we are in fact married, fuck you
Invariably, when this comes up lately, the question is posed, "Is it legal?" So far I haven't even come close to coming up with the best rejoinder to any such query. Like, let's say I picked some person--for example, her mother--and let's say I just announced, "I married your mother without her consent. Yeah, last night, it was a daydream. Rocky said he's cool with it. No, I didn't tell her at all until this morning, when I sent a text out of nowhere, 'hi, we're married now, I married you to me without even broaching the subject, that's okay, lots of marriages happen without the consent of the female in the olden days, and besides, I just figured you were lonely, and I'm a nun now anyway, I immediately ran off and joined a convent, without you, and obviously, we didn't consummate, so, you're free to get an annulment, I wouldn't stand in the way of that, I respect the rights of all women to decide who they want to marry! Anyway, that's what I told them at the convent, and my Habitual name is "Shahsleigher." Love ya!"
My hand to G-d. I did this. I am told that the joke was not openly celebrated within the fam, that I saw, but... I still think it's goddam hilarious. "You're married? Is it legal?" hahauhaghguahguhahHUAHGUHUAHGUUHUHUG HAHAHHAH HAH.
I picked the wrong week to find out that the rumours spread about me are as bad as they have been. I'm on edge. I've lost me spark. I know I'll be okay; I just kinda wanna go outside and do cartwheels in the four-foot-high grass, but, I don't want to leave its pristine, untraversed eyeline with footsteps in it, because otherwise, someone might think Jesus is actually walking up into my house, and then I would be charged extra property tax. Or something. The struggle is real. "Is it legal?" hahhahhhHAHAHAHHAAHAH oh I'm fucking dying with my sides kicking in the afterburns right when they hit the jet stream. What's the speed limit up there? Am I allowed to use afterburners at that altitude.... what I am asking is,
"Is it legal?" HAUFAUHUAHAHHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHH OMG HAHHAHAHAHHHA hehe. I don't think I even need drugs. I mean why not, why need anything at all? Oh, but I gotta be able to prove that I believe that I have a committed relationship with some gal who freely helped me burn through an easy $15K, but I gotta support and defend the legality of my marriage with a woman who spent literally MONTHS screaming her damn fool head off about some wedding ring that I didn't even know the provenance of, and was it a wedding ring, or an engagement ring or... meanwhile she's being coerced/persusded into doing the stupid shit imaginable, and the whole way I'm mentionging, hey this is dumb, what are you doing, what? what?
And so now they're reduced to inviting me over to a sound set, offering me ways to provide them ways to incriminate myself, and all I do is lay down the whole scoop and a half on every damn thing which is important to me, which is: "You're holding my intimate partner hostage and deliberately leaving key details of facts as indeterminate, and now you wanna know if a marriage is "legal"? ahahahahah omg hahah CHRISTMAS EVE IN JAIL AFTER LYING TO DISPATCH... 11 days for
actual nothing + rights violation, and it's fucking May, I've taken back my house, I've reasserted my Authority (No Small Thing), and then it's... but, wait. Is your marriage... is it...
legal?"HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
They literally have nothing on me, and I cannot imagine what they have on anyone, but I know that everything that had been planned to be on my neck at the start of the year... landed square on the heads and shoulders of others. I'm not even hurtting. I don't even want 24/7 blast off! Look what it did to her, lol, and, like, uhm... well, I guess I could have learned a lot more? HAHAHAAHAHAH omg.
