The BellGab Bakeshop

[K_Dubb]

Is there anything special we can prepare for Beltane?

https://www.saveur.com/article/Recipes/Tippaleipa-Finnish-May-Day-Funnel-Cakes/

Funnel cakes! (It is called Valborgsnatt (Walpurgis Night) in Scandinavia.  Traditionally too soon for fresh berries  so it is a rerun of fried Carnival foods.  Bonfires and drinking (especially champage) are obligatory.

If you want something more Celtic there is apparently an oatmeal bannock baked in Scotland but how that differs from every other Scottish Thursday escapes me.

[K_Dubb]

Here we go!  Beltane Bannock with Caudle and Human Sacrifice - how pagan can you get?!?! https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/how-to-make-beltane-bannock-oatcake.amp



The caudle seems to be one of those runny custards they like over there, the suggested (but obviously unused) saffron would keep it from looking like baby barf.

[K_Dubb]

Here they have baked the egg mess on top of the bannock, that looks much better.  I think I would prefer this bannock, with the fruits in:




With Beltane lore
http://www.tairis.co.uk/recipes/festival-bannocks-and-caudle/

[K_Dubb]

Sir, I am thinking of trying to make the fresh cheese you make to use in the molded spread thingie you put on my Russian Penis Cake.  Can you use fresh milk, or must it be a week old like you do?

[Laser]

Here we go!  Beltane Bannock with Caudle and Human Sacrifice - how pagan can you get?!?! https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/how-to-make-beltane-bannock-oatcake.amp





The caudle seems to be one of those runny custards they like over there, the suggested (but obviously unused) saffron would keep it from looking like baby barf.

Excellent reference. The food may be bland but the pageantry is dramatic, something reminiscent of the Cremation of Care.
And interestingly, Julius Caesar, himself, claimed to have witnessed the possible preparation for a Wicker Man sacrifice.

[pate]

Sir, I am thinking of trying to make the fresh cheese you make to use in the molded spread thingie you put on my Russian Penis Cake.  Can you use fresh milk, or must it be a week old like you do?

For some reason I think this is addressed to me?  Are you talking about making ricotta?  Yes you absolutely can use fresh milk, I just find that older milk that is not sour yet has more flavor.

Per quart of Milk it is 2-3 fluid ounces of fresh citrus juice.  I use fresh lime juice, but you can use lemon too.  Never tried it with orange or grapefruit?  I think there needs to be a lot of acidity in the juice, so Oranges might not work so great.

Anyway, yes to fresh.  Make sure it is Whole Milk (red HOMO<--- ha!).  Very slowly heat the milk up in a non-reactive pot to 180F, hold at 180F for five minutes then gently stir in the juice and pour it through rinsed cheesecloth (you might fold it a few times so you get all the curds) and let it rest in the cheese cloth for a minimum of ONE HOUR undisturbed (the curds will cool a bit and stick together).  That gets you "juicy" or "wet" ricotta;  If you want a "dry" ricotta tie it off in the cheesecloth, suspend it over a container (I hang it in a 2q Rubbermaid "KoolAid" pitcher with some bamboo skewers X'ed across the top) and throw it into the fridge for 24-hours.

You might do a quick "Goggle" search about making DIY ricotta, pretty sure about 180F temperature and hold time, but I may be off on the amount per quart of juice.  Trust but Vara-fy and all that good stuff.

Russian Penis Cake!  Haha...

Don't forget to save/freeze all the whey liquid for your high-protein bread.  I think a gallon of milk makes about a Pint of ricotta, btw.  Also the riccota freezes great if you make too much.

[K_Dubb]

For some reason I think this is addressed to me?  Are you talking about making ricotta?  Yes you absolutely can use fresh milk, I just find that older milk that is not sour yet has more flavor.

Per quart of Milk it is 2-3 fluid ounces of fresh citrus juice.  I use fresh lime juice, but you can use lemon too.  Never tried it with orange or grapefruit?  I think there needs to be a lot of acidity in the juice, so Oranges might not work so great.

Anyway, yes to fresh.  Make sure it is Whole Milk (red HOMO<--- ha!).  Very slowly heat the milk up in a non-reactive pot to 180F, hold at 180F for five minutes then gently stir in the juice and pour it through rinsed cheesecloth (you might fold it a few times so you get all the curds) and let it rest in the cheese cloth for a minimum of ONE HOUR undisturbed (the curds will cool a bit and stick together).  That gets you "juicy" or "wet" ricotta;  If you want a "dry" ricotta tie it off in the cheesecloth, suspend it over a container (I hang it in a 2q Rubbermaid "KoolAid" pitcher with some bamboo skewers X'ed across the top) and throw it into the fridge for 24-hours.

You might do a quick "Goggle" search about making DIY ricotta, pretty sure about 180F temperature and hold time, but I may be off on the amount per quart of juice.  Trust but Vara-fy and all that good stuff.

Russian Penis Cake!  Haha...

Don't forget to save/freeze all the whey liquid for your high-protein bread.  I think a gallon of milk makes about a Pint of ricotta, btw.  Also the riccota freezes great if you make too much.

Thank you, sir; I will give it a shot!  The cheese is to be mixed with cream and egg yolks and raisins and citrus peels and sugar and some other things I forget and the whole mass pressed in a cheesecloth-lined mold overnight so I am thinking the wet product will work, though I feel the sudden need for a cheese centrifuge or a repurposed salad spinner.

[pate]

Thank you, sir; I will give it a shot!  The cheese is to be mixed with cream and egg yolks and raisins and citrus peels and sugar and some other things I forget and the whole mass pressed in a cheesecloth-lined mold overnight so I am thinking the wet product will work, though I feel the sudden need for a cheese centrifuge or a repurposed salad spinner.

K_Dubb, Attend:

After recommending that you Goggle "DIY ricotta" I decided that I would do the same, I note that you will be mixing the cheese with cream, egg yolks &c...

Some of the Suzy Homemaker recipes I saw on my Goggle resluts page used both Whole (Red Homo) Milk and Heavy Cream as primary ingredients for their version of DIY ricotta.  I do not see a problem with this addition of Heavy Cream to the process, since you have some anyway you might try throwing that in there during the heat and hold phase.

Your recipe being a "Russian Penis Cake" almost demands that you use Heavy Cream in the cheese curd process I would think.  I have a feeling that this addition to the recipe might make your DIY ricotta even "creamier" and might increase the size of the curd, making for a somewhat "chunkier" style of fromage.

Also, the Suzy Homemaker recipes seemed to vary on the amount of time for the cheese to "drain";  some had as few as 10 minutes claiming that this resluted in a more viscous final product.

Additionally, Vinegar apparently can be used in lieu of citrus juice as well.  For your recipe I would try Apple Cider Vinegar or some other "fruity" type (Strawberry?), if you use vinegar.   For the citrus juice method I would go with Lemon over Lime (Pineapple?!?!), as that will be a touch sweeter.

In all honesty, I have found that the Lime juice method I use imparts almost no flavor to the curds:  it is there but you have to be looking for it.  But the whey liquid has a lot of the Lime flavor, which I suppose would increase that flavor profile in the "wet & creamy" version of the final cheese product.

I don't believe the Suzy Homemaker recipes I found had considered any of the above, you might consider all of that while preparing your "Russian Penis Cake," you probably want that "filling" to taste really good, non?

I think this little project of yours might be an ambassador of a sort for the "Bakeries, Not Fakeries" MAPA initiative.  Now get out there and fix that shit!

pate/K_Dubb 2024
"WHO shat in the interregnum?"

[K_Dubb]

K_Dubb, Attend:

After recommending that you Goggle "DIY ricotta" I decided that I would do the same, I note that you will be mixing the cheese with cream, egg yolks &c...

Some of the Suzy Homemaker recipes I saw on my Goggle resluts page used both Whole (Red Homo) Milk and Heavy Cream as primary ingredients for their version of DIY ricotta.  I do not see a problem with this addition of Heavy Cream to the process, since you have some anyway you might try throwing that in there during the heat and hold phase.

Your recipe being a "Russian Penis Cake" almost demands that you use Heavy Cream in the cheese curd process I would think.  I have a feeling that this addition to the recipe might make your DIY ricotta even "creamier" and might increase the size of the curd, making for a somewhat "chunkier" style of fromage.

Also, the Suzy Homemaker recipes seemed to vary on the amount of time for the cheese to "drain";  some had as few as 10 minutes claiming that this resluted in a more viscous final product.

Additionally, Vinegar apparently can be used in lieu of citrus juice as well.  For your recipe I would try Apple Cider Vinegar or some other "fruity" type (Strawberry?), if you use vinegar.   For the citrus juice method I would go with Lemon over Lime (Pineapple?!?!), as that will be a touch sweeter.

In all honesty, I have found that the Lime juice method I use imparts almost no flavor to the curds:  it is there but you have to be looking for it.  But the whey liquid has a lot of the Lime flavor, which I suppose would increase that flavor profile in the "wet & creamy" version of the final cheese product.

I don't believe the Suzy Homemaker recipes I found had considered any of the above, you might consider all of that while preparing your "Russian Penis Cake," you probably want that "filling" to taste really good, non?

I think this little project of yours might be an ambassador of a sort for the "Bakeries, Not Fakeries" MAPA initiative.  Now get out there and fix that shit!

pate/K_Dubb 2024
"WHO shat in the interregnum?"

Thank you!  The filling should be rich and creamy, yes sir!  Per the recipe I will be using a lemon flavoring so the lemon juice used to separate the curds should only be enhanced.  I have purchased a couple pounds of full-fat cottage cheese to puree in the event the experiment fails.

Also, Roz says 'hello'.

[K_Dubb]

Sir, I am pleased to report that, thanks to your tutelage, my cheese-making was an unqualified success!  I did not consult any Suzy-homemaker recipes but relied entirely upon your guidance.  I used most of a gallon of milk and three lemons.  Thank you!

[Colonel Pate Manly]

I have "hijacked" the Shadow President's intar-tube connection in yore thyme-lein for my own purposes, but I am curious as to what yield (kT average, converted to Imperial) you achieved with the experiment?  Did the gallon of unrefined (RED, homo) yield the expected pint of fissile material?  More, less?

The scientists in my brane would be most interested in yore results, it may have a military application for the Space Force in our current campaign against insurgents on the planet Ares.

Unfortunately, I am unable to divulge the specific munitions data;  as that might result in a corruption of yore thyme-lein, and they may not even matter due to differences in the Laws of the Physic that the two dimensions may (or may not) share.

My mother-in-law has a great recipe that uses this home-brew fromage for the family las-gun'yuh recipe, and she is NUTZ!  Hah, I promise that this is only for culinary interest that I ask.

-COL Manly

[K_Dubb]

I have "hijacked" the Shadow President's intar-tube connection in yore thyme-lein for my own purposes, but I am curious as to what yield (kT average, converted to Imperial) you achieved with the experiment?  Did the gallon of unrefined (RED, homo) yield the expected pint of fissile material?  More, less?

The scientists in my brane would be most interested in yore results, it may have a military application for the Space Force in our current campaign against insurgents on the planet Ares.

Unfortunately, I am unable to divulge the specific munitions data;  as that might result in a corruption of yore thyme-lein, and they may not even matter due to differences in the Laws of the Physic that the two dimensions may (or may not) share.

My mother-in-law has a great recipe that uses this home-brew fromage for the family las-gun'yuh recipe, and she is NUTZ!  Hah, I promise that this is only for culinary interest that I ask.

-COL Manly

Sir, it was a bit more than two pounds and, as the lump is now mixed with egg yolks, heavy cream, etc. as well as an ungodly amount of sugar I cannot swear as to its volume but I would believe it to be a little more than two cups.  I cooled it and let it drip for ten minutes, reasoning that it would have ample opportunity to shed excess moisture through the open end of the cheese mold overnight, but I am distressed this morning to see that it peed but a little.  Once I invert it and take the mold apart I am sure that the whole structure will collapse in a great gush of curdled creamy white goo and I shall be a laughing-stock before the assembled host, who will nonetheless spread it happily across the slabs of Penis Cake to relieve its desiccation --  if all goes well this will be the longest Penis Cake I have made and the internet is replete with horror stories of untimely deflation as it is pulled from the oven (at the moment of climax, if you will) and I am sure I will keep it in there a little too long.  The morning is fraught with anxiety!

[pate]

Sir, it was a bit more than two pounds and, as the lump is now mixed with egg yolks, heavy cream, etc. as well as an ungodly amount of sugar I cannot swear as to its volume but I would believe it to be a little more than two cups.  I cooled it and let it drip for ten minutes, reasoning that it would have ample opportunity to shed excess moisture through the open end of the cheese mold overnight, but I am distressed this morning to see that it peed but a little.  Once I invert it and take the mold apart I am sure that the whole structure will collapse in a great gush of curdled creamy white goo and I shall be a laughing-stock before the assembled host, who will nonetheless spread it happily across the slabs of Penis Cake to relieve its desiccation --  if all goes well this will be the longest Penis Cake I have made and the internet is replete with horror stories of untimely deflation as it is pulled from the oven (at the moment of climax, if you will) and I am sure I will keep it in there a little too long.  The morning is fraught with anxiety!

K_Dubb, Attend:

Do not forget to document the process via High Definition photographic imagery, if it turns out to be "The Crime of The Century" the State will need evidence at the trial. 

My administration takes the "Bakeries, Not Fakeries" pogrom very seriously.  Your steady hand at the wheel does not provide immunity from the Uniform Code of Patian Justice!

pate/K_Dubb 2024
"WHO shat in the interregnum?"

[K_Dubb]

K_Dubb, Attend:

Do not forget to document the process via High Definition photographic imagery, if it turns out to be "The Crime of The Century" the State will need evidence at the trial. 

My administration takes the "Bakeries, Not Fakeries" pogrom very seriously.  Your steady hand at the wheel does not provide immunity from the Uniform Code of Patian Justice!

pate/K_Dubb 2024
"WHO shat in the interregnum?"

I tremble at the righteousness of this cause, sir, and I will not attempt to cover my shame.  Giant full-color images of ignominious defeat shall be forthcoming!

[K_Dubb]

I shall begin with the high (literally) point: the bread itself did not collapse.  This is a bread called kulich or pashka or some variation of those (pashka is just the word for Easter), similar to the sweet doughs with which I am familiar with the addition of sour cream and lots of egg yolks.  As it has been traditionally baked in coffee cans since at least the Soviet era, I sewed (punched holes in and threaded together) two 1 1/2 -lb. cans.  I wanted to use 2 2-lb. cans but this would have been too tall for my oven.  It came out at a very respectable 12 inches and very very girthy.

I had aimed to overtop the cans producing the sort of mushroom head that brings peens to mind but only managed a dome.  It is funny, in a lot of recipes there are warnings to continue the parchment-paper wrapping past the end of the can "in order to keep the top even" i. e. not looking so much like a giant ween).

Baking was complicated.  There is no toothpick alive that can tell you whether the middle is done and I shrunk at using a bamboo knitting needle to make a peen slit in the top by way of testing, and guessed: 55 minutes at 375.  Wrong!  The middle was still pretty doughy.  Breads and cakes bake from the outside in -- this is why they dome -- and the soggy center suggested a vast reserve of potential upward thrust sadly untapped.   My theory is that the shiny cans reflect heat away from the cake like foil, and also it is very girthy,defying the penetration of the heat.  I am sure I could have gone another half hour