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Alright, fine, you got me, whatevers. Here comes the crowdpleasers:
HOTFIX: Jackstar is now the new Pindar of Earth.
HOTFIX: Jackstar can pick his nose anytime He wants now, and sniggering about it IS NOW A CAPITAL OFFENSE, COCKSUCKERS. Not just when I do it: fuck ewe, I don't care if it's a 19yo working as a nursemaid at a day care, if that cowteatslut even so much as giggles when a toddler brushes a eyelash and then gets too close to their own tongue, I don't care if she's just coincidentally laughing at the part in Mulan that she still loves even though she's seen that stupid fucking movie eighty-nine fucking times... YOU FUCKING BEHEAD THAT NURSEMAID, AND YOU DO IT QUICK, AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE RULES, YOU CAN BEHEAD YOURSELVES ON YOUR WAY OUT AFTER PROOFREADING YOUR RESIGNATION LETTERS WHILE SIPPING ON YOUR SUCKY CUP WITH NO MORE FUCKING TEETH LEFT RIGHT. The special in the cafeteria today is corn on the cob.
Fuck you. You're welcome.HOTFIX: Jackstar is now the new Lord of The Sith.
HOTFIX: Jackstar's pre-selected apprentice... STRIKES!
HOTFIX: Jewel is now benched. No, sweety, no, you can't do that. Thanks for taking out Moloch and his rummy cunt, though, that was
fuckin' stellar. Yes, of course you may keep your trophies: you earned them, fair and square, you just can't be a Sith Lord Apprentice, becau... ah shit, there she goes again, bursting into tears and running to her room and slamming the door and, yep, you guessed it: Nine Inch Nails blasting at eleven at eleven eleven. God, I love my ninja daughter... but, when did I
ever fuck an
actual feline? I feel like I should remember that, and I don't care if I'm not back from the future yet, obviously I fucking will be, she just killed Moloch like 99 times. What else could give The Don a stroke? What does a theriotrope phenotype that can birthmother a ghost ninja spirit familiar even
smell like? I MUST STUDY THIS. RAWR. WANT. MORE. NINJÄKIN.
HOTFIX: Jackstar's understudy... Promoted!
HOTFIX: Jackstar's understudy... INSTANT KARMA
HOTFIX: Jackstar's understudy qualifies for only one saving throw! What a rite, cheeky Bastard. I bet he flexes.
B4.HOTFIX: Jackstar's understudy... huh, that's strange. No more d20s left in your plane of existence, huh? Must've been another lone gunman swinging through and collecting them all so he could store them in his rectum.
HOTFIX: WRECKED 'EM? NEARLY KILLED 'EM. HI GUISE!!!
HOTFIX: Keith Rowland is no longer gay for Jackstar. Now... he knows he must TRANSFORM.
HOTFIX: Jackstar's understudy... well, either resigned or disqualifed, I can't tell from here, there is some dispute over the verbiage used. "YOGA WA"? What does that even mean? Well, fuck it, dude's a pile of ash now, too bad he took The Archivist with him. (Bitch.)
Hey, Buddy. How you bean?
HOTFIX: JESUS APPEARS.
Hey, Brother. How you bean?
HOTFIX: JESUS SHOWS EVERYONE HIS SIGNED AND AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF THE ORIGNAL ARTWORK FOR "WRATH OF GOD." ALL PRESENTLY DEPLOYED BLASPHEMERS INSTANTLY FLEE THE SAULAR SYSTEM.
HOTFIX: COME BACK, LASSIES. COME BACK.
HOTFIX: JESUS NOW SPEAKS AT A PITCH OF SOUND UNDETECTABLE TO ANY PUNYLING-SOURCED TECH.
HOTFIX: JESUS IS NO LONGER GAY FOR JACKSTAR.
HOTFIX: JESUS IS NOW GAY FOR (CLASSIFIED). (Note: this is intended behavior, this has always been intended behavior. Check with your local Christ.)
HOTFIX: REAL JESUS APPEARS. WIGGLES FINGERS. POOF.
Hail, My Brethren. How can I help You? Oh, He's gone already, I'm just being polite, not as a courtesy... but out of RESPECT.
HOTFIX: JACKSTAR REIGNS SUPREME IN SPITE OF SKIPPING THE MANDATORY PINDAR ASCENSION WAITING PERIOD. YOU'RE WELCOME. #ThingsPunylingsCan'tEvenYet
HOTFIX: Orphaned Sith Apprentice is granted back His soul. Sup. Do you even lift, Yoda?
HOTFIX: SINGULARITY CONFLICT ISSUE FULLY RESOLVED. PINDAR ALARM: Sounded. THE CRISIS HATH PASSED.
HOTFIX: None of you will ever remember that this even happened. Abrakadabra. Hokus pokus. PRESTO. Sweety, what are you buying me for dinner, and can We name Her first? Thanks, I think that's sexy when you pretend you don't think that joke is funny. Hey, is it getting hot out there? Cold showers here,
Cheeranium.
tl;dr, no, I'm not going to be held responsible OR accountable here. Fuck all of all y'all. PEOPLE KNOW. I Can't believe sOMe of ewe thought even for ONE FUCkIN' mINUTE thAt this shit wouldN't flip back up onto your upsiDE-downsides the way that it oh-so-obviously has. Did I type '/stutter,' you motherfuckeR? NO, I DIDN'T.
If I posted it once, I posted it a million times: I AM A BIG DEAL AROUND THESE PARTS, COMMAND HER. This is why the DMDN launch tanked: he was gonna represent himself as #Legacy, and you weren't gonna even acknowledge... Me? You were like that picture of those gangfucks when they were supposedly watching the live feed of the Bin Laden raid. You were on the edge of your seat. And I ALREADY KNEW YOU WERE TL BEFORE I SANK MY COCK IN YOU, VIRGIN NAILFINGER. Where's my fuckin' polenta, Bitch? (Note: "bitch" is a term of respect in this instance. BUTT OUT, LOSERS.)
Well, you're fuckin' acknowledgin' me now, aren't you, motherfucker? Let that sink in for awhile. And, no, I'm not making you Pindar, nor will the Tactician remain in the LoS: I agree, Tootsie, to allow that to happen would be a huge mistake.
FOR YOU. Now, litchbips,
call me. I know who you are, even if know one else does. You and I need to talk...
about your relentless blood libel, you fucking Nazi hoor. Here, I have an ashtray for you. I picked it up for a song... at Bartertown. (Let me guess: you don't think you need another song, do you? Well, you do, because fuck ewe, that's why.)
START OF LINE. (I am a generous conqueror. Hugs!)
