You want it. You have it. THE DREAM HAS BEEN IDEALIZED. for months now, for years I have been trying to figure out what the fuck and nobody has been willing to tell me. Some of you knew, I know damn well some of you do, and many of you couldn't possibly have known what it was that I wanted to know and I didn't even know what it was that I wanted to know, but I still know that I wanted to know and most of you never ever really gave a shit about whether I knew or not but more than likely is not you were kind of content to have me suffering silence and not know, as that's pretty much the basic human standard in life: Suffer and die in ignorance and silence. Ours being not to know or wonder why, ours is but to do and to die.
okay well that's fine for you. not for me. I want better in life. not just that I have better in life I have taken out the steps that walked up behind me when I left the ocean and now I walk on land on two feet with no flippers and the rest of you spin around looking for algae in the pond, you're not just puny your coy puny. and no I'm not going to pick you up and take you with me I'm not going to show you how to evolve no I'm just leaving bye see you I'm going into intellectual I know stuff land. it's been decided. I know more than you now. I'm better understanding things now. I can understand things now.
what can you do? you can play YouTube videos while you sit around on your couch gnawing on your pistachios and your knuckles and your friend's baby's pacifier that you shoplifted for I'm trying to impress him and then couldn't bring yourself to give it to him in person cuz you couldn't remember why you thought you'd do such a thing and then you took it home and it kept on looking at you like you're fascinated by the plastic pacifier so now you suck on it.
that's right, you do. late at night you take it out of your secret box and you go in the corner of your bedroom where you don't think the cameras can see you and you take it out and caress it lovingly and you think about how it would be to put in your mouth and talk to it like a real man would instead of like a baby like it was designed to please. who would do such a thing? who would imagine trying to please a baby?
Well, anybody who never met anybody who showed up looking like they had just met a mean one that's for sure. all right I got to go soon. I got kind of a problem here at the haunted church, I got a magic Hunter circling the house trying to figure out if it can peer inside and see if I'm doing secret magic that might be threatened at safety of this government, cuz I'm not at all a threat to the US government but they got to be sure and they don't really know because it's getting pretty apparent that I'm a lot smarter than people thought I was and I'm totally not full of shit about a great many things, including a whole bunch of stuff I've been posting about Willy Dilly on the internet lately that I try to make sound completely wildly implausible but it's actually like completely true so I might be a little bit of trouble for a little bit of unauthorized speculation, but since I don't have a security clearance or any work history or any connection or association with people who actually know these real things, doesn't really matter that I just speculated out loud and turned out to be bang on the money, except it might actually be a problem if it... you know if it interfered with somebody White. or somebody black. I don't think it interfere with anybody Hungarian, but you know what if it did, I probably would get a pat on the back and a box of cigars from the local Austrian contingent.
who, it goes out saying, are pretty much on to me at this point. fuck. like there's probably no coming back for this. oh well. hopefully that portal thing works when it needs to, but realistically it doesn't really matter at this point.
It’s already too late. I've already spawned a legend that I can't control. And Hell spawned with me. this should be somewhat of a pleasant development for a certain far too attended to person of questionable social status that I used to go to school with back a long time ago, who I may or may not have said too much about at one point and annoyed to a great extent, but I suspect I might not have annoyed the person as much as she's claimed she's thought she's annoyed by. she'll know herself when she finds out just how annoyed she is when she's no longer talked about or thought about and gets the private and annuity that she thought she had needed to stay safe and shit.
at that point, I'm prepared to take it to another level but let me make this completely clear so there's no confusion, I don't need to take that to another level okay, I'm not here chasing clout or uniform or fetishizing anything or trying to get an angle or an edge or make up for lost time or get what's owed to me or pursue the fruit of the forbidden tree.
I'm not even here to suck up to Rubini. Who, by the way, is probably having a real sweat of a time right now, and what's that like? you know he sure thought it was funny when other people are having trouble, he sure thought it was fun to laugh at me, he sure did some stuff and other things happened and then he could have done this and then another time and then stuff and.... well it's like this: they say when you break it you buy it, but I didn't break him, and I don't need to buy him, but I sure could be more helpful to him than I have been lately.
so what you going to do? is he going to cry about it? is he going to sue me? is he going to sue me twice? does that mean I'm in a four trial for trying to help my friend from high school not be as embarrassed as she might should have been?
well, actually yes. because I'm in a position to know that regardless of how embarrassed she might have felt, I didn't want her to be embarrassed, and I still don't want to be embarrassed and the fact that she's embarrassed at all, well that's between her and her own karmic maker, I'm not trying to impress her any although I feel to some extent that I embarrassed her just by mentioning her at all!
well there's not a lot I can do about that, cuz she's kind of a fixture in various scans of life and ways that I don't know what to make of but the good news is I can set all that aside and I can pretend that I'm completely unaware of her presence and totally don't know anything about where she is and hardly ever think about it at all, just like it was for the first seven eight years I was here on Bellgab. and in fact nobody ever told me she was here, and I never found out where she was, and I never thought it was a big deal that mattered so much until it occurred to me that... perhaps assuming that she would be willing to acknowledge her presence to me ever would be a bit of a stretch for me to make in terms of a logical assumption Barbara. department.
Whatevah. Anyway, it wasn't until March of this year when I suddenly had a sudden instinct that I should just give up waiting for somebody to tell me, and then actually make the mental decision to decide to look for the person if the person was actually here like where would they be who would they be if they were actually here if they were actually here hiding from the entire time and watching me and not believing that I wasn't aware of them and not here looking for it and just completely forgotten all about her and didn't care so much what would she do and act and where would she be like and how would that poster behave?
I said before it was like three and a half minutes. I lied. it was like three and a half seconds. “Oh, holy shit look at that, that's got to be her.” I thought I was the moth, turns out... I've been the flame for years.
it never occurred to me that she would never forgive me for instantly skewering her casual veil of supposed anonymity with such careless and brazen lack of consideration. like it never even considered itself as a possible thought that I would hold the information in advance, and then just keep up appearances the way it always been and then suddenly just watch and see and know and prepare myself for thinking what are they doing what are they thinking I'm going to read that and does she know does she know what I figured out? fuck no I never did that, I never even imagine that a person would be unwilling to reveal themselves to me I figured if they saw me they'd be like oh yeah, it turns out not so much
some people like to do this thing they call laying and wait for years at a time until it's ready for the strike. the anticipation, the buildup Sweet taste of and savory Joy the dances across the mouth and tongue and lips is one imagines what it'll taste like when the teeth are finally sinking into the flesh in this hot jugular blood floods into the mouth. yeah, I totally denied that to her, without even thinking that was doing anything exceptional, and destroyed years of planning and erased her possible joy that she could have had when she decided to finally close the trap and do whatever the hell was she wanted to do to me. probably nothing I guess, or something that was buried so deep in her psyche it'll take dozens of hours of psychotherapy to dig it out again along with a hypnotist and a pack of 40 mule teams pulling borax too. but that's not important right now.
I'm just mentioning it cuz I wanted to say that I have remorse for that time, cuz it'll never come again, I try to remember what that was like and it's kind of like a dim hazy memory, and I remember the looks that I would get from a certain person would I say hey what about this, and then I remember the odd silences that I would get some times when something would come up and I'd say hey what about that and they just like blank me and I thought to myself what the fuck why why is this weird circumstance what is she fucking on the run for embezzlement??
yeah, probably not, because that's a pretty oddly specific hypothetical question to ask isn't it? well anyway whatever she's doing she's on the run for me, because truth be told I don't know where she is what she's doing or what the fuck ever she was thinking and by the time I ever talk to her again the whole world is going to be radically changed from the way it is today because I know stuff that people could have told me and they didn't tell me and she was one of them and now she has missed that opportunity to be that person who told me as well.
at this rate, when I invent teleportation that I can share with people I might as well just sell it to the Chinese, for all the respect I get in my home country, which by the way, hates me now. people think I'm a anchor baby, or they think I'm a wife beater, or they think I'm lying about what I'm doing or chasing like whatever the fuck they think they definitely haven't gotten anywhere close to the truth, and they haven't bothered to ask except the service of their own agendas... and now it's a little too late, because I have acquired, once again on my own, key critical pieces of information that has changed the entire Outlook of my life forever and ever amen.
has nothing to do with her. her, or any of her ilk. those people who I forgave in my heart long ago and then promptly forgot about and didn't think the worry over drop it a pot of piss on him, well didn't exactly get the kind of greeting of hail and Hardy welcome that I might have thought I might have had in fact seems like I kind of been a little bit of an icy stabby at the kind of experience. like I wasn't welcome, and I was better off being ignorant and they kind of wish that things had gone back to the way they were when they knew everything and I knew nothing and they thought I was an idiot and they can make fun of me and they talked about me and they didn't invite for things and screwed me for things and they thought oh just leave him out in the cold he'll he'll he'll be fine he'll just stay out there with Lauren malvo and they'll teach each other restraint.
Fat chance. notice the name Lauren alvo, that's two words with five letters each in them, five: five, which is my birthday. May 5th. 5:5. now, I don't expect any of you to remember where you were that day, but let me tell you this, absolutely no one was in the right place at the right time that day.
I'll mention as to why that is later. I know you're already bored, Henrietta of Barzumia, Planet Uranus (her sorority name that she doesn't remember yet), because now I'm playing along. I'll go to some website and make it home there and then I'll send someone by friends to go casually tell you about something and then and then rope you in and lead You In a break from you and then when you get there I'll see you walk in they'll be an alarm going off in the wall and then I'll just completely act like I don't know you're there at all.
doesn't that sound like fun? it'll be like when we were making out, except you won't have to feel bad that I'm not behaving the way you expect me to... you can just feel bad that I'm not behaving the way you think you would like me to, which one you think about it is an entirely different thing than how you would expect me to. for example I would have expected you before now to get all pissy and uppity and anky if I made a big long wall of text rambling post about whatever the hell it is you're doing and stuff, I would have felt self-conscious. as if people would have thought something about how I would be compensating for something.
well, the joke's on them, because I got even less chance of being concerned about what they think about what I think of you than I do of what I think about what you think about what I going to think I do. And, here's why: all of all y'all had ample opportunity to do things different. And all of you did what you did. I am not here to judge you.
AND NOW, I GRAB THE REIGNS OF FATE, CHOOSE THE PATH THAT WILL GO BEFORE US FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, AND REMOVE ALL HAZY SHADE OF DOUBT FROM THE MIND OF ANY WHO SEE WHERE WE CAME TO BE: NO, WE HAVEN'T BEEN HAVING SEX.
(Alternate timeline versions of this person have been
perhaps making the
occasional drunken boast to
select close friends in what
might be termed less than what would normally be considered, in a mature person... moments of weakness. Myself, I would consider it to be a pretty powerful moment. One filled with the strength of Lion. however, I don't know this person from a hole in the wall. what they've done and what they've been since last time I saw them in the flesh, pfftt, no goddam clue. no common friends, no common elements, no awareness of contact in my mind... and absolutely not any certitude as to whether or not I spoke to her on the internet through one of these fucking aliases of forum spoofing the different softwares like how the hell do I know that I wasn't talking to her multiple times and she was just fucking planning to fucking roast me like a Christmas pig? or a Christmas goose? Hell's bells maybe maybe she's the damn prosecution star witness! I have no fucking clue. I haven't talked to her, I haven't really thought about it much I've been busy, and then just today I heard that there is the Discovery available which I've been kind of wondering about since it's been you know 11 months since I got abducted on christmas, and then the lawyer who had called me who usually doesn't call but did call and then pretend to be somebody she wasn't, because as you know I'm being cyberstock relentlessly by who the fuck knows who, so the lawyers like hey I can send you I can email you the discovery and I'm like how many pages is it she's like 31 pages and I thought to myself... “that's a lot of G-d damn pages for a fourth degree assault misdemeanor. is it like one word per page and the rest of it is all blacked out? why the hell did they even need to do this anyway? she's just a self-absorbed narcissistic overly entitled snooty arrogant bossy commanding difficult... well for other people I guess, I mean I kind of thought it was a difficult situation when I was 15, but now I don't really see the situation is difficult anymore, especially since I see where the writing is on the wall. like 33 pages, that's significantly more than 22 pages you know?
and then I thought, wait do I really want this emailed to me? what about hacks? what if there's something confidential in there that I don't want somebody to get, what if there's is a back door method of sending some signal to some other person and they want her permission to email it to me so that I can then be consenting to the process of passing information on to somebody else so that they can know what's going on and then make use of that information before I can cuz I don't know what the fuck went on nor do I really fucking care, and then what does this have to do with the other one? oh, well I guess maybe you g*ys don't know: they (blanked) someone, not really sure where, but I guess there was some concern because, as you know, I kept on mentioning that somebody had raped and murdered my wife? okay well apparently not because she seems to be alive I guess but... well, it's awkward because I don't actually know what happened, and by this time since it's been so fucking long since anybody did the right fucking thing, the fact that the lawyers finally called me up and said hey I got 31 pages for you can I email it to you, I thought about it and I was like well I could drive down there and get it but it's like 20 miles, or I could drive this other place and it's farther to go but there's someone there I want to have sex with like actual, and then give me the choice between reading the pages and trying to have sex and then I just got kind of bored so I figured I'd just hang up the phone and play some video games and go shit on the pallet and yell at the phone and not really I don't really care.
I'm not even kidding. one or both of these people I guess included throwing used to be all I ever thought about all day oh my God oh my God why did she call me boohoo what's wrong with me okay well now I'm 49 years old I got $50 in the bank and I could give a fuck either way just fucking shoot me. I even if I ever meet anybody and I have a pleasant conversation there's no guarantee that two minutes later they're not going to get kidnapped by some fucking demon thing that's going to take out their brain and put in a fucking loser is going to call police and call dispatch and say he tried to kill me he did that when I didn't do that or post a bunch of messages on the web and say that I'm a fucking deal junkie when I'm fucking not you know I just kind of fucking burned out and I'm forced to face the fact that I have no idea who this person is and the last time I started on the flesh I tested her and she failed to do what I expected her to do... which was to not do the dumbest possible thing imaginable. and at this point, the nerve shifts cuz even I at this point don't really know what that was, I know exactly why I ran, is because of the oxygen that I was unable to process insufficient quantities, and also I realized that I was sitting in the middle of a soundstage, and the entire experience have been carefully crafted piece by piece in order to create the exact scenario that one might have imagined would have been the case when dealing with a g*y like me. this never imagined itself in my mind is being all that likely at the time, I thought it was kind of like a hallucination, but I'm looking back now and I'm realizing... “this person cannot function with out her entourage, and is likely a completely different person based solely on the number of other human souls are within a certain proximity of her being. Huh. I wonder what that's like, and whether or not that's anything to do with her apparent total rejection of the sacred miracle healing herb, Cannabis. Well, fuck it—I guess I'll never know.
because now that I've discovered certain key critical pieces of information that no one told me that existed, even though it seems like it could have been told to me, I've come to realize that I've got to just move on with my life. and if that means within a year she's a dope smoking busker down on our luck on whatever avenue she's got where the hell she is that dose workers go to and she reeks of the skunk skank, well that'll be a whole lot this other person on Twitter that I met who seems to be all into eating edibles and acts like it's a big deal. which is odd because it's weed, who thinks weed is a big deal?
I then remembered that I fully embraced weed culture as soon as I possibly could starting at the age of 19, and then I was so fucked off and alone that I couldn't get a good bag of anything easy to have by myself until I was in my twenties and then now I can go to the store and I know all about weed, and then I realize that there are some people in the world who have never had weed at all until like yesterday and they're still coping with the fact that they're dragging their security clearances around their neck like an albatross. at that point I realized that the tables have shifted. because I know how to deal with paranoia, I went to public school with a gang of gestures in chagr, and they ran on me from top to bottom and left to right, and now years later I'm nothing like that person at all I can take her out of the chin both hands and not even blink.
you know what? maybe she's in prison. you know what else? I literally don't care. I would care if you were dead, but that's mainly because I'm sure somebody will try to blame that on me, but once again if I were going to kill somebody just like ever going to fuck somebody I would do it proudly.
back to reality: every single a sentence I wrote above also applies to grapefruit. and by now I literally don't know which is which who's who where the buck started and where it ended, and now I'm probably plausibly deniably excluded from certain interviews, because it's not like I'm a hostile witness, it's just that like I have a certain amount of bias in the situation. because apparently at some point I don't know when somebody decided to start pretending to be me and may or may not have had conversations with people. this Mary may not be happening as we speak. and my deleted Google account? well maybe she has it.
that would be typical, it would be something that she could have had instantly if she just asked for it, but I guess after she asked for my first Spirit of baby batter and then I ended up denying that, oh no wait that's the other nobody no nobody ever asked me for my first Spirit of baby better, she asked for you know I actually don't know it's a fucking long ago and it's so fucking stupid the whole fucking thing I don't even begin to want to bother with it plus there's other people crawling out of the woodwork on Twitter and other places that seem to be pissed about things I've done in the past when they were snotty and then I was snotty back and then they forgot about that and then now they're still being snotty instead of being friendly and forgiving and I think to myself wow most people have not done the interior work and they're still carrying around Bridges and they're all worried about me and how am I going to behave and I can't even be bothered you have to pay me to masturbate for them!
meanwhile I'm living on a secret military base that was going to be art bells new broadcast location (don't ask me how I know) and instead of building it into the broadcast Palace of love that it could have been... well, let me put this way a lot of these pieces of information I came to be aware of through a process of intuitive deduction that came in a cascading residence when I realized that there's a fucking bathtub in the fucking backyard filled with moldy water and overgrown weeds.
A BATHTUB. Also: the neighbors across the driveway have a storage shed. you know what that means... when his wife puts him out there to get sodomized by a big black buck so she can watch, that's where my neighbor has that happened, in the story shed, it's on North side of my house or something directly facing the master bedroom window, which, and this is the best part, was recently sabotaged in a way that is probably going to end up making the house end up being condemned. because as you know, you know me I'm Jack star instead of worrying about any of these problems at all I've just decided to sit on the shitter and scream at the nightmare rectangle and not fucking even lift a finger of my sorcerer's powers nor even to bother prayer to God at all for wisdom to figure out what to do about it.
I was going to take some drugs and get blasted. now, I'm going to throw in some prank calls to random numbers too and talk mad shit about sirhan sirhan and John Wayne gacy, and some other people who are absolutely totally definitely not Jeffrey Dahmer because if there's one fucking thing I'm sick of hearing about is dumber because not so very long ago the plan was to make me out to sound like one of him, because as you know I do eat my own semen although that doesn't seem to be all that unusual to me like who else should eat it nobody else here like if I had a cat and I fed my scene into my cat that would be fucking weird, and then if I had a relationship with somebody where all they did was suck my cock another or anything else that would be weird too special about the whole serial murder thing and then how like Dom or did it for years before everybody caught him and then the way that there's always people who fucking hate me and want to throw me in jail for something, well you know it seems to me that it might be a joke taking too far and sometimes things manifest when we don't expect them to be manifested that way.
and surprise for standing: psycho shielding. Jessica... oh shit there happened again I didn't say Jessica and I didn't say Barbara above either but here we got these names of these chicks and I'm not saying you know she's either going to be relieved that I'm not a psycho or she's going to be enraged that she's not the center of attention which is going to be?
and more importantly, which one is great for going to get angry about and yell at me first, or is she just going to ignore me completely and you know leave me alone here to die naked alone after being ripped out of the incubator on the cold hospital floors. these are real questions people which have real answers, and unlike whatever the hell the Court's doing with their stupid shit and their 31 pages of Discovery that's you know something they have to call me for out of nowhere and suddenly they're in a big hurry and I'm like what do you want me to come down there and she's like yeah come down there yeah we can talk it over together like oh suddenly you want to talk things over oh where you been the last fucking 11 months how about my birthday do you want to fucking talk things about my birthday how about then?
always the same with these people. they dicked me off for years and then all the sudden it's Jack let's talk let's talk just like squishy suddenly squishies let's talk yellow light thanks Jack's ready to talk.
you know what Jack is ready to do? wipe. and then proofread, and then get up, or maybe I should just get up no I should definitely wipe maybe I should wipe my ass and then wash my hands and then go sit on the couch and then start proofreading this post before I push post, maybe I should do that.
instead, because I don't know who the fuck is calling me and I don't know where my phone is and not so very long ago I was understanding very little close to nothing about why the fuck my life had turned this huge shit show shy show all over sudden and nobody gave a shit about why anything was happening to me that didn't seem to be too very common.
but now, with The New Nukey Key: A Mikey Lie Key Critical Property — well, I blew yours, and I blew mine too I blew my own mind I can't believe it, for after all this it has FINALLY happened:
UNDERSTANDING HATH DAWNED.
I know what's going on. you do not. I could host an event, and people are hoping that I do, and I don't even know who they are. and, people who I have heard the name of, although don't really know who they are, have spoken out loud words that include the sentiment that is meant to convey the idea that they would want me to do that! still kind of blows my mind. people want me to do things and they're hoping that I do, and they're not yelling at me and beating me with metal sticks when I don't immediately comply! it's kind of strangely unusual.
and there's only like one person from high school I could even bother to begin to mention that too and have a concern or a flirt on my heart about whether or not they're interested. and I know nothing about that person or have seen anything from him since ever. but since I rather think about one particular person first whenever I do think of high school, I'd seen for the likely if that's when's the lead contender cuz I sure don't think about that other one I mean she's obviously not looking for me she thought she had it all worked out, she was going to, I don't know what she was going to do but she sure wasn't going to tell me hi it's me in a private message oh no that didn't happen.
and I don't know if she got the message she was supposed to get cuz I told some people to tell her something but she may not have been informed because maybe her total wall of shieldy defensive guardianship formed by dudes who don't pass messages so good and chicks with stones that could break my bones if they weren't busy using them for cojones, and sticks they aren't going to ask to buy them dinner before they start to use them to hit me with them, well... look, there was a chance when I could have been offered some therapy and I would have jumped at the chance. And now...
I don't think I even need any therapy. I don't think I even need any counseling. in fact, I'm not even so sure I need a lawyer... I mean what's going to happen misdemeanor assault charge 30 days. big deal 30 days I could probably use that to get away from the the crowds that are never really going to spread up when it turns out that I'm one of the few people on the planet that gets to do some of the things that I get to do and then I've been sitting here the whole time and it's possible that the only reason why I haven't been swarmed already is that they got people on the highways that block them off when they come together. or maybe there's some computer algorithm that keeps the world from knowing where I live, I actually don't know.
I do know that I've been sitting around alone for a really long time and people have been acting like that's totally okay. okay well it's really not totally okay, it's really totally kind of fucked. and what else is totally kind of fucked it's the way that I'm not. and I don't even know what kind of woman I'd want to have sex with, but I do know I'm not into men although they're okay, and if I can have any woman in the world it wouldn't be her.
and apparently she's all that in a bag of chips now apparently? I hear rumors people have been assuming things. but the reality is I don't know exactly what the truth is and then the other reality is is that I'm a time traveling interventional source for and if I can wiggle my nose and open the door and come out in the universe where and she's a whacked off heroin junkie sitting on a park bench and she's looking for help but would take it from anybody but me, or I could be in a universe where she's a highfalutin corporate lawyer where she's got the fate of the world in her hands every day cuz she's just so damn intensely serious and able to for a budget and you know I just don't even know what I would like if I would want anything and then since I didn't get a voice print I don't know what the fuck she sounds like either, other than she probably sounds like super duper serious meaning this is only, or a scaredy cat little frightened dog whistle. and the feelings of dudes that surrounded her like a orbiting coat of armor made out of floating Shields? I don't even know what the fuck is that all about.
and it's important somebody can tell me, you know whatever I can't be bothered now I got to play some video games and wait to be exonerated at some bullshit trial and then 31 pages is Discovery.
31 PAGES. and I'm innocent. now I know they all say that, but trust me I was. I walked in the door in order to have a nice pleasant conversation, and was instantly met with a whirling dervish of screaming thrown food and a pulled blade. and since then nobody's told me Jack or shit and I've had to figure out myself Well everybody's told me to shut up and stop talking. and then today I finally figure something out that changes everything.
so now... *hitches up overalls* you hayseeds are on my timetable for good. I believe I'm the only one around here with the kind of cognitive capacity required to manage these kind of variables to keep people from losing their collective lunch and screaming at people for generations to come about whatever kind of fucked-off mess they scrap themselves into, cuz I'm not mad at anybody I'm not holding any grudges but apparently not everybody can say the same and somebody didn't figure out and realize that the simplest thing to do would have been to just like explain certain things and then have a conversation and then we can move on with certain things but then other people wanted to use me as a goddamn scapegoat as well as to launder money through my trust and to play advantage on my ignorance of long story short there's been a lot of people up to a lot of shit and I don't even know if we can where to begin to fucking get with it.
but I know we're not to begin with, and that's with.. now fuck God damn it the Jack lawyer signals going off, sometimes I can talk a lot of shit but then other times I think about saying something explicit like I was just about to say the name of this girl that I think is kind of cute cuz I went to high school with her and I saw her once and she she was a cheerleader but I haven't seen her since and no idea if she even remembers me.
Scholars please take note—this is actually the first time I feel bad for all the people who have to read what I write, because I really did write all of this, and as yet more of you will come to find out sometime in the next 17 hours, It's going to be required reading in campuses across the nation in years to come.
I wrote it, and even I don't want to have to get into it again. I wonder if James Joyce ever felt this way, or if he just took another hit of smack after every paragraph. (I hear it's slimming.) Anyway, I'm not on drugs this time. Maybe later. It's no fun celebrating without you. (TaintCo. IN PLAY X-WING ON FIRE S-WING A-BOT Dick*.*ROLL↑→[].)
p.s.: The Elongated Muskrat is neutralized. SUMMARILY.
tl:Dr; GOOD NEWS EVERYONE HASH TAG
and even if she did and we got along well and we liked each other enough to even remove her clothes anywhere I'm haunted by their memory of somebody telling me that I needed to do something or else somebody would be murdered. now, at this point it doesn't really affect me, because I don't think they're going to murder anybody and even if they did fuck it there was a bunch of girls in high school at this point I can go down the list and bang them all!
ALPHABETICALLY!!
but you know what fuck it, you see a few things if your life and it changes you and when somebody you believe you love calls up the police and tells lies on the phone and armed thugs come and take you away from your home and you don't see that person again you don't even know if she's delivered or dead and everybody you tell us to act like it's fine that you're that confused and fucked off and alone and just leaves you the fucking die and your God damn house and fucking runs their fucking game on their own fucking life and just pretend you don't fucking matter, you find yourself alone on the May 5th day of your birthday and then you find posts on May 6th on Belk avenue you realize oh, I guess they were thinking of you, wow.
dugout I'm not going to lie, I'm not hurt at all, I'm just kind of surprised it like who the fuck is hurting all of you and how do they know that the worst possible thing that can happen to anybody is to spend less time with Jack Starr. like I am alone and have no friends this is the perfect time to take advantage of me, so if no one is what that means is that somebody thinks they have me on lockdown and they're just waiting for the time to take advantage of me because they think they've isolated me from everyone, like there's somebody out there who is pretending to be me and they're running around trying to get traction on people, like I would be if I were able to walk around and then here I'm at home alone in a house and circling the house is a magic Hunter that's trying to get inside the house Shields to see ostensibly if I'm doing any anti-government activities in here so we can call the police to get me out of there so we can do whatever he wants to me it doesn't know that I can't do anything to me Hunter magic Hunter and it's it's just doing his job.
it's checking to see if I'm a threat. I guess it's been dispatcher it's heard some things or something. reminder I went to jail 11 months ago and I've been abused and exploited and mocked and all kinds of shit ever since and now suddenly now I got a magic Hunter and I got no friends and my laptops locked, and there's 31 pages of discovery about God fucking which one is it about I didn't fucking know.
so, I'm just going to fucking hang out here and masturbate into my own feces while reading sorcerer And hedge. it's a great digest magazine, you probably haven't heard of it since you're not a source for anything, but it's got.. never mind tell you what I actually like the recipes. there's some good recipes in there.
not that I fucking know anything about it because I'm not allowed to cook, cuz I'm dangerous cuz everybody knows better than I do what I'm allowed to do and not fucking what I can handle, yeah cuz you're all so fucking smart you know all about what a great idea it is to ignore me on my birthday and then leave me alone and fucking run around doing whatever the fuck you're doing well there's a fucking magic around the house or I'm just imagining things and I didn't see an elongated muskrat, or get hit with a spell called boiling broth that cover the house and the haze of death it was supposed to take me out but didn't because I got shields, so now they tried to kill me and it didn't work so now they sent the magic hundreds around the house and they're finding the house around my shields, and I'm in here on the pot yelling at the nightmare rectangle, and nobody's calling me and close as I got to aid is swishy telling me that it's time to get on to his YouTube stream and talk to him cuz he think he might be time but then I don't have squishies number and I don't have squishies URL and so she keeps disappearing and this is all about a bunch of fucking shit about some woman who accused me of being a needle junkie.
and I'm not, cuz I don't actually like them very much in terms of IV drug use because it's kind of a pain in the ass and there's not really called for all that often. and I know this because I've been researching such matters for just such an occasion knowing what to do in the future when some girl walks up to me and says check can you teach me how to shoot drugs, and I'll be like yeah but you got to suck my dick I mean no yeah but you got to promise not to suck my dick or yeah anyway there's a lot of focus on this whole dick sucking needle thing right?
okay well, that seems like an unusual circumstance in life right? okay well how do I call if George noory and tell him all about it? because I think the only possible way I can make this any better for myself than it already is—and believe me, I didn't need revenge, but if I ever did, I'm making my little inner child bitch baby bad boy happy right here right now cuz I am actually more interested in talking to George Norway than I am talking to... fuck I still can't say your name. Damn. you must have something going on. she doesn't want to fuck me either, but she sure wishes she could call me and ask me to do things for her and count on me to do things like I would have been at any time up until about oh May 5th at 11:39 at night. not really exactly but you know anyway I'm not actually fucking know that worried about it.
but other people are. maybe they can go fuck themselves too. call it a social distance orgy. or call it where the fuck they want I mean they're they're the one charge of money for it so they can do what they think. oh and speaking to charge your money for things isn't it cool that I don't ask anybody to give me money exchange for reading this?
in fact I kind of thought I'd be cool if anybody ever read anything at all about me. okay well now I'm pretty sure there's some people that would be interested in me writing things these days about me, and you know I'm just going to... take a step back from that.
I'll have more exoneration after grapefruit is released from the morgue so she can resurrected at trial to testify in her own defense that she didn't kill herself she was murdered by Michael Clifford Kuczi, who then opened all kinds of fake accounts and tried to pretend to be other people to get other people to go along I can't keep this up like what the fuck. what the fuck are you fucking assholes been doing? I seriously I opened up my mind Palace and I check out the remote viewing thing and I try to see what the hell's been going on in certain people's areas and sometime today the whole thing like went completely and it's like looking at the fucking kill shot like it Dames was talking about like the whole world is this huge gobbling unknown area of potentially Tangled possibilities.
like I don't even know which one of these people I want to fuck first. the one who died at the end of a long life and got to heaven and realized oh that would have been so bad I should go I should apologize or the one who miserably failed to do something and then discovered that she made a horrible sake and then accidentally decided that it was a better idea to kill herself rather than call me? there's got to be that kind of possibility there cuz I thought about killing myself once that thing but then I was like no I got a better idea.
I'll kill my own cat instead! that'll teach her! wait, no that wasn't my idea. here's an idea how about if I accidentally kill myself with a drug overdose in front of a girl that I want to have sex with and then instead of having sex with her she watches me die. does that sound like fun? like not me neither, but then, let me tell you kind of like Dr Manhattan in that stupid dumb movie I didn't see it but the deal is he he becomes this huge exalted thing and then he sees life differently and then he becomes kind of like emotionless and not really human....
well that's what I'm like right now. I don't know what was in the 22 pages and I can't ask because as Ray won't tell me, and I neglected to take the opportunity I had to look at those pages before they got ruthlessly edited, and then when a certain person posted a recorded conversation that was supposedly had held on the phone the early in the morning before I went to drive a really long distance for no apparent reason to go look at a sailboat that there was no fucking way of hell I was going to fucking buy but I got yelled at and told to go and yelled at some more when I was asking questions about why so I just clamped up and drove and then I got there and I looked at it and I was like okay well cool and then we got the thing and drove back down and then on the way down I was like well why I do this why this why this and got to the point where I was hollering about it, like why why and no answer was forthcoming and that was before I found out that there was a audio recording of some guy talking to somebody else or whatever anyway I never downloaded it because I knew that if I clicked on it they would be a record on a server somewhere that would prove to an investigator that I had shown that much interest but instead I was held my desire and never ever clicked on it.
I made it about 3-4 weeks before I thought to myself fuck I got to know and then I went back and the file had been gone, and then subsequently I brought it a few times and said hey you still got that file and then the person so it's like oh no yeah I'll send it to you I'll send you never sent it to you
you know what else never got sent? discovery. that probably means that they didn't really want to give me discover it, they just wanted me to come down to the office where they could arrest me, because these people are fucking desperate, and if I can become a time traveling interventional sorcerer, surely some fucking moron code key press logger could... and the truth of the multimeteriality is that once a person decides on a course of action the opposite course of action also creates itself within the future of ultimate predestined possibilities.
for example I've decided that I don't want to bother with messing around with having sex with anybody until I'm exonerated at trial. now some might say I'd be missing a golden opportunity but fact the matter is is that I took the best opportunity I could because I did other things and had simulated sex and then did it with people who I wasn't going to make into a permanent lover at all and I'm not likely to do that although if I do it might be because they passed the tests but I made the entire experience of sexual conquest and dynamism into a difficult to discern puzzle that would be inevitably extraordinarily difficult for someone in grafer's position to figure out the truth of, thus requiring her to actually talk to me instead of listening to people on her iPhone or people listening or listening to people that are doctor's office or listening to people on the phone or flying to another state and asking them questions about my life with her she'd have to actually ask me to figure out what's going on instead of fucking run around talking to God damn homeless on the street and fucking listening to their opinion about our mind.
and she has to ask her kid too. apparently they miss me
well one of them does, and the other one figures that the best way to get close enough to me to land a mortal strike with a hidden blade is to pretend to be hiding his real emotions behind a veil of politeness as he describes how great it is that he found his own place. he was referring to this house by the way, he's planning on killing me and taking it over, he doesn't mind he's a he's he's a he's he's a legit half-blooded killer. and if I mess with his mother he'll definitely kill me, and like it's it's actually nice I kind of like it I mean it's it's a way of being slowly introduced into the family it's kind of comforting because I would want somebody to fucking you know be concerned about my safety too if I was part of family, and I guess I kind of am part of a family because I am living in a house on a hill that's surrounded by military guys and I got some crazy guy from fucking Rhodesia who wears swishy golf pants who gets on fucking YouTube and says that he thinks I'm maybe ready to talk when I could be fucking talking all the time and then did I mention my you know God never mind.
I honestly don't know what I would do with having sex in the first place. I mean do I need a disease, do I need to have progeny do I need to remove the possible will they won't they dynamism for my experience? well not anymore I did for a while but apparently no one else cared so I kind of moved on and now that it's too late I'm wondering how many people are just wondering what the fuck they're going to do with my dick.
because I'm definitely going to do something. and my number one choice is definitely not the person who used to have been comment because I don't think I need to complicate that person's life any although if she would like me to complicate my life with hers using my penis you know she could ask, unless she's dead, but yeah she is you know I'd be cool with her having that you know telekinetic power like that ghosted in the entity she could pick me up and throw me across the room and bang my head against the wall and take a compressions out on me, I mean it's no problem I mean I'm immortal too once you realize you can die and come back and there's magic in the world it changes your relations with other people.
especially with someone who thought they were being clever. hey Pandora. how you doing? because I figured it all out and I know exactly who you fucking are. *snap* see? I fucking know.
hey you missing a button? one marked panic? yeah I put a k on it and took it. no more panic button for you. you are toteslocked in. and I may or may not come to get you and do something about that, but I must say that for a person who was as smart as you were, you kind of failed to appreciate the significance of the fact that I might be just a little bit not in the fucking mood to deal with the goddamn anonymous person fucking being pissy with me about some kind of fucking thing especially when that person is telling me to go to bed, and you know why that person was wanting me to go to bed?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE A KEY TO MY HOUSE, AND THEY WANT TO COME IN HERE AND DO THINGS WITH MY STUFF WHILE I'M SLEEPING. I swear to god, this is my life. oh but grapefruit this and grapefruit that and oh my God and how dare you talk don't say my name out loud get your mother's name out of my mouth mean while I'm putting up with being cyber stocks harassed and I'll deal with it it's okay I mean if it's just one I know who it is and if there's two I guess we're going to fucking do The Good the Bad and the ugly every night here, why not fucking I mean I have nothing else to do it's been a goddamn year I've been sitting here alone and you know everyone else has been having fun making fun of me and now that things are begun to come to light you know that's fine you know you got your own problems I'll deal with the one guy who thinks he's all that and and the one person on the fucking internet is telling me to fucking go to sleep like they're the fucking boss of me or some shit.
what the fuck is wrong with you people you don't have fucking authority over me I outrank you do you know what that means, means I talk back to you, it means if you punch me I fucking punch back, and it means if you punch me and I call the police they fucking take you away. like why wouldn't it mean that? oh right right cuz not only are you a bully and not only you're part of a culture that uses violence a lot but you got these magical powers of mental domination that you've been using on people off and on when you thought you'd get away with it and you're surprised to discover you got a guy here that it doesn't fucking work on!
basically what it means is somebody's told you to go pick on somebody your own size and you finally have ran into them and they're sleeping in your bed and eating your food and wearing your clothes, and then all of a sudden you're outside wander around the house as if you're completely unable to go anywhere else.
welcome to the next level, Puny Magic Hunter. welcome to the version of this story where I don't call the police, where you come in and I don't throw lasagna at you and I don't pull a knife, and if you pull a knife that's great cuz I got a fetish for disarming people now.
and now instead of telling the police any of this or hiring a private detective or hiring security or worrying about it all I'm just going to sit here on the shitter and keep on fucking doing whatever the fuck I feel like fucking doing. which won't be obsessing over any of my ex-girlfriends I'll have you know.
oh no, fuck I'd love to have her by my side and we could you know fight crime together or whatever but I'm sure she's busy and if this fucking magic kind of thing has been the thing that's been fucking giving them grief well I can see why she's so fucking scared that cuz you know I don't know why a person would have magic or money or whatever kind of fucking deal she had she sure is shit fucking wasn't scared wasn't sharing it with me was she? oh no, that was Jack Starr fucking don't fucking invite him to the party fuck that.
okay well fine I'm busy now anyway I got to think about which hand I'm going to wipe with first whether I should clench or something see I'm not obsessed with my ex-girlfriend at all! I'm over it.
Toted. p.s.: Dear Grapefruit, no, I'm not mad, but I think you should know that I didn't quite understand why you were trying to offer me a different woman as a bribe. Thanks, though—haven't seen her since. Have
so much to tell people! Haven't asked for the body camera footage! I heard it was deleted!
teeth.p.s.: I haven't been to a dentist yet; I didn't want to ruin your birthday. however, as soon as I figure out where I'm going to live, and what name they're going to put me in under as when I join witness protection or whatever the fuck, I'll be happy to go to dentist right away cuz it's actually getting kind of tedious I mean they're not so bad but yeah they should be looked at yeah they seem okay but they also you know they're a funny color. I understand that the concern of yours because of lots of reasons that I don't mean to make light of your desire to see me in better health but it might possibly be a better way to motivate a man to, I don't know, be nice to him and go to couples canceling with him rather than to scream and carry on and have sex with other men instead. just saying, I'm not really sure where your motives lie. Also, your sisters told me that you talk about a lot of “crazy conspiracy shit” and looked at the ground and shook her head, which I took the mean as a sign that she didn't want to talk about you, which I thought was a fair thing to be indicating, cuz I didn't want to talk about you either, cuz really all I had to say was, at that time, “oh I guess you figured out that I wasn't fucking crazy huh, what was that like? and was there pasta there? hey where were you on my birthday?” I felt like these questions would be inappropriately in excess of the amount of fun she would experience in hearing them as I would experience in the asking of them and I knew that you wouldn't tell me the truth anyway because she told me that talking “crazy conspiracy shit” seem to be something that's a negative, when as I recall I was abducted from my home on Christmas Eve by 13 armed thugs, and then the next day while I'm in jail on Christmas day, my YouTube account was removed from YouTube without warning it just went poof, so that would be an example of a conspiracy given that it's obviously people working together to make me disappear and not for any good reason either.
as you can imagine I'm so amused beyond words to be proven so thunderously correct and everything I was saying that I'm absolutely not at all mad or sad or cold in the garage you're looking for vengeance or even anything more than just a assurance that nobody's going to like you know make up a story and then find a reason to fucking put me in custody because they think that's a good idea, yeah so that means this is in contact cuz it's indirect but basically I don't trust these people very well, because they don't really know what they're doing, and now they are totally in all way over their heads... so let's just see how that works out as I prepare to be exonerated at trial.
which I'll start by going to check my email when I feel like it. let's let's see let's see if it's coming in hang on. oh for fuck sake you're going to love this
#1) I look there's nothing there.
#2) I check the spam folder, I see it's there, and it says that message too large, so it didn't deliver, and it doesn't say exactly where it came from cuz it came through from Iceland. I click the not spam button, and it disappears and I'm looking at my spam folder, which has, oh boy, messages from casualhookup.com about women who want to say hi to me, yeah sure they do I imagine they'd love to say hi to me and they use casualhookup.com why wouldn't they I mean that's the number one site for women who looking for guys to talk to casually they just go there. Right? isn't that what you use? or is it casual hookup with smack to forget the mess you've made of your life.com? that one seems a bit more challenging but I don't think it's necessary for you you're actually in a lot better shape than you might think that's why I'm perfectly willing to make these kind of terrible choices and jokes that I'm making... I mean fuck it right what's what's going to happen next I got a magic Hunter fucking circling the house with the magic Shield that you said didn't exist and that I was fucking crazy well let's just see how fucking crazy our next item is.
#3) I go to the inbox and I see the message in the that wasn't the spam folder that was truncated and too big I see that one there and then I see another email right next to it that's different. that was not too large that one was sent to the right address and then...
what email address did I give the lawyer? how is it that she could not know my address? is she aware that I am being cyberstalked? is she just completely indifferent to the concerns of a man in my position because she's a totes Les or is it because she's pissed at me cuz I embarrass her in public and she wants me to die or she thinks I'm really cool and she wants me to show off so she can smile and cheer me on and be my confidant?
I don't know I'll be honest I asked you if I could have dinner with her tonight and she didn't seem to think that was a good idea, which made sense given the circumstances but she also didn't seem to be completely filled with hatred and loathing. now, ask you, is this anything to get jealous over? and by the way when I find the lead investigator of this case as well as that head dude who is here that night on Christmas Eve is there anything you like me to say to them like would you like me to express thanks to them for protecting you from me and my terrible wicked ways of preparing to ask questions and find what's going on or should I just have them inform me of their favorite pasta sauce and then come back later when they're meal is ready?
#4) I think I'm going to need a bagel with my coffee.
#5) right now I'm just talking about one case that involves a simple misdemeanor in which I'm accused of assault in the fourth degree but not DV, which means that somebody who is living there with her who would have been charged with the salt 40 V so I'm thinking that somebody else has been involved this entire time and everybody's silence has been part and parcel with misleading people into believing things were one way when they really weren't.
#6) I might have been the last person to get swooped up, because rather than go home directly the day before I drove around and made a big ass myself and then took the ferry over and then parked in front of my mother's house and then fell asleep there and then woke up and had to get a jump start the car and then ended up coming home really really late hours later which would have made a really difficult for anybody trying to casually subtly undetectably set up another sting ambush with fake evidence they would have had to run out of time then because turns out people have actually tried to set up people for things before that haven't done and they have discovered that that's something that was unpleasant to have happened and so safeguards are put in place by the system but of course the system can often fail and then in that case nobody can really anticipate what time is going to come home when I was behaving so abnormally anyway so that would probably explain a lot about why the person on the front porch was so visibly agitated when I finally got there and then walked into the house instead of talking to me. now I wonder what's great for that was because I don't know how many emails other people got but I got two and then....
Have I made this obvious enough for everybody? I HAVE SPOOKED THE HERD, I HAVE FLUSHED THE PREY,, I HAVE REVEALED A HIGH VALUE TARGET.
AND I DID IT MOSTLY WHILE SITTING ON THE CRAPPER AND SCREAMING AT MY PHONE. EAT YOUR HEART OUT, LBJ.
I'm almost out of weed. I quit drinking beer, mostly because I don't feel like buying anymore, also I wanted to make sure that everybody thought I was a hopeless miserable alcoholic who couldn't control himself, would have to face that fact: FUCK YOU BUDDY, INSTEAD OF GETTING FREE COUNSELING WHERE SOMEBODY TELLS ME ABOUT MY HEALING JOURNEY, I JUST GOT FUCKED OFF AND INSULTED AND LED DOWN A BREADCRUMB PATH THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAVE ME TO THE SLAMMER AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE FUCKING LAUGH AT ME AND WENT ALONG WITH IT.
So, that's one way to make me forget about high school. I mean I guess I'm curious about it kind of but I'm not going to sweat the issue, seems like everybody's got bigger fish to fry. more exciting to me is the idea that I might get a chance to test<
