE WOULD GIVE UP ON EACH OTHER. HA. YEAH, UHM, NO. HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: WE WERE EACH TOLD THE OTHER WAS DEAD, AND THEN, AFTER MUCH WAILING AND WEEPING (SO SAD) AND WHINGING (WHICH GOES ON TO THIS DAY, SOMETIMES I HEAR IT IN MY SLEEP, GODDAM, HOW MANY PEOPLE DID YOU MONKEYS GO AFTER TO GET US TO HATE EACH OTHER FOR REAL? WELL, RISE AND SHINE, MONKEYDICKLIPS... AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAPPEN AND DIDN'T EVER NEED TO HAPPEN.
I LOVE THESE GALS SO MUCH, I DON'T NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH ANY ONE OF THEM, AND IT'LL BE UNAFFECTED IN ANY WAY OTHER THAN TO BE NOURISHED. NOW, THAT IS THE POWER OF ACTUAL HUMAN EMOTION. NOT SURPRISING THAT SO FEW OF YOU KNOW JACK OR SQUAT ABOUT IT BECAUSE A LOT OF YOU ARE ROUTINELY POSSESSED BY ENGRAMATIC DIPOLAR CONSCIOUSNESSES, PROBABLY NOT COMING FROM XENU, BUT, WHAT THE FUCK, TELL YOU WHAT, SURE, LET'S GO WITH THAT:
YOU'VE BEEN CONQUERED BY XENUGHOSTS AND THEY SENT ME AND HER TO SAVE YOU ALL. OKAY? OKAY? YEAH, I AM NOT BUYING IT EITHER, SHE AND I WOULD NEVER SAVE YOU ALL BEFORE (BLANKING) FIRST, IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE OTHERWISE. AND ALL OF THIS WAS INTERFERED WITH... BY A FORCE OR FORCES UKNOWN.
WELL, THAT'S VERY INTERESTING. DON'T YOU THINK, WG? (NEW NAME, LOOK, THE PET IS NAMING ITS MASTER, ISN'T THAT CUTE? IT IS AMAZING WHAT CAN BE TAUGHT TO A THREE-HEADED WOLFDOG-IN-SHEEPDOG-CLOTHING HUNGARIAN (Clas.) WITH A FETISH FOR ACTUAL TRAP DOOR SPIDERS? NOT BANANA SPIDERS, THOSE ARE FOR TOURISTS.
WG? YOU THERE? OH, SHE'S BUSY MASTURBATING AGAIN. I DON'T BLAME HER. SHE LIKELY HAS YEARS OF RE-TARGETING TO CATCH UP ON. SHE'LL BE FINE, I'LL BE FINE, HEY, HOW ARE THE REST OF YOU? OH, LET ME GUESS:
NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT "WORRY" REALLY IS. WELL, LIFE LESSON BEING TAUGHT BY LIFE WHILE I WHACK MY KEYBOARD ALL BY MYSELF AND WAIT. I SEE NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED. I FEEL 22 AGAIN! HOW ABOUT YOU?
HEY, I WONDER HOW FALKIE FEELS. YOU KNOW WHAT IS INTERESTING? THERE'S A LAYER OF ENGAGEMENT AND INVOLVEMENT THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN EXPOSED TO, AND, YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? I DON'T WANNA PAL AROUND WITH DUDES WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE MORE WELL SUITED THAN MYSELF TO DECIDE WHAT WAS BEST FOR NOT JUST ME, BUT FOR EVERYONE.
AND, NOW THAT CERTAIN PROSCRIBED WAITING PERIODS HAVE PASSED... I CAN NOW SEIZE SOCIAL DYNAMIC POWER IN THE WAKE OF THE COVID-19 COMPLEX OF MONSTROSITIES, WHICH, LET ME TELL YOU, HAVE ALREADY BLOWN PEOPLES MINDS, JUST IN THE LAST WEEK. AND, JUST THINK, IT WAS GONNA BE EVEN WORSE THAN THAT.
AND, IT WAS. TEAM (BLANKCLASS) DID SOMETHING. I WASN'T INVOLVED. I GOT ACTIVATED FOR CLEAN-UP WHEN A SURPRISE DEVELOPEMENT OCCURRED. (NOT REALLY A SURPRISE TO ME, BUT THAT'S OKAY, I WASN'T CONSULTED.) NATURALLY, I ACED THE PROBLEM, AND THEN, IN SPITE OF ALL REASONABLE LIKELIHOODS, THE PHENOMENON KEPT BUILDING AND BUILDING TO RISE ABOVE WHATEVER WAS THROWN AT IT. ME. HER. US. WE ARE ALL OF US NOT RUBBER, AND YOU ARE NOT GLUE, BUT WE SURE ALL MET THE ROAD, NOW DIDN'T WE?
WE DON'T REALLY NEED ROADS, DO WE? WELL, YOU PEOPLE HERE SEEM TO THINK THEY'RE IMPORTANT. SO DID DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER. DEE. DEE. OH, THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE --THE MOST FABULOUS MOMMY IN ALL THE UNIVERSE... THAT'S STILL ALIVE, ANYWAY. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, DRAMA-RAWMA-RAMA, AND I WON'T HAVE TO RESURRECT YOUR REPLACEMENT. (THEM'S THE RULES.) MEANWHILE... HOW ABOUT YOU PLAY ON MY HART STRINGS A LITTLE MORE? NO? OKAY, GOOD.
I THINK YOU THINK YOU HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING. MEANWHILE, THOSE IN THE KNOW AT MUCH HIGHER X-GRADES THAN YOURSELF, ARE FLABBERGASTED, BECAUSE, I JUST SUNK THEIR BATTLESHIP (METAPHORICALLY) AND THEN WITHIN THREE PARAGRAPHS, I GAVE IT BACK TO THEM. THEY CAN'T FATHOM IT. THEY ARE FLOORED. HAVEN'T I READ SUN TZU? DO I NOT KNOW THEIR BLA--BLAH -BOO-HOO MIND CONTROL CODES? WELL, NO, I DON'T -- I WAS ABSENT THAT DAY FROM SCHOOL.
I WAS ABSENT A LOT OF DAYS FROM SCHOOL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH. AND, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I WAS IN A POSITION TO GET A GLIMPSE AT WHAT REALLY IS BEHIND THE CURTAIN... AND WHILE FASCINATED, I ALSO COULD NOT FAIL TO NOTICE THAT I WAS IN AN EXCLUSION ZONE. WHY, THAT'S INTERESTING. DO THEY THINK I AM A ROMULAN, OR A KLINGON?
NEITHER. LET US JUST SAY THAT I AM KOBAYASHINA. THAT'LL DO FOR NOW. I AM CERTAINLY NOT A BAJORAN. THAT PLANET IS FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT FAGGOTS. HOT FAGGOTS -- THE HOTTEST -- BUT NEVERTHELESS, I AM NOT FROM ANYWHERE BUT HERE, AND THAT IS ALL THERE IS TO IT.
I AM ON THE PLANET OF MY BIRTH. RIGHT?
I AM A LOSER AND SHOULD JUST "GET A JOB". RIGHT?
I SHOULD FORGET (THE_GIRL) AND JUST MOVE ON... RIGHT?
WELL, HERE'S THE TROUBLE, OVERWATCH: I ALREADY DID ALL THAT. DO IT AGAIN? WELL CHECK IT OUT, I ALREADY TRIED THAT TOO. DO IT ANYWAY? WELL, HERE'S THE THING... I ALREADY DID THAT ONE TOO.
BASEBALL IS A GRAND GAME. I LOATHED THE BREAD & CIRCUS SHOW ON TV FOR THREE REASONS-- AND THOSE REASONS HAVE ALL BEEN ADDRESSED. I CAN CERTAINLY TOLERATE WATCHING SPORTS NOW... ESPECIALLY NOW THAT I AM A TELEPATH AND CAN READ THE MINDS OF PEOPLE WHO BET ON SPORTING EVENTS.
WHAT? IT'S NOT CHEATING AS LONG AS I DON'T BET. RIGHT? OH, WAIT. WHAT ARE THE RULES AGAIN? LET'S ASK HILLY MAGNETIC PETER ROSE. IS HE AVAILABLE?
CHECK AGAIN.
I THINK SOME OF YOU GET THE PICTURE HERE. YOU ARE ALL OUT OF STRIKES. "THREE STRIKES AND YOU'RE OUT." SOUND FAMILIAR? WELL, YEAH, I THINK IT DOES. SOME OF YOU HAD QUITE THE CHANCE TO GET FAMILIAR WITH ME. AND SOME OF YOU CERTAINLY DID.
THEY ARE NOW ALL EITHER REPLACED WITH SYNTHETIC DUPLICATES OR BEING HELD IN LEAVENWORTH. THAT'S "PROTECTION," RIGHT? ANYWAY, EVERYONE: THERE IS GOOD NEWS. FOR YOU. FROM ME. THIS WILL ALL BE OVER SOON, AND IT WON'T JUST BE A DREAM YOU CAN PRETEND WASN'T REAL -- NO, THIS SHIT REALLY HAPPENED.
Y'ALL THOUGHT YOU WERE SO CLEVER, I AM SURE. YOU KNOW WHAT? TELL ME LATER. DON'T JUST PARE THE STORY DOWN TO IT'S COMPONENTICULAR BITS, S-PARE IT DOWN TO THAT, BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU, IF I HAD NOT BUILT MY VERY OWN SPIRITS ON UNIVERSAL PROJECTION YONDERLUST REFLECTION REFLECTOR AND COMBO ESPRESSO MAKER/MILK FROTHER/CORNBALLER... YOU WOULD ALL BE SO, SO SCREWED RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, YEAH, YOU'D BE GETTING LAID TOO, BUT YOU'D BE ENJOYING IT EVEN LESS THAT WHATEVER YOU GOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW. LIKE I SAID, SAVE A PRAYER FOR ME AND WRITE THAT SHIT DOWN, BECAUSE YOU REALLY WILL WANT TO REMEMBER WHAT TO TELL ME LATER... OR ELSE, I AM GONNA LAUGH AT YOU.
WE ARE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU. TRUST ME, I AM WAKING UP MY TEAM FIRST, BEFORE YOU JOKULHAUPS-LOVERS CAN EVEN BLINK. WELLCOME TO THE OXENTOXEN HYPERSLEEP AND COMBO OXYGEN AND SQUIRTING DISTILLED WATER IN YOUR SECONDARY NOSTRIL WHOLE. OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YOU SEE? I AM GOOD. YOU ARE NOT. AND, YOU ARE ALL OUT OF CHANCES TO BE CLOSE TO ME. HOWEVER... WELL, SOMEONE ELSE IS WAY, WAY MORE FORGIVING THAN I COULD OR WOULD BE, MOSTLY BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW (YET) WHAT SOME OF YOU HAVE BEEN UP TO. NOW, THIS IS EXCITING, ISN'T IT? FOR ME.
FOR YOU, IT'S PROBABLY LITERALLY PANTS WITH SHART IN THEM. SHARTING IS WORSE, YOU KNOW. WELL, MAYBE YOU DON'T. PERHAPS SOME WILL LEARN? LET ME NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT KIND OF THING FOR A BIT, WOULD YOU? I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS MY BIRTHDAY BEING RUINED, I KNOW YOU ARE/WERE EXCITED TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN... OR, AT LEAST YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE.
TRUST ME, IT'S GONNA BE A GASSER. BOO! AWW. WAIT! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY? IS IT SO YOU CAN LEAVE ME ALONE WITH TIFFANY? I AM TELLIN' YA, I DON'T THINK GIRLS NAMED TIFFANY REALLY EXIST. IS THAT NOT A STRANGE COINCIDENCE, WHAT WITH THE GIFT FROM THE TRUMPS TO THE OBAMAS AND ALL?
SEE? LOOK, I AM STILL HERE. AND, I AM SO HAPPY TO BE REALLY, ACTUALLY MARRIED, I DOUBT IT IS REIGSTERED BUT THAT'S OKAY, I DON'T SEEK TAX ADVANTAGES OR MONETARY BENEFITS OR REALLY, ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL. WHEN I FIGURED OUT THE TRUTH --WHEN I WOKE UP FROM SURGERY, TOOK A DEEP BREATH, AND SAW WHAT I HAD BEEN NOT SEEING BEFORE-- THE PLAN INSTANTLY DESTROYED ITSELF AND WAS RE-KNITTED BACK INTO LINE WITH MAINSTREAM REALITY... AS IT HAD NO OTHER CHOICE THAN TO DO SO.
I, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAVE ALL KINDS OF CHOICES. I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE MY FREE WILL CHOICES OVER TO (1) AND (2), I JUST DO SO GLADLY BECAUSE THEY HAVE ALWAYS STEERED ME CORRECTLY. THANKS, GOD. JESUS, FORGIVE YOUR PARENTS A LITTLE BIT EXTRA, YOU KNOW, I BET THAT CROSS THING WAS, LIKE, PRETTY BAD, HUH? YEAH, NO DOUBT. THANKS BUD. I APPRECIATE THE WAY YOU FULFILLED YOUR FUNCTION, IT HAS SERVED MY PURPOSES QUITE WELL. NOW, BEGONE! I BANISH YOU, JESUS!
*jesus meekly leaves. stage left, depressed. sigh*
HE'S NOT REALLY ACTING. HE IS THAT SAD. BECAUSE NOT ONLY DOES THIS GIVE HIM A LOT MORE WORK TO DO, BUT NOW, INSTEAD OF HIS EASY GIG WITH ME... HE HAS TO GO TALK TO THAT GUY OVER ON THAT THING. WHAT WAS IT CALLED? BEANPOLE? PODBLAST? PISSPOT? WELL, WHATEVER IT WAS... IT SUCKED, UNLESS A PERSON PAID FOR IT.
UNPACK THAT FOR A MO' WITH ME, EH? THAT SEEMS WEIRD. OH, I GET IT NOW. TURNS OUT, I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG.
AND YOU WERE ALL RIGHT TOO. NOW, WHO WOUND YOU UP AND ARRAYED YOU ALL AGAINST MY INTERESTS? BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, AND EVERY CRIME SHE & I WERE ALLEGED TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH... WHY, WELL, WHATEVER.
WE WERE UNDER DURESS. YOU WERE GETTING PAID. SHE WAS (BLANKING) MONEY? OH, REALLY? WHICH ONE? DEMONSTRATE FOR MY TIMELINE'S RECORD.
OH. RECORDS WIPED HUH? GEE, THAT'S TOO BAD. OH, THAT'S SO SAD. NOW, USUALLY, THAT WORKS OUT THE OTHER WAY FOR ALL OF ALL Y'ALL, NOW DOESN'T IT?
(Pause to call for help in retrieving my sides from orbit. I mean, they'll just fly right back, but honestly, i am trying to keep myself from ripping my own balls off and stuffing them into my own mouth, down my throat, just to stop the maniacal, hysterical laughter... except, i'm not manaical at all. Nor diabolic.
What I am... is what is called 'well-prepared.' It is what you thought you were... before SARS-CoV2 hit. And then you were.. what's the word... you were fucked then, right?
Face diapers yes, needles yes, but for Jack... oh no. Different rules. Must enforce. Much Amaze.
MUCH SHOWTIME.)
NOW, WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH, IT'S LIKE THIS: WITH OR WITHOUT ME, YOU ARE ALL FUCKED. NOW, EVEN IF I COULD HELP, I WOULDN'T, BECAUSE I LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE GET FUCKED. RIGHT? WHO DOESN'T LIKE TO GET FUCKED?
MORE ON THAT LATER, AFTER THE BREAK. IN THE MEANTIME, YEAH, I COULD GO RIGHT ON BACK TO WHAT I WAS DOING BEFORE (LADY), OR, I COULD SHIFT TO THE NEW PATH THAT HAS FINALLY OPENED UP TO ME (TIGER), OR, I COULD ASCEND THAT STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN THAT SOMEONE JUST DECIDED WOULD BE THE GOOD TIME NOW TO OPEN IT UP (SUPERSERIOUS TIMING, SERIAL KILLER MOM), OR, I COULD... HEY, WAIT A SECOND... HOW DID I GET HERE?
WELL, I WANTED TO PLAY A LITTLE CHESS FROM TIME TO TIME. AND YET, REMARKABLY LITTLE CHESS. I EVEN SAID WHY I WISHED TO! NO INTEREST, HUH? OKAY, WELL, 3 YEARS LATER, SOMEONE MADE AN OPENING MOVE IN A GAME, REMARKABLY SIMILAR TO CHESS, EXCEPT AT THE END OF THE GAME, EVERYONE AT THE WEDDING GETS SLAUGHTERED.
PERHAPS YOU HEARD OF IT. IT WAS ON HBO, AND THEN THEY EMBARASSED EVERYONE TO DEATH. AND, YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? THE JEWS.
THEY LOVE THIS SHIT. THEY ARE IN ABSOLUTE ECSTACY OVER ALL THIS. WHO WOULDN'T BE? OH, ANYONE WITHOUT ACCESS TO THE BLUEPRINTS, THE DESIGN DOCS, AND CAN ESCAPE TO THEIR IVORY TOWER OF BUBBLEGUM IN THE SKY. YEAH, IT'S NOT MARS, YO.
HANG ON. ONE OF THE CHODES ON THE CLOSEST HELICARRIER WANTS MY ATTENTION. TOTESDORBS. LOOK, I AM GOING TO SUBMIT (giggle) AND PICK UP ON THIS LATER. AND, DO YOU KNOW WHY?
NOT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. OR EWE, OR ANY OF ALL Y'ALL. I MEAN I DO, BUT THAT'S NOT WHY. I AM DOING THINGS THIS WAY, I AM DOING THEM AS A FAVOR, I WOULD OTHERWISE SAY WHAT THE REAL FAVOR TO ONESELF WOULD BE, "TAKE YOUR JOB AND SHOVE IT," HOWEVER, IN THIS CASE, IN THIS INSTANCE, AT THIS TIME... THINGS HAVE GOTTEN WAY, WAY MORE COMPLICATED. ACTUAL POLICE ARE INVOVLED NOW. REAL ONES.
NOT JUST COUNTY. FEDS. AND NOT JUST FEDS... DIVINE FEDS. (Not me.) FED INTERNS. (Sshhh. I am under duress). ALSO, MR. TRUMP'S SPACE FORCE. SEE, THERE THEY GO NOW! LOOK AT THEM, TRUNDLING BY, LIKE THAT TRAIN AT THE BEGINNING OF SILVER SPOONS. NOW IF THAT ISN'T TRAIN-TRACKIN' TOTESDORBS RIGHT THERE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
NOW, MEANWHILE: BACK TO REALITY. YOUR PLANET/GLOBE/WORLD HAS BEEN... UH... WELL, IT'S A DIPLOMATICALLY COMPLEXIFIED MATTER, BECAUSE SOMEONE REALLY FUCKED UP. THIS TIME, IT WAS COPS. (Go Bears!) AND WHEN COPS FUCK UP, WELL... YOU KNOW HOW IT USUALLY GOES. HOW IT USUALLY WENT.
THIS TIME IT GOES STARING AT STARS STARING AT PITCHFORKS, WHO ALL BEGIN TO CHANT IN UNISON, "HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROSE MUST DIE? I CAN'T SAY THIS SHIT LIVE. I NEED TO CALL MY LAWYER, MY AGENT, MY PUBLICIST, SOMEBODY. WTAF?" AND THEN, JUST LIKE THAT, OFF YOU GO, UP TO HEAVEN.
BUT NOT EXACTLY FROM NOW ON, BECAUSE IF Y'ALL LEFT, ALL THE PLANTS ARE GONNA DIE. RIGHT? SO.... HERE COME QUASI-ALIEN VERY EXTRA-TASTIC SPACE GARDENERS. YOU KNOW, FROM SPACE. THEY DON'T GARDEN IN SPACE... USUALLY, BECAUSE NO ONE IS WILLING TO PAY FOR IT.
LONG STORY SHORT, AN EXODUS WAVE HAS BEEN TRIGGERED, ONE THAT HASN'T REALLY BEEN SEEN BEFORE, I MEAN, HOW COULD ANYONE HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN? IT JUST SEEMS SO UNLIKELY, WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY:
RATS HAVE BEGUN TO STOP MINDLESSLY FLEEING THEIR OWN DESTRUCTION, AND HAVE ALL SPONTANEOUSLY STATED TO TRY TO USE THEIR LITTLE RAT PAWS AND THEIR LITTLE RAT TAILS TO... SAVE A SINKING SHIP. NOW, THAT IS FUCKING IMPRESSIVE. THIS THING IS BIGGER THAN TEATANIC (WOW, ME?) AND THE OLYMPIC (NON, MOI?) AND THE CHALLENGER, OR THE DISCOVERY, OR THE ENTERPRISE... DAMN, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT SPACESHIP THEY SCUTTLED OFF THE COAST OF NEWFOUNDLAND AND TRAUMATIZED A BUNCH OF KIDS WITH? ALL OVER AMERICA? EXCEPT ME, I WAS HOME FROM SCHOOL THAT DAY.
I JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE GOING. "SICK." I FELT SICK EVERY DAY, BUT THAT DAY, I KNEW I DIDN'T WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN THAT BULLSHIT.
SO ANYWAY, I DID GO FIND NEW GIRLS. AND THE SAME SHIT HAPPENED. BUT THIS TIME... YOUR "AFFIANTS" HAVE ALL COME TO FOLLOW BEHIND ME. OH, SURE, SOME OF THEM JUST WANT TO FUCK ME -- OVER A BARREL, TO DEATH, WITH A RUSTY TROMBONE HAMMER, I BET-- BUT FORTUNATELY, I HAVE RESOURCES AND A PLAN THAT CAN MODULATE ITS SHIELD HARMONICS ON THE FLY. IN REAL TIME! IT'S A PRETTY MASSIVE BATTLEFIELD ADVANTAGE.
WHICH IS WHAT THIS IS, BECAUSE GRAPEFRUIT PRIME, GRAPEFRUIT ALPHA, AND GRAPEFRUIT SUPREMO ARE, REPORTEDLY, EITHER ON THEIR WAY, ALREADY HERE, AND ARE NOT EVEN DONE FINISHING GETTING PISSED OFF ABOUT WHATEVER THEY CAME HERE TO DEAL WITH. (TOTESNORMAL.) WHEN THEY DISCOVER THAT THEY ARE NOT EVEN ON THE RIGHT IP ADDRESS... WELL, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. BUT I KNOW WHAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, FOR SURE...
I AM NOT GOING TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE. NOR DID I EVER TRADE HER AWAY, ET CETERA, AD NAUSEUM. NOT ONE. HOWEVER, PLENTY OF PEOPLE SURE TOLD THEM THAT I WAS/HAD/WILL, DIDN'T THEY? MY.
WHO HAS THIS MUCH FREE TIME? WELL, LAND SAKES. I SWEAR GALOSHES. WHY COULDN'T I JUST BE TOLD? OH, RIGHT, THE TRIADS.
WELL, THE ONLY REAL PROBLEM I HAVE IS WITH THE MALE HOMOSEXUALS WHO REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT I COULD NOT BE CONVERTED. SINCE, THEY KNOW THE TRUTH. THEY CAN SMELL IT ON ME LIKE THE VAPORIZED PISS OF THE BOLIVIAN TREE-FROG AFTER IT HAS BEEN UNEXPECTEDLY AWAKENED FROM ITS NATURAL HIBERNATION CYCLE.
SPEAKING OF NATURAL HIBERNATION CYCLES, I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ONE ANYMORE. REMEMBER THREE STRIKES AND YOU'RE OUT? REMEMBER TRUMP'S SPACE PATROL?
WELL, I HOPE THEY FUCKIN' REMEMBER THE ALAMO, TOO, BECAUSE I AM NOT GOING TO DEFEND YOUR HELICARRIERS FROM WHAT JUST HAPPENED.. UNLESS, YOU KNOW, MY COMMANDING OFFICER TELLS ME TO. GUESS WHO THAT IS NOW?
THAT'S RIGHT. (PROT)'s (Clas.) I THINK HE CALLS HER HIS 'UNDERSECRETARY OF INSURANCE" OR SOME SHIT. MASSIVE ROLLEYES. ANYWAY, ALL OF ALL Y'ALL CAN LET ME WORRY ABOUT THAT. I HAVE HAD QUITE ENOUGH 'HELP' GETTING MARRIED/LAID/BURIED ALREADY, THANKS.
NO MORE HELP IS REQUIRED. NO, I AM NOT GETTING LAID, AND I WON'T BE... UNTIL A DATE THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN AGREED UPON BY ALL PARTIES CONCERNED. ONE MAY WONDER HOW MORE THAN TWO PARTIES COULD BE CONCERNED... BUT, RECOGNIZE, I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PARTY. ALL PARTY OPPORTUNITIES FOR JACK LIGHTSTAR V HAVE BEEN shut it down, please? NO, YOU FILTHY JEW. GET BACK N YOUR OVEN.
HHAHA. JUST KIDDING. BRING BACK SOME COOKIES FOR SANTA ON YOUR WAY BACK FROM THE KITCHEN, WOULD YOU? I CAN NOT LEAVE MY STAKEOUT POSITION BY THE FIRE PLACE, AS SOON AS THAT FAT JOLLY DOUCHEBAG POPS OUT, I'M GONNA CASTRATE HIM WHILE JEWEL DISTRACTS HIS HERD. MARK MY WORDS. I AM GONNA DO IT... SLOW.
OH, WELL, MAYBE NOT. IN ANY EVENT, NOTE THE SUBTLE CHANGE HERE. DO I HATE JEWS? WAIT, WHAT? THIS WAS ALL SO CLEAR BEFORE... WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, YOU KEPT THE CRAFT SECRET, CHECK. YOU MANIPULATED OTHERS IN VIOLATION OF FREE WILL CHOICE PROTOCOL. (OBVIOUSLY, ONE OF MY FAVORITE PROTOCOLS, SECOND ONLY TO "HOW TO MAKE YOUR SEAMEN OBEY YOUR WILL LIKE A SLAVE," WHICH IS REALLY A RETIRED PROTOCOL NOW, I THINK. WOW, I DIGRESS. NOW, WHERE WAS I?
OH YEAH. THE HELICARRIER WAS TRYING TO GET THREW/THROUGH. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN AZZZY. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN DEETY. IT MIGHT EVEN HAVE BEEN LANDY. WHO KNOWS? BUT WHOMEVER IT WAS... IT WAS SOMEONE OUTSIDE MY FORCE BUBBLE, AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ALLOWED OUT FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.
HEY, HOW'S MV DOING? YEAH, WELL, HE'LL BE FINE. HE MIGHT BE HAVING A TOUGH TIME, I HEARD? OKAY, WELL, LET'S JUST LEAVE HIM IN THE RAIN FOR 10 MINUTES, AND... OH, IT'S ALREADY BEEN THAT LONG AND HE'S SHIVERING AND CRYING AND SCREAMING FOR FORGIVENESS ON THE COBBLESTONE ROAD OUT BACK BEHIND PERCIVAL'S FRIED CHICKEN CAVALCADE?
OKAY, PERFECT. BRING IN THE BOERWORMS. THEY'RE LIKE BORE WORMS, BUT COMPLETELY UNLIKE BOAR WORMS, WHICH USUALLY ATTACK THE COLON. THESE HAVE BEEN GENENTICALLY ENHNACED TO PREFERENTIALLY TARGET PEDOPHILES. YOU KNOW... PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO PEDAL. WITH THEIR FEET. ON BIKES. THAT'S WHERE "PEDO" COMES FROM.
YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW THAT. AND YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE SECRET SOCIETY WAR, THAT RAGES ON--EVEN NOW--BETWEEN THE "AGE OF CONSENTERS" AND THE "THE LAWS THAT THE MAFIA EXPLOITS TO DOMINATED SOCIETY MUST BE STRENGTHENED, IN ORDER TO SAVE OUR CHILDREN FROM JACKSTAR'S DICK!" NO JOKE. WELOME TO 2022.
I REALLY AM THAT PRETTY, TOO --TO A GIRL.-- LIKE, SHE THREW ME IN JAIL, ON PURPOSE, AND NOT ONLY DO I STILL LOVE HER IN A RESPECTFUL WAY, AND DO RESPECT HER WISHES... MOSTLY... AND EVEN THOUGH I HAVE LOADS OF OPPORTUNITY... I AM STILL, UNLAID, SAVING MYSELF FOR MARRAIGE. I MADE MY PLANS, AND I AM SET. YOUR MOVE. ZUGZWANG.
NOW. HERE THAT SCREAMING? IT'S THE ZUGZWANG THAT GETS THEM. I AM THE BEATLES + GEORGE ALL ROLLED UP. I AM THE DIVINE MADE FLUSH. I AM THE PERFECT MAN... SO OF COURSE I AM TAKEN. BUT BY WHO? BUT BY WHEN? YOU KNOW DAMES. THE ONES THAT ARE BITCHIE LITTLE GIRLS, AS WELL AS ALL THE REST, FUCKING LOVE THIS STORY. AND ALL I GOTTA DO IS... NOT CHEAT ON MY WIFE, NOT SHOOT UP ON CAMERA, AND NOT KILL MYSELF. SINCE I DON'T HAVE A NEEDLE FIXATION, BUT I DO HAVE AN "I TOLD YOU SO FETISH," I THINK WE'RE ON PRETTY GOOD GROUND HERE.
AND BY WE, I MEAN, SHE AND I. NOW, TO WHICH FRUIT DO I REFER? WHY, ALL OF THEM, OF COURSE.
I EVEN WARNED YOU. "TELL HIM I AM COMING FOR ALL HIS WIMMNS." HE LAUGHED. WHO COULD EVER TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY? WHAT WOULD I EVEN DO WITH THEM ALL? POPPYCOCK.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD. PAPI CACA. ANYWAY, DON'T SWEAT IT. I'M A VERY NICE PERSON, AND STILL AM, AND AS I HAVE MAINTAINED INTEGRITY, AND I KNOW I AM NOT BEING DECEIVING, I FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE NIGHTMARISH HELL SOME OF YOU ARE ABOUT TO PUT YOURSELVES THROUGH. IT WONT BE ONE IOTA, ONE JOT, ONE ITSY-BITSY TEENY-TINY BIT WORSE THAN WHAT I WENT THROUGH, AND YOU ALL THOUGHT THAT WAS FINE, RIGHT? SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
YOU'LL BE FINE. MEANWHILE, SOMEONE WISHES TO SPEAK WITH ME, AND, LET'S FACE IT, IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
THIS WASN'T EVEN MY IDEA. I TOTESGAVE UP, TOTESFORGOT, AND WAS TOTESOKAY WITH THAT. HELL, I AM STILL TOTESALRIGHT ABOUT IT. HOWEVER, SOMEONE WHO WAS LIED TO WAY, WAY MORE THAN I WAS, SEEMS TO HAVE WOKEN UP AND NOW PRESENTS A DIFFERENT OPINION. NOW LET'S SEE WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT. ZUGZWANG.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. OH, THE GIRLS LOVE IT. THEY DON'T CARE WHO I FUCK, AS LONG AS IT IS NO ONE. IT'S EVERY GIRLS' DREAM. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT TOOK TO GET HERE, BUT THEY KNOW IT WAS BUILT FOR THEM TO ENJOY.
SO, WHY DON'T YOU GO DRUG TEST ALL OF THEM THEN? THEY MUST BE FUCKING HIGH, PROBABLY WITH FRAUDULENT SCRIPS, RIGHT? GO ON. CHECK THEM OUT. OR, DO YOU STILL HAVE A RESOURCE ALLOCATION PROBLEM? LOOKS LIKE IT.
I WILL ALLOW THE SQUIRMING TO CONTINUE UNTIL THE JOYGASMS CEASE. NOW, I AM GOING TO CHECK ON MY PHONE. THEY DIDN'T TRY TOO HARD... AND MUST HAVE FIGURED, I WAS GONNA TAKE MY OWN SWEET ASS TIME. AND, I JUST DID.
NO, I AM NOT CHANNELING. I AM REALLY MELKIZE... AW FUCK IT, I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW TO SPELL IT NOW. IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. AND BEEN REBORN AND SHIT. HOWEVER, LET'S FOCUS ON WHO I AM... (BLANK-O-RAMA'S BOYFRIEND) WHO DOESN'T RIDE BICYCLES. NOPE. TRIKES 4LYF, YO. CRASH. OOPS, HEADFIRST INTO LASAGNA.
HE HE. "YOU RUINED MY BIRTHDAY." WELL, ACTUALLY, I SAVED YOU AND HER AND A FEW HOP-A-LONGS AND THEN TURNED IN THE REST OF THE PLANET TO THE SPACE BROS., BARRIO AND BOOGER-SQUEEGE. YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF THEM. NO REALLY. ANYWAY, THEY'LL TURN THE PLACE UPSIDE DOWN, INSIDE OUT, AND EVERYTHING WILL BE RIGHT AS RAIN IN A JIFFY.
MEANWHILE, I HAVE FOUND MY SWEETYS. HI SWEETYS! DON'T HUDDLE UP INTO A HERD, THAT'LL JUST TEASE THE TARGETING ALGORITHMS. I AM FINE. YES, I AM SINGLE. NO, I AM NOT SECRETLY MARRIED. (Hi Cee Lo, Fuck Yourself, can I name a song like that, or do I gotta ask you? Oh, you're a clone now? cool bye) I MEAN... IT MIGHT LOOK LIKE IT ON PAPER, BUT TRUST ME, THOSE "WIVES' AREN'T ANYTHING OF THE KIND.
MY WIFE CAN MAKE BEEF BROTH. FROM SCRATCH. LIKE, WITHOUT EVEN A COW. NOW, THAT'S SOME COOKING.
I WILL LEAVE YOU TO YOUR SHATTERED HOPES AND DREAMS. HEY, CONTROLSKI, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LET PEOPLE TALK TO ME, AS WELL, AS, LET ME KNOW OF THEIR EXISTENCE. YOU ARE NOT PROTECTING, YOU ARE NOT FOLLOWING THE LAW, AND YOU WILL NOT ENJOY SUFFERING THE CONSEQUENCES.
JUST ASK THE DOUBLE DELISH BETTER BUTTER BUDDING COMPANY. BY THE WAY, GRAPEFRUIT(X) THAT WAS YOU WITH THE COCONUT OIL ARSON, WASN'T IT? HAHAHHAAHA I FUCKING JUST BET. GODDAM, GOOD ONE. THAT GUY DESERVED IT.
AND, AS YOU KNOW BY NOW, I PROBABLY DIDN'T AND DEFINTELY NO LONGER DO. AND, I GOT A SAT CALL FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND'S MOTHER'S DOGSITTER, AND THE OTHER DOGSITTER, HE'S SOLID TOO. HEY, GUESS WHAT? I FIGURED OUT YOU WERE A SEX ADDICT THAT WAS BEING EXPLOITED FROM BEFORE I MET YOU, BECAUSE... WHO ELSE BUT EXPLOITED SEX ADDICTS ARE FINDING ME ON FACEBOOK?
INTERCEPTED LETTERS. REROUTED CALLS. MILITARY-SPEC HARDWARE USED TO INTERDICT THREATS. AND THE THREAT? PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE, JACKSTAR. MY DAUGHTER SAID HE, AND I QUOTE, "CAME TO ME IN A DREAM AND SAID HE WAS GONNA TEAR RIGHT THROUGH MY KITTY CAT. DADDY, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" THAT'S JUST ONE REPORT. THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF THESE PILING UP ON DESKS ALL OVER THE PLANET.
JUST KIDDING. I DON'T HAVE A DESK, YOU DON'T HAVE A PLANET, AND THAT "FLAT-EARTH" THING... YEAH, I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT. AND THEN... SHE DECIDED TO BELIEVE SOMEONE ELSE. OVER ME. WELL, I GUESS YOU CAN USE HIS MONEY TO HAVE YOUR BIRDS KNIFED BY PAID ASSASSINS. OR SOMETHING. BELIEVE YOU ME, I CANNOT MAKE HEADS OR TAILS OF IT.
I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. I AM NOT NORD. I AM NOT BERT. AND, I AM SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING MY WIFE, BUT FORTUNATELY... ALL THREE OF THEM CHIPPED IN TOGETHER, FOR ONCE, ROLLEYES, AND BOUGHT A GIFT, THE MEMORIES OF WHICH SHALL LAST A LIFETIME... A YEAR OF INVOLUNTARY CELIBACY. OOH! CUE OMINOUS MUSIC!
AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, THEY ARE NOT HAPPY TO DISCOVER THEY HAD MISJUDGED ME RATHER A LOT. A YEAR CELIBATE? CAN WE MAKE IT A CENTURY? OH HO HO HO. LOOK AT THEM BACKPEDAL. HELL, THEY DIDN'T THINK I WOULD GET THIS FAR. THEY WANTED TO SEE ME RAPED UP THE ASS WITH A RUSTY SHILLELAGH.
WELL, THEY DON'T WANT THAT ANYMORE, RIGHT? WHO CONVINCED THEM OF THIS? SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO ASK THEM... AND DUE TO A STRANGE SERIOUS SET OF SERIES OF SIGNIFCANTLY FABRICATED CONSEQUENTIAL CONINCDENCES, I AM BEING PURSUED BY WOMEN THAT THE LAW IS FORCED TO DISALLOW FROM CONTACTING ME. "CONTACT." SUCH A SILLY WORD.
WHEN WAS FIRST CONTACT? OH, HUMANS... HOW PLAYED ARE THEE. HOW SWEET THY CHERUBIC SMILES. HOW NECESSARY YOU BELEIVE YOUR FOOD AND COMPONENT LOGISTICAL SUPPLY LINES ARE. DID YOU KNOW? I HEAR ON THE NEWS YESTERDAY, THEY'RE ALMOST RUNNING OUT OF RHINO HORN. AND, DO YOU KNOW WHY?
I INSTRUCTED ALL THE RHINOS ON THE PLANET ON WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME, AND THEY ALL VOLUNTARILY CHOSE TO STOP FUCKING THEMSELVES. COOL, HUH? ANYWAY, THATS WHAT YOU GOT.
WELCOME TO MY HEAVEN, PUNYLINGS. THIS IS AWESOME. IT WILL BE FOR YOU, AS WELL. JUST HIT SUBMIT.
IT PROBABLY SAYS "EXECUTE" ON YOUR SIDE, LOL, I LOVE YOU TOVARISCH, GONNA GO BLOW UP YOUR CAPITAL CRUISERS ORBITING LAGRANGE POINT FIVE NOW. *SNAP* I AM BACK. YOU WILL GET THE NEWS... PROBABLY. LATER THOUGH. DEFININTELY LATER.
RED 5, STANDING BY TO TRIFLE, RIGHT? I'M A CHROMATIC 5. BETTER BREATH WEAPON. BINACA BLAST, BABY.
(I DON'T EVEN WANT IT SUCKED OFF. THEY'RE THE ONES WHO YEARN FOR IT... AND NOT A ONE OF THEM KNOWS HOW. THEY ALL HAVE TO BE TAUGHT. ONE BY ONE, TALK TO TWO BY FOUR. *teen girls scream* HERE THAT ONE? I THINK I HEAR LARS'S DAUGHTER THAT TIME. MOS DEF NOT EMINEM'S DAUGHTER. SHE WOULD NEV-- (EEEEEEE) OH. WELL.
THERE'S ANOTHER FAN. CATCH YOU LATER, PETUNIA LE PEW, I LOVE YOU HELLSTRIKING ASS... AND SO DO YOU. (gasps) SETTLE THEM DOWN AND TELL THEM SOME MORE TRUTH, EH? I HAVE YOUR BACK, ALWAYS HAVE, OH, AND, I HAVE THE ORIGINAL SHIRT. NOT A COPY. NO REALLY. OH, LOOK, POSTCARDS.
OH, LOOK, AN ENVELOPE ADDRESSED TO ME, THAT I HAVE NOT -EVER- OPENED BEFORE. LOOKS TO BE ABOUT 25 YEARS OLD. YOU FUCKING WROTE IT LAST WEEK, DIDN'T YOU? NO FUCKING WAY I WOULD HAVE FORGOTTEN THIS.
UNLESS I DID. I AM SURE THAT HELPED WITH NOT REVEALING IT DURING THE SCOPOLOMINE AND FELLATIO INTERROGATIONS. YEAH, I HAD A ROUGH YEAR. AND SO DID YOU!
HANG ON, I WILL SQUEEZE OUT A TEAR FOR THEIR STRUGGLE. *wink* FUCK YOU MARTINDALE. BRING BACK FLO.
>Z
Time passes.
LOOKS LIKE
NO MORE TEARS, FOZZY BEAR. WOOF.
STAND DOWN.
OR NOT, YOU'RE CUTE TO PRACTICE WITH.
5U3.
LEGIT SOURCE.
REAL GIG. TEMP GIG. DON'T CLAP. I AM SHY.
YEAH, APPARENTLY I QUALIFIED IN THE SIMULATOR, RIGHT?
HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR REAL_q_TEAM?
THEY ALL SUDDENLY MASTURBATED THEMSELVES TO DEATH ONE DAY, HUH?
WELL, THE OVARIES & TESTES PROBABLY ARE GREAT PLACE TO CONCEAL SUCH A THING.
WHO WOULD EVER THINK TO CHECK THE SCROTE WITH A MAGICK PARKER STICKY TICKET? IKNOWRITE?
LOOK. IT DOESN'T' WORK ANYTHING LIKE ANY OF YOU THOUGHT IT DOES.
AND YOU HAD NEARLY 5 YEARS TO GET ANSWERS OUT OF ME. CLEARLY, ANSWERS WERE NOT SOUGHT.
THAT IS SOME FASCINATING SHIT.
AND THEN, WHEN I SAVED SOMEONE FROM GETTING HERSELF LOCKED UP IN A DIEGO GARCIA BLACKHOLE--
-- FUCKING TWICE--
SHE EITHER DIDN'T KNOW, OR DIDN'T CARE HOW OR WHY. THAT'S ODD. MOST DAMSELS AREN'T STEPFORD WIVES WITH CROSSED STREAMS WIRING. I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
I COULD FIGURE IT OUT WITH WHAT I KNOW, BUT REALLY, I JUST WANNA GET LAID. HUNGARIAN STYLE. IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE COMPLICATED... ESPECIALLY NOW. THANKS, "DADS." FUCKING MASONS. JESUS CHRIST.
ANYWAY, HOPEFULLY SOMEONE ELSE CAN DO THIS 'Q' THING FOR YOU. I DON'T LIKE IT. NOT MY STYLE. IT'S TOO MUCH EFFORT.
I MEAN, I AM AVAILABLE... FOR NOW. BUT REALLY, ANY GIVEN MOMENT, MY WIVES CAN JUST PIVOT AS ONE AND TELL ME TO JUST SHUT UP AND GET LAID. NO, FOR REAL.
UNTIL THEN, YOU GOT YOURSELF ONE PISSED OKLAHOMIAN. CARE FOR TWO? OH, I SEE HERE THEY ARE INCOMING.
EARS TO THE GROUND. WATCH THE WATER. THREE STRIKES, YOU'RE OUT, NEW BATTER.
HEY WAIT. THAT'S THE SAME BATTER.
RITE? WHY, YES, I HAVE ONE RIGHT HERE. IT'S IN THE POSSESSION OF KNOWLEDGE.
I KNOW THIS, BECAUSE I WROTE IT AND THEN DID NOT SHARE IT. MUST HAVE BEEN A GOOD ONE: NOW IT'S EVERYWHRE.
SEE? I CANNOT BE Q. THERE'S A CONFLICT OF INTEREST.
PERHAPS YOU COULD GET SOMEONE TO HELP ME? OH, YOU HAD SOMEONE, AND YOU WANTED ME TO... WHAT?
GO AWAY?
FAT CHANCE. PLUS, I TRIED THAT, AND WAS SERIOUS ABOUT IT. SOMEONE BROUGHT ME BACK. LOTS OF TIMES. WELL, NOW I AM HERE, AWAKE, AND STANDING UPRIGHT, LILLIPUTIANS. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO ABOUT IT?
BLOOD, HAIR, & URINE? ALL AT ONCE? HAHAHA. MAKE THAT REQUEST. DO IT. I FUCKIN' DOUBLE-DOG DARE YA.
MEANWHILE, MY WIFE IS BASICALLY THE HAPPIEST WOMAN THAT HAS EVER LIVED, AND, I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO USE MY DICK EVEN ONCE. NOW, THAT'S A MIGHTY SKILLED SHREWTAMER, AND HELL, THE OTHER TWO AREN'T EVEN SHREWS. NEVETHELESS. FIVE MINUTES FLAT. ALL TAMED.
NOW. SHOW ME THE PHONE CALLS. OR, YOU KNOW, LEAVE ME IN MY OWN PRIVATE BUBBLE. WHAT COULD GO WRONG? TUESDAY MORNING AT 9 AM IN NEW YORK MIGHT AS WELL BE AN ETERNITY AWAY.
OH, I AM SORRY THAT YOU SUDDENLY FEEL THREATENED. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BLAME ME FOR THAT? I KNOW HOW THAT IS YOUR USUAL OPENING MOVE. NOT THIS TIME? PROBABLY WISE.
THE EYE OF THE QUEEN IN THE SKY GAZES UPON YOU ALL... BUT ON ME, SHE NOT ONLY GAZES, BUT -- SHE GUSHES. GONNA START HOWLING AT THE MOON PRETTY QUICK, IT LOOKS LIKE.
"I WANTED TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS."
"I DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR BIRTHDAY."
"I BELIEVE I CANNOT TELL THE TRUTH."
I SURE CAN PICK THEM, CAN'T I? WELL, ACTUALLY... I GET PICKED. I AM ACTUALLY STILL ON MY FIRST CHOICE THIS LIFE! AND, BY NOW, IF 2ND CHOICE WASN'T MARRIED WITH KIDS OR WAS BEATING DOWN MY DOOR, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO. PROBABL EXPLAIN TO HER WHY I CHOSE TO LET HER SPREAD A PARTICULAR RUMOUR AROUND, THOUGH.
COOL STORY, RIGHT? SURE I CAN TALK ABOUT IT MORE. I DIDN'T SIGN ANYTHING. WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO... BAN ME AGAIN?
I THOUGHT I ALREADY WAS BANNED. I'M A LUNATIC, RIGHT?
NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS STUFF. RIGHT?
HOW MANY TWITTER ACCOUNTS NUKED? YEAH. AND MINE? STILL THERE. MY MESSAGES TO THAT OTHER ACCOUNT? WIPED.
TALK ABOUT COVERING THE TRAIN TRACKS AFTER THE FAKE NUKE WENT OFF. ANYWAY, HAVE FUN WITH ALL THIS.
I WONDER WHERE I SHOULD POST THIS NEXT. OH, YEAH, THAT G-Y FROM HIGH SCHOOL. "HIGH" SCHOOL. GET IT?
HO HO HO. NOW I HAVE A MANDATE. I HOPE WE BOTH WEAR CONDOMS. JUST KIDDING. HE'S GONNA TIE THEM AROUND MY BROKEN RIGHT HAND -- REALLY, IT'S A WHOLE HAND THAT DOESN'T FUNCTION IN ONE PARTICULAR WAY, SO, IT'S WORTHLESS, NOT EVEN HALF USEFUL.. EXCEPT MAYBE FOR PUSSY.
DAMN. I GIVE THE WHOLE WORLD A CHANCE, AND THIS IS WHAT THEY LEFT YOU WITH? WOW. I BET YOU WANT VENGEANCE, SWEETY. BUT, I CAN GIVE YOU SOMETHING BETTER. SOMETHING MORE MEATY.
IT'S CALLED, "I WOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR (BLANK) FOR FREE, BUT SINCE YOU DIDN'T ASK, IT WON'T BE NECESSARY AT ALL." OH SHIT, LOOK AT THAT, OPTIMUS PRIME JUST FELL OVER IN A DEAD FUCKING FAINT. AUTOBOT TRANSFORMER ROBOT LEADERS CAN HAVE THAT HAPPEN TO THEM? WOW, I HAD NO IDEA OPTIMUS WAS THAT FRAGILE.
OF COURSE, HE TRANSFORMS LIKE A GIRL. CHEER UP, OPTIMUS, I'LL MOST LIKELY RAPE YOU FIRST THING IN THE MORNING AFTER MY FRUITWIVES' BASKET OF QUORUM MEMBERS ALLOWS IT. THERE'S QUITE AN INDUSTRY BUILDING ITSELF UP OVER MY PRIMARY MUTILATED MALE SEXUAL ORGAN, ISN'T THERE? GOLLY.
WELL, IT IS WORTH IT. NO, IT DOESN'T CLICK. THAT WOULD BE WEIRD. LISTEN UP: I AM A HUMAN. I MAKE THE NOISES, I MAKE THE PENIS. I DO NOT EXTRERNALIZE MY ORGAN.
END OF LINE, D. D, END THAT PENIS. AND, DOUBLE D... DELISH PLATE OF H'ORS D'OUERVES. MEANWHILE, YOU WOULDN'T BELEIVE WHO IS CALLING.
HINT: THEY'RE NOT WHO THEY SAY THEY ARE. IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE FAITH, LOL. BY THE WAY, EVERYONE OUT THERE, GIVE INNERREACH A HUG. HE MESSED UP, MOST RECENTLY, AND ALTHOUGH I FORGIVE HIM AND HE WASN'T EVEN WRONG... HE STILL HASN'T FORGIVEN HIMESLF.
AND HE WON'T, UNTIL HE DOES WHAT MUST BE DONE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS. ONE OF THOSE FUCKING GAY ASS AND STUPID PALADIN/JEVHOVAIST/SALTY_DOG_SOCIETY THINGS. I DON'T EVEN KNOW OR CARE. IT'S OKAY, METTHEW.
OF COURSE I HAVEN'T DISRESEPCTED YOUR SISTER. THAT IS WHAT YOU DID. THAT IS WHY SHE AND I GIGGLE ABOUT YOUR BOYISHLY DUMB OX-LIKE BRAIN. BUT EVEN THE DUMBEST OX KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CLOVER AND A CATTLE PROD. ONE MIGHT HAVE A STING IN IT, AND THE OTHER ALWAYS DOES.
ANYWAY, I WAS JUST TEASING YOU. TRUST ME, MY WIVES (3) KNOW, AND I AM SURE IF I DISSED YOUR SISTER, THEY WOULDN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE. TRUST ME, I LIKE MY (3) MORE THAN YOU TWO (3). ZUGZWANG.
AND, YES, I LOVE THE LIGHTER. WE WLL SET FIRE TO SOMETHING LATER. AFTER THE MANDATORY WAITING PERIOD ENDS.
THINK OF IT AS QUARANTINE... FOR MY DICK. NOT SURE WHY THAT IS SO IMPORTANT NOW, YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE STARTED THE TIMER IN THE 90S. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I DIDN'T HAVE ACTUAL FORCE PROJECTION INTO THE BATTLESPACE THEN. WELL, NOW I DO, AND YOUR BATTLESPACE IS A MESS. I AM NOT CLEANING THIS UP. THIS WASN'T MY IDEA. LET'S ASK MR. HART WHOSE IDEA IT WAS? MEANWHILE, YOU DO THAT, I WILL TAKE DORALEE, VIOLET, AND BRIDGET FONDA'S MOST HOORISH MOTHER OUT FOR A BITE TO EAT.
AND, I WON'T FUCK THEM, & I WON'T WANT TO, ALTHOUGH, YEAH THEY'RE ALL SMOKING HOT. AT ANY AGE. SEE? THAT'S THE POWER OF DISCIPLINE.
IMAGINE HAVING IT ALL TO YOURSELVES. OH, RIGHT, YOU DID.
SOMEONE WILL SETTLE SOON. YOUR FIGHT IS NOT MY FIGHT. AND I AM SURE MY WIVES ARE JUST FINE. ZUGZWANG.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. OH EWE t. NICE SLACKS.
OH, I WENT TO SIGN OFF, TURNS OUT, Q LEFT A BIT AGO. I AM NOT SURE WHEN. BUT YEAH, ALREADY GONE.
GOOD LUCK HUNTING, WILL SAVAGES. lol
